Kristen Stewart and Jesse Eisenberg’s Awkward Interview
Vacation is that time of year when you get away from the trials and tribulations of the office and enjoy some trials and tribulations with your own family.
Vacation is a time to get away and forget about everything. I know my kids always forget to go to the bathroom before we leave.
I find after most of my vacations that the boss is glad to have me back, almost as glad as the family is to send me back.
Vacation is two weeks where you get away from it all. Then you come back to find that “it all” just waiting patiently on your desk.
It’s amazing how you can come back from a two week vacation and find six weeks worth of work on your desk.
It can take some of the fun out of your vacation when you discover that neither last year’s budget nor last year’s bathing suit fits.
Wouldn’t it be nice if they paid you during your 50 weeks of work the way they charge your during your two weeks vacation?
It’s amazing after 50 weeks of work to realize how little we can afford our two weeks vacation.
Workers need a vacation to refresh their minds, renew their spirits, and remind them that they need a second job to pay for next year’s vacation.
Experts recommend that people do something totally different on their vacations. For a lot of us, that would be work.
When you do nothing for two weeks and get paid for it, that’s the perfect vacation. When you do nothing for 50 weeks and get paid for it, that’s the perfect job.
The question is do we need two weeks of vacation to recover from 50 weeks of work, or 50 weeks of work to recover from a two-week vacation?
The best vacation is one where you want to get back to work because you’re in no condition to continue relaxing.
Some workers claim their real vacation is when the boss takes his.
You needn’t worry about taking a vacation, but you should get a little concerned when you come back and discover that no one noticed you were gone.
If it weren’t for summer vacations think how many mosquitoes would starve to death.
Vacations consist of
|2||vacations consist of 2 weeks|
after which you are
Early Internet Birds And The Bees
A little child asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”
Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:
“You’ve Got Male!”
Nihilist Job Resume
David, Candice, whatever
This Abject World
I have no objective. What’s the point when cold death is the final destination for us all? Can you explain that to me? I know I’m supposed to put something here, though, so here goes: Your objective is to hire me into a challenging position in a computer-applications-based field within which you feel I can “make a difference” and “contribute” in a team environment.
Bachelor of “Science” in Computer Applications, University of Washington
B.S., all right. It tickles me greatly that vapid, hornswoggled employers place so much emphasis on scholastic aptitude and higher education, as if knowing the Pythagorean theorem could shield me from the stygian pointlessness of mortality or the lurid abyss of imminent nonexistence. Of course, I use the word “tickles” figuratively, since I feel absolutely nothing.
Skills are valueless and only serve temporarily to bolster the trembling egos of the sheeple of this wretched world. I eschew all so-called personal development, instead dying under the premise that, when I’m a biodegrading mess of worm feed hopelessly buried beneath a fathom of dark earth, being able to type 70 words a minute really won’t do me a modicum of what you so ignorantly refer to as “good.”
Microsoft Excel, PowerPoint, Access; UNIX; Lotus 1, 2, 3.
Lead Sales Representative, Howard Brothers Trucking Co. (June 2003 to present)
As the leading sales representative at Howard Brothers, I implemented a new invoicing database lauded by my maudlin, foolhardy management team as “wonderfully efficient and surprisingly self-explanatory.” Why any of this mattered, I don’t know or care.
As far as being a “leader” goes, I wasn’t leading anyone or anything. Death is the great leveler, leading us all. Or not. Again, who cares, really?
Sales Clerk, Hot Topic (January 2001 to June 2003)
Employee of the month 29 consecutive times.
It pains me (again, being loose with the language here) to think that one could be so ridiculous as to maintain any sort of attachment to this-worldly tangibles, concepts, or other such contemptible ephemera. I’ll admit I play tennis, although I don’t keep score and insist that when my deluded partner does he use the terms “zero” or “nothingness” instead of “love,” a superfluous notion.
I also read a bit of Baudelaire, for what it’s worth, which is nothing.
Mankind, in its self-congratulatory revelry, will finally come to realize that all forms of kudos simply blind us from the solitary incontrovertible truth: life is a hollow shell of nil.
