Some of the artists from the 60′s are re-releasing their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us elders… good news, for those feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes…
Herman’s Hermits – “Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”
Bobby Darin – “Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ A Flash”
The Temptations – “Papa’s Got A Kidney Stone”
Marvin Gaye – “I Heard It through the Grape Nuts”
Procol Harem – “A Whiter Shade of Hair”
Johnny Nash – “I Can’t See Clearly Now”
Paul Simon – “Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver”
Leo Sayer – “You Make Me Feel like Napping”
ABBA – “Denture Queen”
Roberta Flack – “The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”
Commodores – “Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom”
The Bee Gees – “How Can You Mend a Broken Hip”
Ringo Starr – “I Get By With A Little Help from Depends”
A Wife From Hell!
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,’ I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.’
The driver says, ‘Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: ‘Now don’t be silly, dear — you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once!!?’
The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.’
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’
The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That’s an automatic $75 fine.’
The driver says, ‘Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’
The wife says, ‘Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??’
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?’
(I love this part)
‘Only when he’s been drinking!!!
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”
2. Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”
4. Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”
5. Softball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”
6. Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.”
8. Soccer commentator: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”
9. Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them…Oh my God, what have I just said?”
I’d Hire Him
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida… and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
She Looks In The Mirror
Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty.
Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Cheerleader or if she is PMS’ing: sees fat/pimples/UGLY. (Mom I can’t go to school looking like this!)
Age 20: Looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too/short/too tall, too straight/too curly”- but decides she’s going anyway.
Age 30: Looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly” but decides she doesn’t have time to fix it, so she goes anyway.
Age 40: Looks at herself and sees “too fat/ too thin, too short/to tall too straight/too curly”- but says: “At least I’m clean” and goes anyway.
Age 50: Looks at herself and sees “I am” and goes where ever she wants to.
Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can’t even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn’t bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.
Wife: I feel like we’ve lost our spark
Husband: [removes hot pad, unplugs CPAP machine, takes out mouth guard, rips off breathing strip, puts on close-up glasses] HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?
Welcome To Adulthood
Adulthood Can Be a Bit of a Bitch
Parents at 27: married, multiple kids, house
Me at 27: I prefer to order food through an app so I don’t have to speak to any other humans
Adulthood is basically just trying to fall asleep at night and stay awake during the day.
Age 17: sneak out of the house to go to a party
Age 37: sneak out of a party to go home
What’s an adult problem nobody prepared you for?
Fruit and vegetables expire faster when you’re the one paying for them.
My favorite childhood memory is my back not hurting
My morning routine includes 10 minutes of sitting on my bed n thinking about how tired i am
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a plastic bag filled with 56 other plastic bags now.
Who knew the most taxing part of being an adult is trying to figure out what the fuck to have for dinner every goddamn night until you die
“Sorry I gotta be up early for work” is the adult equivalent of “my mom said no”
Apparently being an adult means googling phone numbers that call you rather than answering
Anyone else whisper “what the fuck to themselves 96 times a day or is it just me??
Adulting is overrated and I would very much like to unsubscribe
Welcome to adulthood.
You now get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I just wanna apologize to the people I called old at 30 when I was 18.
My life is 50% wondering if it’s too late to drink coffee and 50% wondering if it’s too early to drink alcohol.
Your 30s is basically waking up every morning wondering if you’re coming down with a cold or if this is just how you wake up now.
Hi, welcome to adulthood! You’ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow, you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days
30s may be the new 20s but 9pm is the new midnight
I remember the way I used to get excited whenever I received a letter addressed to me when I was younger, but every time I receive one now I think “fucking what now”
Being an adult is having the “we have food at home” talk with yourself.
The older I get the more I understand why my mom always said “I’m going to go lay down”
Nursery Rhymes Updated For The 21st Century
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won ten grand with Claims Direct.
It’s raining, it’s pouring
Of course its global warming.
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties
Now he can’t keep his heart rate down
And she’s got diabetes.
Georgie Porgie pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too coz he was gay.
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon
10,000 volts went up it’s arse
And turned its wool to nylon.
You Might Be A Republican If……
1. You think “proletariat” is a type of cheese.
2. You’ve named your kids “Deduction One” and “Deduction Two”
3. You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
4. You’ve ever referred to someone as “my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend”
5. You’ve ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
6. You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
7. You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
8. The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they’re richer than you.
9. You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
10. You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
11. You call mall rent-a-cops “jack-booted thugs.”
12. You’ve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
13. You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “Why don’t we just bomb the sons of bitches.”
14. You’ve ever said, “I can’t wait to get into business school.”
15. You’ve ever called a secretary or waitress “Tootsie.”
16. You answer to “The Man.”
17. You don’t think “The Simpsons” is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
18. You fax the FBI a list of “Commies in my Neighborhood.”
19. You don’t let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of “sexual deviance.”
The Scientific Explanation Of Fuck
The phrase “what the entire fuck” implies the existence of fractional fucks.
The phrase “what the absolute fuck” implies the existence of positive and negative fucks.
The phrase “what the actual fuck” implies existence of imaginary fucks.
Conclusion: fuckery is isomorphic with the complex field.