Back-To-School Essentials
Some might see this as bad taste, but I thought it would be important.
Modern Day Vows
A School Supply List Teeming With Existential Dread
- 1 pack of What’s the point of doing my best when I’ll always be number 2 pencils
- 3 washable school Sure, I’m sticky now, but I’ll eventually be left out to dry glue sticks
- 10-pack of non-toxic Being overused until I run out of ink is very toxic for me, not that anyone cares about that markers
- 1 pair of You know, sometimes I just wanna run around with someone, but no one ever lets me safety scissors
- 5 pencil-cap I can’t erase is the memory of being chewed on and shoved up a nose erasers
- 1 box of Why am I always ignored? Kids are always using their sleeves or palms instead of meeeeeee tissues
- 2 ballpoint I am afraid to make mistakes because everything I do is permanent pens
- 1 twelve-inch Why do I seek validation from others when I know I’ll never be able to measure up to them ruler
- 1 pack of assorted I emphasize other people’s words, but do my own thoughts and words even matter highlighters
- 2 three-ring My greatest joy in life is “accidentally” clamping down on someone’s finger—what’s wrong with me binders
- 1 digital The one equation I will never solve is love calculator
- 1 wide-ruled My pages yearn for insights and discoveries, but instead are filled with crude doodles composition notebook
- 4 two-pocket paper I’m about to bust at the seems from all of this work ughhhh folders
- 1 package of wide-ruled All it takes is one gust of wind and I’m done for loose-leaf paper
DMV
After enduring three and a half agonizing hours of endless lines, rude clerks, and infuriating bureaucratic red tape at the Department of Motor Vehicles, an exhausted woman stopped at a toy store on her way home to buy a gift for her son.
She marched up to the checkout counter and slammed her purchase onto the counter: a solid wooden baseball bat.
“Will that be cash or card today?” the cashier asked cheerfully.
“Cash!” the woman snapped.
Catching herself, she took a deep breath and quickly apologized: “I am so sorry for snapping at you. I just spent the entire afternoon trapped at the DMV, and I’m practically out of my mind with rage.”
The cashier gave her a knowing nod, smiled sweetly, and asked:
“Would you like me to gift-wrap the bat, ma’am… or are you heading back over there?”
Creative Insults
• “I envy the people that don’t know you”
• “Your two cents is why they’re getting rid of pennies”
• “Does your asshole ever get jealous of the shit that comes out Of your mouth?”
• “I love that you don’t let facts get in the way of your opinions”
• “The best part Of you dripped down your mother’s leg”
• “I know you tried your best, that’s what makes it so disappointing”
• “Besides the obvious what would you change about yourself”
• “You’re the type Of person that would climb a glass wall just to see what’s on the other side”
• “I’ll never forget the day we met. I’ll keep on trying though”
• “You have a unique way Of speaking that makes people truly appreciate your silence.”
• “Shake your head and let me know if you hear rocks”
• “Careful, or I’ll fuck your daddy and give him a son he can ACTUALLY be proud of”
• “Your probably the first person I’ve met to reach their full potential”
• “Any time I think I’m failing in life, i remember you exist”
• “As sharp as a marble”
• “All quiet on the frontal lobe”
• “I’m not arguing with someone who should’ve been swallowed”
• “You couldn’t find your wav out Of a wet paper bag, with scissors in both hands.”
• “I’m sure you brighten every room you leave”
• “It must be so peaceful inside your mind”
It Was The Easiest Way To Do It
A woman comes to a funeral to arrange her husband’s burial. She wants him in a dark blue suit.
The director points out that he is already wearing a perfectly good black one. She insists and hands him a blank check.
At the funeral, her husband is in a beautiful blue suit. She loves it and asks what cost.
“Nothing, actually. Right after you left, another man came in wearing a blue suit. Same size as your husband. I asked the other widow if she’d mind burying him in a black instead.”
She said was fine.
“So, I switched the heads.”
Fun Things To Do In An Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
4. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!”
19. Give religious psalms to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
25. Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “oops!”
What Does A Fortune-Telling Scale Tell?
A nun was sitting in the airport departure lounge waiting for her flight to Chicago. Glancing across the terminal, she spotted an old-fashioned fortune-telling scale in the corner and decided to try it out for fun.
