Mother Earth Has Parenting Problems, Too
Great White North: Mouse In A Bottle
Tee Shirt Lines
“Filthy Stinking Rich… Well, Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad”
“I Used Up All My Sick Days… So I Called In Dead”
“Husband and Cat Lost… Reward for Cat”
“Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton”
“Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt”
“Learn from Your Parents’ Mistakes… Use Birth Control”
“If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees”
“If You Can Read This…Kiss A Teacher”
“Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up”
“If You Remember the ’60s, You Weren’t Really There”
“Rehab Is for Quitters”
(Across a drawing of a skeleton) “Waiting for the Perfect Man”
“My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse… …. He Couldn’t do Better and I Couldn’t Do Worse”
“The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley”
A Foursome Of Senior Golfers
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.
“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said…
“Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we’re still on the right side of the grass!”
As Time Goes By – A Brief History Lesson…
3050 B.C. – A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.
525 B.C. – The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don’t try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women’s shot put.
214 B.C. – Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn’t keep the neighbor’s dog out.
1 B.C. – Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.
432 – St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.
1297- The world’s first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or General Electric.
1456 – An English judge reviews Joan of Arc’s case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.
1607 – The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as “John Smith”.
1755 – Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.
1770 – The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Saturday night.
1805 – Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.
1807 – Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.
1865 – Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee’s surrender.
1912 – People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.
1934 – As if the Great Depression weren’t giving business enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.
I Have Everything I Need
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.” Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he’s up to 80 mph.
She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”
The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need.” She asks, “Really? What’s that?” The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag”.
Letters To The Landlord
“The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.”
“Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. .. .”
“The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?”
“Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away.”
“I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.”
“This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.”
“The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.”
“I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.”
“Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.”
“Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.”
“Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.”
“Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.”
A Professor was traveling by boat. On his way he asked the sailor:
“Do you know Biology, Ecology, Zoology, Geography, physiology?
The sailor said no to all his questions.
Professor: What the hell do you know on earth. You will die of illiteracy.
After a while the boat started sinking. The Sailor asked the Professor, do you know swiminology & escapology from sharkology?
The professor said no.
Sailor: “Well, sharkology & crocodilogy will eat your assology, headology & you will dieology because of your mouthology.
1. A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
2. 10 second fuses only last 7 seconds.
3. Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing.
4. Claymores are labeled “This side toward enemy” for a reason.
5. Don’t draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
6. Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t ever, ever volunteer to do anything.
7. Don’t look conspicuous: it draws fire.
8. If it’s stupid but works, it really isn’t stupid.
9. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
10. If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is “not” our friend.
11. If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
12. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
13. Incoming fire has the right of way.
14. It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
15. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can’t get out.
16. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
17. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
18. Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.
19. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
20. The easy way is always mined.
21. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
a. When you’re ready for them.
b. When you’re not ready for them.
Either time is inconvenient and generally a bummer.
22. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
23. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
24. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
25. When in doubt empty the magazine.
Take A Cab Home
I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.
Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That’s when I did something that I’ve never done before – I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don’t know where I got it and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it.
Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?
1st baby: At the first sign of distress – a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.
3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!
A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn’t.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: “Don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go.”
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering……….
“You’re a veterinarian, you sick bastard.”