Cloud Pets May Have Been Hacked
The Baby Quiz
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: ‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
I boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs.
A blond female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator, which she did.
I firmly advised her that I was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
She was annoyed by my behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin ‘Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?’
Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them herself.
Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blonds aren’t as dumb as most men think.
AGGRESSION TESTING: If this doesn’t work, I’m gonna kill somebody.
COMPRESSION TESTING: 
CONFESSION TESTING: Okay, okay, I did program that bug.
CONGRESSIONAL TESTING: Are you now, or have you ever been a bug?
DEPRESSION TESTING: If this doesn’t work, I’m gonna kill myself.
EGRESSION TESTING: Uh-oh, a bug… I’m outta here.
DIGRESSION TESTING: Well, it should work, but let me tell you about my truck…
EXPRESSION TESTING: #@%^&*!!!, a bug!
OBSESSION TESTING: I’ll find this bug if it is the last thing that I do.
OPPRESSION TESTING: You will test this, now!
POISSION TESTING: Alors! Regardez le poission!
REPRESSION TESTING: It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.
SUCCESSION TESTING: The system is dead. Long live the new system!
SUGGESTION TESTING: Well, it works but wouldn’t it be better if…
PRESIDENTIAL TESTING: Using the definition of testing as defined in the affidavit…
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
“Hello. Mrs. Ward, please.”
“Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband’s biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband’s. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.”
“What do you mean?” asked Mrs. Ward nervously.
“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s, and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your husband’s.”
“That’s dreadful! Can’t you do the test again?” asked Mrs. Ward.
Normally we can, but both patient’s HMO’s will only pay for these expensive tests one time.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?” asked Mrs. Ward.
“The people at your HMO recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.”
What Would Have Been Different If Bill Gates Was A Redneck
1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you’d get an empty beer bottle
3. Occasionally you’d bring up a window that was covered with a hefty bag
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa
5. Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos
6. The Recycle Bin in Winders would be an outhouse
7. Whenever you pulled up the sound player you’d hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling Freebird!
8. Instead of Start Me Up the Winders theme song would be Achy-Braky Heart
9. PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt
10. Microsoft’s programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Bishul C++
11. Winders logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
13. Instead of latte carts we’d have grits carts
14. New Shutdown wav: Y’all come back now, Yah hear?
15. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called “Cuz”
16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans-Am
17. Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse
18. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill’s a billionaire
20. Spreadsheet software would include examples in inventory dead cars in your front yard
21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator.
22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
23. Instead of asking “where do you want to go today? It’s more like Hey mister, can I ketch a ridein the back?
24. Free eraser to erase the scribble marks off the screen when using the Note Pad
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a’ so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service Station, yelled one final ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ and rode off. ‘What did you do to get that Indian so excited?’ asked the service-station attendant. ‘Nothing,’ the woman answered.’ I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.” Lady,’ the attendant said, ‘Indians don’t use saddles’
Wise Words From Confucius
Children in the front seat of a car can cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat of a car can cause children.
If you believe that the quickest way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach, know that you are aiming a little too high.
Women are like swimming pools: they cost a great deal of money to maintain, considering the time that you spend inside.
Never drink while you drive. You could spill your beer.
Some bosses are like clouds: the minute they disappear, the day suddenly gets brighter!
To err is human. To blame someone else for your problem, is strategic.
Men wouldn’t lie as much to the women in their life, if the women in their life didn’t ask so many questions!
Women marry because they believe he will change some day.
Men marry because they believe she will never change.
Both are mistaken!
Your future depends on your dreams. Don’t waste any time, go to bed now!
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
Piss on it and walk away.
The AMA has declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must be more fully considered.
Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s Disease research.
It is now projected that by the year 2020 there will be thirty million people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who are unable to remember what to do with them.
To All Employees Re: Foul Language At Work
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of “TRY SAYING” phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with.
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: Of course I’m concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won’t work.
TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?
TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I’m on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF Another fucking meeting!
TRY SAYING: I don’t think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don’t give a shit.
TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive. Who does this remind you of?
INSTEAD OF: He’s a prick.
TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know : )
‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?