She stepped onto the scale, dropped in a nickel, and out popped a printed card:
“You are a Catholic nun. You weigh 128 lbs, and you are flying to Chicago, Illinois.”
Astounded by the accuracy, she told herself it had to be a lucky coincidence. Determined to test it, she dropped in another coin. The second card read:
“You are a Catholic nun. You weigh 128 lbs, you are flying to Chicago, and you are about to play the fiddle.”
“Nonsense,” she thought. “I’ve never touched a musical instrument in my life!”
She sat back in her seat. Moments later, a traveling bluegrass musician sat beside her, set his instrument case on the floor, and popped the latches. Overcome by a sudden, inexplicable urge, the nun picked up the violin, drew the bow across the strings, and effortlessly played a lively, flawless tune.
Thoroughly spooked, she marched back to the scale, dropped another nickel into the slot, and pulled out a third card:
“You are a Catholic nun. You weigh 128 lbs, you are flying to Chicago, and you are about to pass gas.”
“Outrageous!” she scoffed. “I have never done such a vulgar thing in public!”
As she spun around in indignation, her shoe caught the edge of the platform. She tripped, stumbled backward, landed flat on her backside, and let out a loud, echoing rip.
Blushing furiously and unable to believe what was happening, she scrambled to her feet, dropped one last nickel into the slot, and grabbed the final card:
“You are a Catholic nun. You weigh 128 lbs. And while you were fiddling and farting around, you missed your flight to Chicago!”
Kids Word Of Wisdom
“Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.”
– Rocky, age 9
“Don’t flush the john when your dad’s in the shower.”
– Lamar, age 10
“Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes.”
– Carol, age 9
“Never bug a pregnant mom.”
– Nicholas, age 11
“Don’t ever be too full for dessert.”
– Kelly, age 10
“When your dad is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ don’t answer him.”
– Heather, age 16
“Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.”
– Michael, age 14
“Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.”
– Joel, age 12
“When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone.”
– Alyesha, age 13
“Never try to baptize a cat.”
– Laura, age 13
“Never spit when on a roller coaster.”
– Scott, age 11
“Never do pranks at a police station.”
– Sam, age 10
“Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it’s moving.”
– Rob, age 10
“Never tell your little brother that you’re not going to do what your mom told you to do.”
– Hank, age 12
“Stay away from prunes.”
– Randy, age 9
“Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.”
– Phillip, age 13
“Forget the cake, go for the icing.”
– Cynthia, age 8
“When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.”
– Matthew, age 12
You Do What?
A Winchester woman flying down the highway zipped across a bridge, only to spot a traffic cop lying in wait on the other side with a radar gun.
Flipping on his sirens, the officer pulled her over, sauntered up to her window with a smug, patronizing grin, and asked, “In a bit of a rush today, aren’t we?”
“I’m late for work,” she replied flatly.
“Oh, really?” the cop smirked. “And what line of work would that be?”
“I’m a rectum stretcher,” she said without missing a beat.
The officer blinked, taken aback. “A… a what?”
“A rectum stretcher.”
“And just what does a rectum stretcher do, exactly?” he asked, amused.
“Well,” she explained coolly, “it starts with one finger, then two, then three, then four. Once my whole hand fits, I gently work side to side until I can get both hands in. From there, I pull and stretch slowly and steadily until it’s about six feet wide.”
The cop frowned. “And what on earth do you do with a six-foot asshole?”
“Simple,” she smiled. “You hand him a radar gun and stick him behind a bridge.”
The Wisdom Of Will Rogers
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman…neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
11. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
You Just Have To Spell A Word
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to “Hello – How are you! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.”
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”
“You have to spell a word,” Saint Peter told her.
“Which word?” the woman asked. “Love.”
The woman correctly spelled ‘Love’, and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
I’m surprised to you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”
“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I wone the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?”
“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.
“Which word?” her husband asked.
“Czechoslovakia …”
Please Don’t Tell Me They Go Skinny Dipping Anymore
I Think My Kids Are Trying To Fool Me
This Is Why Sprint Masters Need To Say No!
And Other Helpful Hints That Those Other G Rated Books Don’t Cover
Lets See How He Likes It!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
The perfect bracelet doesn’t exi…
It’s Funny Now
How Many Of Those Have You Had?
When You Just Need A Few Drinks To Get Thru It