Once, during my younger days, in an ultimately nugatory proclamation (is there any other kind?) of my desensitized attitude toward accolades and gifts, I coined the phrase “He who dies with the most toys … still dies.” A bumper-sticker company then offered me a large sum of money for the rights to this phrase. I told them to keep it and give it to someone or something that mattered, which I guess was my way of making a joke (back before I realized how asinine and fruitless such a thing was).
This section seems a bit silly. But not like ha-ha silly. I mean ineffectual, obviously.
Signs Ya Might Be A Damn Yankee
• You think barbecue is a verb meaning “To Cook Outside”
• You think Heinz ketchup is spicy
• You can pronounce “Worcestershire Sauce” correctly
• For breakfast, you would prefer home fries to grits
• You don’t know what a moon pie is
• You’ve never had grain alcohol
• You’ve never, ever eaten okra
• You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork
• You’ve never seen a live chicken
• The only cows you’ve seen are from the road in a car
• You have no idea what a polecat is
• Off-color jokes about farm animals, go over your head
• You don’t see anything wrong with a sweater on a poodle
• You don’t have bangs or sideburns
• You’d rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags
• More than two generations of family have been kicked out of prep school
• You’d rather have your son be a lawyer than his own TV fishing show
• Instead of referring to two or more people as “y’all”, you say “You guys”
• You don’t think Howard Stern has an accent
• You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun and knife show
• You think university football coaches are overpaid
• You don’t have at least one can of WD-40
• You don’t have a single roll of electrical tape in the house
• The last time you smiled was when cut someone off in traffic
• You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores
• The furthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at Sear’s
• You call binoculars “Opera glasses”
• You can’t manage to spit out of the car window w/o pulling over
• You would never wear an applique sweatshirt
• You don’t know what an applique is
• You don’t know anyone with two first names (Billy Ray, Bonnie Sue)
• You don’t have doilies, and you don’t have any idea how to make one
• You’ve never been to a craft show
• You freak out on the subway if someone speaks to you
• You can’t do your laundry without quarters
• None of your fur coats are homemade
• You can’t imagine an indoor monster truck and tractor show
• You would never consider drinking a Budweiser beer
• The mere thought of biscuits and sausage gravy clogs your arteries
• The word “greens” brings about images of golf courses
• You think “Dry County” means it doesn’t rain too often there
• You don’t own a pair of overalls
• Your jewelry does not turn your skin green or black
• You wouldn’t be caught dead with a pouch of Red Man
• You have no clue what palmettos, fire ants or skinks are
• You don’t know anyone named Bubba, Slim, Billie Jean or Mavis
A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, ‘What were you and Dad doing?’
The mother replies, ‘Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.’
‘You are wasting your time,’ said the boy.
‘Why is that?’ the mom asked puzzled.
‘Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again. ‘
Airplane Radio Traffic
I’m not trying to scare anyone here, but while you’re sitting calmly in your seat sipping the 3rd or 4th drink to “relax” ya, thinking all is right with the world, your pilot is conversing with various and sundry people.
These samples were gathered from various sources all over the Net, and while I cannot vouch for the validity of any of them, trust me, these kinda things do happen all the time.
This is a collection of conversations both of commercial and private piloted aircraft.
Pilot: “Approach, how far from the airport are we in minutes?”
Reply: “South West 923, be advised, the faster you go, the quicker you’ll get here”
Pilot: “Approach, what’s our sequence?”
Reply: Aircraft calling for the sequence, I missed your call sign, but if I find out what it is, you’re last
Pilot: “Approach, United 346, you want us to turn right to 090?”
Reply: No, I want your brother to turn; just do it and don’t argue”
Pilot: “Approach, TWA 525, what’s this aircraft doing at my altitude?”
Reply: What makes you think it’s your altitude Captain?”
Airport: Delta 1176, say speed”
Pilot: “Delta 1176, we slowed it down to 220″
Airport: Delta 1176, pick it back up to 250… this ain’t Atlanta, we ain’t got no grits on the ground”
Pilot: “Approach, where’s the tower?”
