Rodney Dangerfield Has President Reagan Laughing Up a Storm (1981)
Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation
As Hostage Taker:
• Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
• Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.
• Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn’t return, send the others to see what’s taking him so long.
• Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.
• Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.
• Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.
• Tell the negotiator that you’d rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.
• Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.
• Forget your gun at home.
• Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a “meanie”.
• Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancé that this is all a joke and would she marry you.
• Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.
• When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, “It’s all you you you! What about my needs?!”
• When you call the hostage taker, tell him you’d like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.
• Show up stoned and do anything at all.
• When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone “La la la la! I can’t hear you!”
• Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.
• Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.
• Tell the hostage taker you think it’d be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.
• Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to Hindu if he wants you to deal with him.
• When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, “You’re never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that.”
A Kiss On The Cheek
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.” “My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
Some Woody Allen Quotes
“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like…making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.”
“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”
“The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty”
“S ex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it’s fantastic.”
“I’ve often said: the only thing standing between me and greatness… is me.”
“I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.”
“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”
“Life is like a concentration camp… you can’t leave without dying.”
“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”
“I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.”
“Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.”
“Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to s ex.”
“Basically, my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.”
“It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”
A Big Smile
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces
After the autopsy, the coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
The Coroner tells the Inspector: ‘First body: An Italian, 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.’
‘Second body: An Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.’
The Inspector asked, ‘What of the third body?’
‘Ah,’ says the coroner, ‘This is the most unusual one. Billy Bob, from Alabama, 49, struck by lightning.’
‘Why is he smiling then?’ inquires the Inspector.
‘He thought he was having his picture taken’.
Murphy’s Laws of Computing
• When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
• When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
• The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
• When the going gets tough, upgrade.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
• He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
• A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
• The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
• A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
The Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients
1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.
Involvement with the patient’s suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. Be cheerful at all times.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. Never die while in your doctor’s presence or under his direct care.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
1. “It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.”
2. “When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.”
3. “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”
4. “I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!”
5. “No Radio – Already Stolen”
6. “Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it’s students!”
7. “I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.”
8. “Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.”
9. BAD COP! – NO DONUT!!!
10. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
How To Be Politically Correct With Women
• She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE – She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
• She is not a BAD COOK – She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
• She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY – She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
• She is not CONCEITED – She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
• She does not want to be MARRIED – She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
• She does not GAIN WEIGHT – She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
• She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
• She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
• She is not TOO SKINNY – She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
• She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE – She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
• She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS – She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
• She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
• She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME – She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
• She does not GO SHOPPING – She is MALL FLUENT.
• She is not an AIR HEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
• She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
• She does not get FAT or CHUBBY – She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
• She is not COLD or FRIGID – She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
• She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP – She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
• She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
Very Interesting Stuff
In the 1400′s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have ‘the rule of thumb.
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled ‘Gentlemen Only….Ladies Forbidden’…and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades – King David
Hearts – Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds – Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter ‘A’?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?
A. Honey and no one knows why
In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase………. ‘goodnight, sleep tight.’
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them ‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. ‘It’s where we get the phrase ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. ‘Wet your whistle’ is the phrase inspired by this practice.
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
Now….Don’t delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveieethat I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe.
Foreign Menu Items Translated Into English…Sort Of
• Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce – China
• Indonesian Nazi Goreng – Hong Kong
• Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos – Cairo
• French fried ships – Cairo
• Garlic Coffee – Europe
• Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) – Europe
• Boiled Frogfish – Europe
• Sweat from the trolley – Europe
• Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream – China
• Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Potatoes, Chocolate Mouse – Hong Kong
• Roasted duck let loose – Poland
• Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion – Poland
• Fried friendship – Nepal
• Strawberry crap – Japan
• Pork with fresh garbage – Vietnam
• Toes with butter and jam – Bali
• French Creeps – Los Angeles
• Fried fishermen – Japan
• Teppan Yaki – Before Your Cooked Right Eyes – Japan
• Pepelea’s Meat Balls – Romania