Robin Williams on Letterman 2011
Tom Cruise Kills Oprah
Why Men?
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free.
Here’s an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
1. Men are like Laxatives… They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas… The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather … Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders … You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars … Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials … You can’t believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores … Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like Government Bonds ……They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara … They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn … They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms … You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps … Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots… All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
United States of Iran?
Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Obama and tells him, “Barack, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner.”
“What did it say on the banners?” Obama asks.
Mahmud replies, “UNITED STATES OF IRAN.”
Obama says, “You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner.”
“What did it say on the banners?” Mahmud asks.
Obama replies, “I don’t know. I can’t read Hebrew.”
E-MOONING
A new phenomena called E-MOONING:
We all know those cute little computer symbols called ‘emoticons,’ where:
: ) means a smile and
: ( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
;~)
;~(
Well, how about some ‘ASSICONS?’
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) an ass hole
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that’s been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
You have just been E-Mooned!
Memoirs From the HR Department
Today I had to talk to an employee who e-mailed a photograph of his penis to a woman in his department. I knew it was his penis because it said, “This is my penis,” in the subject line. Also, his name badge was clipped to his belt and was clearly visible. I practiced saying, “Is this your penis?” over and over in my office until I could say it without giggling, and then I called him and his supervisor in.
“Is this your penis?” I asked, as I pushed the printout of the e-mail over to him.
I think I was expecting him to break into a sweat or try to jump through the window out of embarrassment, because apparently I’d forgotten about the fact that this was the same man who thought it would be perfectly fine to take a picture of his penis in the office bathroom to send it to a shocked coworker. Instead he grinned cockily (no pun in tended), saying, “I think the better question is, exactly how did you get a picture of my penis?”
“It was caught in the e-mail filter. The picture, I mean. Not your penis. If, in fact, that is your penis, I mean.” I was flustered, but tried to gain control of the situation again with a deep, calming breath. “Did you mail a picture of your penis?”
He raised an eyebrow. “Would it make it better if I said I was mailing pictures of someone else’s penis?”
I’ve thought about that question for fifteen years and I still don’t have a good answer. Instead I said, “Not really. Giving a coworker a picture of a penis is sort of universally frowned on. It’s in the employee hand book. Sort of. It’s between the lines.”
“Is there anything in the handbook about someone in HR handing you a penis picture and asking you whether it’s yours?”
I couldn’t think of anything to say to that, so I just told him he was fired and made a note that we need to update the employee handbook with more penis-related directives.
PMS
(Apologies to anyone who’s offended – but it IS funny, which is the only valid test of a joke; if it’s funny and someone is offended by it, considering WHY they’re offended even though it’s a joke can provide insight into their attitude toward the topic.)
Why do they call it “PMS”?
Because “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken.
Don’t blame me this one was from Lenny Bruce
Politically Incorrect Joke
A devout Moslem enters a taxi; once seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio, because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidels and certainly no radio.
So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.
The Arab asks him: “What are you doing, man?”
The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get out and wait for a fucking camel.”
Nutrition And Health
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.
It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans…
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Brilliant logic
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: “Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?”
Professor: “Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn’t be a professor, would I?”
Student: “OK. So Id like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can’t give me the correct answer, however, you’ll have to give me an “A”.
Professor: “Hmmmm, alright. So whats the question?”
Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can’t crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student’s failing mark into an “A” as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still cant get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?
To the professor’s surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.
“All right” says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer
“It’s quite easy, sir” says the student “You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.
Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal.
And your wife’s lover failed his exam but you’ve just given him an “A”, which is neither legal, nor logical.”
My New Primary Care Physician
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; it’s like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, which means they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body’s, your ratio would be two to one.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming were good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!
Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”