Reply: “It’s that big tall building with glass all around it”
Pilot: “How far behind traffic are we?”
Reply: “Three miles”
Pilot: “That doesn’t look like three miles to us!”
Reply: “You’re a mile and a half from him, he’s a mile and a half from you… that’s three miles”
Ground Control: “United 423, see the DC9 in front and to your right, follow him, taxi to runway 9″
Pilot: “United 423, roger”
Pilot: (A little while later) “Ah… ground? That DC9 you told us to follow just pulled into a gate… got any other suggestions?”
Approach Control: “South West 437 you’re cleared for landing on Runway 17″
Pilot: “Uh… Be advised, we’re on the ground heading for the gate”
Approach Control: “Nice going, Captain!”
Pilot: “Jones tower, Cessna JW345, student pilot, I am out of fuel”
Tower: “Roger Cessna JW345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!”
Pilot: “Uh… tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is”
Control: “AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots”
Pilot: “Rogo’, Frankfurt. We’re bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya”
Control: (a few moments later): “AF1733, traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots”
Pilot: “AF one-seven and a thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots”
Control: (a few moments later): “AF1733, you are three miles to touchdown, traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots”
Pilot: (more than a little miffed): “Sir, do you know what the stall speed* of this here C-130 is?”
*[speed at which an airplane can no longer remain airborne]
Control: (a few moments later): “No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he may be able to tell you.”
Tower: “Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on runway”
Student Pilot: “Roger”
Tower: “Aircraft, I say again, go around”
Student Pilot: “Roger”
Tower: (Screaming) “AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!”
Student Pilot: “Roger”
(Still continues descent and lands)
The student pilot then, taxies up to where the waiting plane is sitting in the middle of the runway, goes around it, and continues on to the taxiway
From The Mind Of Steven Wright…What Was This Guy Smoking?
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box.
… I was an only child – - eventually.
I replaced my car headlights with strobe lights
… now it looks like I’m the only one moving.
My neighbor put in a circular driveway
… but now, he can’t get out.
I bought some powdered water once
… but I didn’t know what to add.
I put instant coffee in a microwave once
… and almost went back in time.
I Xeroxed a mirror just to see what would happen
… Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory
… But, you couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
I’ve started taking La Maze classes
… I’m not having a baby; just having trouble breathing.
Whenever I sit and think of the past
… it brings back so many memories.
I remember when the candle shop burned down
… Everyone stood around singing “Happy Birthday”.
It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is
… it’s always room temperature.
I make all my own water – -
… two glasses of H, one glass of O.
I have a map of the United States…
…it’s actual size
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards
… I got a full house and four people died.
I once bought a humidifier and a de-humidifier
…Then, I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Diction Guide to Texas
In case any of y’all are planning to travel in Texas, there exists a language there all its own. It’s a form of “Southern Drawl” but a lot of words are unique to Texas.
As an aid to travelers, some of the more common phrases/words are presented here so that y’all may communicate:
Something a fowl (such as hen) lays
Usage: “Ma, how much aigg money ya git this week ?”
An insect thru-out the world; lives in colonies
Usage: “That boy’s got aints in his pants”
Usage: “He bagged her to murry him.”
an incandescent lamp
Usage: “The lite bub done burned out agin’.”
A piece of furniture
Usage: “Keep that danged cat outta my cheer.”
A social event where couples move to music
Usage: “I’m a-gonna go to the Daintz Sattiday nite.”
to put on clothing
Usage: “She was drassed fit to kill”
right away; soon
Usage: “She’ll be downstairs dreckly.””
A boundary marker; wood/metal to enclose land
Usage: “Go fix the fance on the south field. ”
Usage: “He got farred from his job.”
A bloom on a plant or bush
Usage: “A Rose is a purty flar.”
Anyone not from Texas
Usage: “Damn furriners oughtta larn how to drive.”
Usage: “She was grain with envy”
Usage: “Hep me understand this now.”
HERN (possessive pronoun)
3rd person feminine
Usage: “It ain’t his’n, it’s her’n.”
