The French Chef – SNL
Friday The 13th
Today is Friday the 13th, unluckiest day of the year, so don’t take any unnecessary chances:
• Do not tell National Rifle Klan jokes at the Militia Expo.
• Do not offer to give away your Beanie Baby at a soccer mom’s convention.
• Do not invest heavily in a product called Howard Stern’s Ultra-Hold Flea Spray.
• Do not give Sammy “The Bull” Gravano a lecture on family values.
• If you’re going out for Chinese, do not order the black-cat soup.
• Do not tell doctor jokes during your prostate exam.
Important things to remember on Friday the 13th:
• Never trust a rabbit that tries to sell you his foot.
• Never walk under a mirror or break a black cat.
• 4-leaf clovers are lucky today — but not if you smoke them.
• The number “13″ is very unlucky–especially if it’s the only one you can get on the drugstore blood pressure machine.
• It is very unlucky today if a black crosses your path or gets flushed down your toilet.
• Walking under a ladder can be very unlucky today — especially if it’s at the drugstore the 16-year-old with zits is climbing down with a barbecue grill.
• Stepping on a cricket can very extremely unlucky today — especially for the cricket.
• Wearing garlic around your neck today will ward off evil spirits. It will also ward off good spirits, indifferent spirits, and any other spirits with noses.
• A rabbit’s foot is not lucky. If you don’t believe me, ask the rabbit.
• Wearing a lucky penny between your toes means good luck and blisters.
• For good luck, hang a horseshoe over your front door. For really good luck, hang the entire horse over your front door.
• Step on a crack, break your mother’s back. But don’t worry about it. After rearing you, mom probably would enjoy traction.
• Horseshoes usually bring good luck today, but never trust a horse that wears high heels.
• If you think walking under a step-ladder is unlucky, try walking under your step-mother.
• A rabbit’s foot can be lucky, unless the rabbit sets foot in your garden, in which case he’ll probably eat your string beans.
How To Start A Fight
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered. I then said,
‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes.’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started……
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office…
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And that’s how the fight started…
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And that’s how the fight started…
A figure of speech that uses an unexpected ending to a series or phrase:
1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. Going to your house of worship doesn’t make you a religious person, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
5. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
6. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
7. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
8. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
9. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
10. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
11. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
12. How is it, one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
13. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
14. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
15. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.
16. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
17. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
18. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
19. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you’re lucky!
When I Am Gone, Sell All My Stuff
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.
“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”
She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”
Drill PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “O Shit….”
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you’ve been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,” which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.
MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “DAMMIT” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, ‘Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students…?’
‘Wait a moment,’ Socrates replied. ‘Before you tell me, I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Test of Three.’
‘Test of Three?’
‘That’s correct,’ Socrates continued.
‘Before you talk to me about my student let’s take a moment to test what you’re going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?’
‘No,’ the man replied, ‘actually I just heard about it.’
‘All right,’ said Socrates. ‘So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?’
‘No, on the contrary…’
‘So,’ Socrates continued, ‘you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?’
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, ‘You may still pass though because there is a third test – the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?’
‘No, not really…’
‘Well,’ concluded Socrates, ‘if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?’
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
Tech Support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one.
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my DVD out!!!
Tech Support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure it’s really stuck.
Tech Support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute, I hadn’t inserted it yet. It’s still on my desk . . . sorry. Thank you.
Tech Support: Click on the ‘MY COMPUTER’ icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Tech Support: Hello. How may I help you?
Male Customer: Hi I can’t print.
Tech Support: Would you click on ‘START’ for me and…
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me. I’m not Billy Gates!!!
Customer: Good afternoon, this is Martha. I can’t print. Every time I try, it says . . . ‘CAN’T FIND PRINTER’. I even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can’t find it!!!
Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech Support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah . . . . . . . . . . thank you.
Tech Support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear that my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11 store.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech Support: Are you sure your keyboard is plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and take ten steps backwards.
Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Wait a moment please. . . . . . . Ah, that one does work. Thanks.
Tech Support: Your password is the small letter ‘a’ as in apple, a capital letter ‘V’ as in Victor, and the number ’7′.
Customer: Is that ’7′ in capital letters?
Customer: I can’t get on the internet.
Tech Support: Are you absolutely sure you used the correct password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my co-worker do it.
Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
Tech Support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Tech Support: That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry . . . Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem! My friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but, every time I move my mouse, it disappears.
Tech Support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first email.
Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it.
A woman customer called the Canon help desk because she had a problem with her printer.
Tech Support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting next to me is by a window, and his printer is working fine!
And last, but not least…
Tech Support: Okay Bob, press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now, type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don’t have a ‘P’.
Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech Support: ‘P’ . . . on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!
There! That outta make you feel better about your computer skills……
The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend, and didn’t inform the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:
“Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.
The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs, into the maid’s bed.
She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came silently………. He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his willy, and got on top of her. When he finished and still panting, the wife said “You didn’t expect to find me in this bed did you!!” and switched on the light.
“No madam, said the gardener”
A doctor tells a guy: “I have bad news. You have Alzheimer’s, and you have cancer.” Guy says, “Thank God I don’t have cancer.” – Roseanne
I was watching Gene Simmons’ TV show, “Family Jewels.” Or as it’s known in the business, ” ‘The Osbournes’ Without the Talented Father.” – Lisa Lampanelli
Barack Obama bowled a 37. Is he black enough for you now? – Bill Maher
I got a teenage daughter and a menopausal wife. One’s getting breasts, one’s getting whiskers. My life is over. – Bobby Slayton
To America, there’s just something about Charlie Sheen working with children that “feels right.” – Conan O’Brien
My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. I just moved his chair closer to the one we already have. – Wendy Liebman
On his daughter’s diaper: There was so much poop. It didn’t look like a baby’s poop. It looked like a 55-year-old alcoholic took a dump – Louis C.K.
I was a kid during the height of the Cold War. If I did something wrong, my parents just accused me of being a communist. – Jonathan Katz
I’m still in my first marriage. I know, it’s wrong to talk about it so temporary like that. My current husband hates it when I do that. – Ophira Eisenberg
I never liked Eliot Spitzer until he got busted with a hooker. Then I was sorry to see him leave office. I felt like there was finally someone in the government who represented my interests. – Jim Norton
My girlfriend said, “I hate it when you finish my sentences.” So I said, “Period.” – Sean Keane
Why do they put alcohol on the arm of a death row inmate before they give him the needle? Are they afraid he might get an infection? – George Carlin
Almost all serial killers are men. That’s ’cause women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years. – Robert Duchaine
My mom says to me, “Honey, I don’t want you to think I have diabetes because I’m fat. I have diabetes because it runs in our family.” I said, “No, mom, you have diabetes because no one runs in our family!” – Carolyn Castiglia
I just got engaged. My fiancée won’t take my name because “Lisa Levin” sounds awful. So she’s just going to remain Lisa Hitler. I understand – it’s a family name. – Todd Levin
I hate to travel. I guess it’s because my father used to beat me with a globe. – Dave Attell
The Theory Of Intelligence
I don’t think I’ve ever heard the concept explained any better than this.
‘Well you see, Normally, it’s like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, normally, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.