Usage: “Dog’s so plum lazy, it’s lak he’d ruther sleep than eat.”
of limited width
Usage: “Damn door’s a-getin’ too nar to fit thru.”
Usage: “Let’s sat a bit on the parch and nack.”
Usage: “When she axed me out, I just said ‘nup’.”
pleasing or attractive
Usage: “That Sally-Mae’s one right prudy filly.”
RAH CHEER (adverb)
in this place
Usage: “I was borned rah cheer in this town.”
a circular band
Usage: “Danged fool asked Sally-Mae to murry him then couldn’t ford no rang.”
RAT NOW (adverb)
Usage: “I sed go git ‘em boy, rat now.”
A brief period of rain
Usage: “Wish-in’ it wud shar some and cooled thangs off a bit.”
a local or county law enforcement officer
Usage: “Hey Ma! Here comes the Shurf.”
Usage: “I’m-ah plum tuckered out.”
Ability to cognitively process
Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have some milk.”
Usage: “Boy — go worsh-up for supper.”
You Might Be From North Dakota If…
• The wind is faster than your truck
• Every other vehicle is a 4 X 4
• In April, your vehicle is 43% mud
• You leave the keys in your car and the next morning it’s still there
• You hear the words “stream” and “brook” pronounced “crick”
• You’ve broken down on the highway and somebody actually stops to help
• You can pay for 6 “Big Macs” with a personal check
• People drive 200 miles just to shop in a real mall
• You get a set of snow tires for Valentine’s Day
• The meat in your freezer is mostly deer
• A girls basketball game fills the gym
• You slept through the night un-awakened by a siren
• A rodeo is more popular than a rock concert
• Diet Coke is the drug of choice for most working people
• You wave to someone on the freeway because you recognize the truck
• Your favorite hors d’oeuvres are little weenies and BBQ sauce in a crock-pot
• You talk about a Combine and people don’t wonder what you’re putting together
• In the spring, every tenth vehicle you pass is a tractor
• Someone says manure spreader and you know it isn’t the local Congressman
• When the car in front of you is weaving, you suspect a farmer, not a drunk
• You define summer as three months of bad sledding
• You have as many Canadian coins in your pocket as American ones
• You expect to be excused from school for deer hunting season
• You assume everyone has seen Northern lights and sundogs
• You drive to town during a blizzard just to see if the weatherman knows what he’s talking about
• You understand that “Yah y’betch yah” means either “I agree” or “You’re full of it” and you know the difference
• The forecast is for 60 mph winds, 3 feet of snow, 60 below wind chill, and the highway is full of people from small towns going to any big city, just to shop or for the absolutely necessary reason of attending a basketball tournament
Ordering Pizza In The Twenty First Century
Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?
Customer: Hi, I’d like to place an order.
Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.
Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it’s 6102049998-45-54610.
Operator: Thank you Mr. McNaughton. I see you live on Glenforest St., and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is firstname.lastname@example.org. Which number are you calling from sir?
Customer: Huh? I’m at home. Where’d you get all this information?
Operator: We’re wired into the HSS, sir.
Customer: The HSS, what is that?
Operator: We’re wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.
Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I’! d like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.
Operator: I don’t think that’s a good idea, sir.
Customer: Whaddya mean?
Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you’ve got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won’t allow such an unhealthy choice.
Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?
Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I’m sure you’ll like it.
Customer: What makes you think I’d like something like that?
Operator: Well, you checked out ‘Gourmet Soybean Recipes’ from your local library last week, sir. That’s why I made the suggestion.
Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.
Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.
Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.
Operator: I’m sorry sir, but I’m afraid you’ll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.
Customer: I’ll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.
Operator: That won’t work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.
Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I’ll have the cash ready. How long will it take?
Operator: We’re running a little behind, sir. It’ll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you’re in a hurry you might want to pick’em up while you’re out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.
Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?
Operator: It says here you’re in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo’ed. But your Harley’s paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.
Customer: Well, I’ll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#
Operator: I’d advise watching your language, sir. You’ve already got a July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing at a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?
Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?
Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2-liter of Coke.
Operator: I’m sorry sir, but our ad’s exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this.
Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.