Steve Martin Vintage Television Stand Up Comedy short 1970s
If Walmart Made Wine
Coming soon, a new discount item, Wal-Mart’s own private label wine! The discount chain will be producing its own private label wine at prices you can afford! Let’s help them out. Here are some suggestions for naming this fine new drink.
• White Trashfindel
• Big Red Gulp
• Grape Expectations
• Chef Boyardeaux
• Peanut Noir
• Chateau de Moines
• I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
• World Championship Riesling
• Sam’s Shiraz
And for those special occasions
• Nasti Spumante
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.
A man walked into a Circle-K in Louisiana, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer…$15.
(Here’s a conundrum. If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So, he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.
Witnesses Who Have Perfect Recall
Lawyer: How old is your son, the one living with you.
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.
Lawyer: And where was the location of the accident?
Witness: Approximately milepost 499.
Lawyer: And where is milepost 499?
Witness: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
Lawyer: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Lawyer: What did she say?
Witness: What disco am I at?
Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male or a female?
Famous Last Words From Men
• Don’t worry. I know what I’m doing.
• Hit the switch and let’s see if it works.
• I read someplace that if you wear rubber-soled shoes you can’t get shocked.
• I’ve got the instructions right here in front of me. What could go wrong?
• There seems to be an extra wire. I wonder what that’s for?
• Think of the money we’re saving by not hiring an electrician.
• Just hang in there. It can’t get any worse.
• I dunno. Press the button and find out.
• That’s probably just thunder.
• Pull the pin and count to what?
• We should be able to cross here.
• The water doesn’t look too deep.
• Let’s split up. We’ll cover more ground.
• They never attack humans.
• Trust me. I know what I’m doing.
• I’m making a citizen’s arrest.
• I’ve seen this done on TV.
• I’m the best there is when it comes to driving on ice and snow.
• This tastes funny.
• Nice doggie.
• That’s odd.
• Watch this.
What’s Your Poison? Drink It Up
There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn’t move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.”
He continued, “When I left work and went to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.”
“I got home only to find my wife in bed with the mailman. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison.”
Fun Things To Do On An Elevator
SAY Just so you know, if this elevator breaks down, I have no problem cannibalizing your body for my survival.
SAY Congratulations, you broke the code. If you press the elevator button 3 times after it’s already been pressed, it goes into “Hurry” mode.
SAY -DING at each floor.
SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons on the elevator panel.
MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”
TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone in the elevator.
WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.
PUSH the elevator buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
SWAT at flies that don’t exist.
CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.
He Just Walked Into That One
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home, Mother of Six?”
His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts right back, “Any time you’re ready, Father of Four.”
Signs That Your Health Plan Is a Cheap Joke
• You must use pedal powered dialysis machines.
• Use of antibiotics is classified as an “unauthorized experimental procedure.”
• The exam room has a tip jar.
• You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
• The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
• Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
• Radiation treatment requires walking around with a postcard from Chernobyl in your pocket.
• Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
• The preprinted prescription pads say, “Walk it off, sissy pants.”
• Your Primary Care Physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
• The expensive MRI equipment was replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
• The 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK.
Back And Forth
Father: So you desire to become my son-in-law?
Young man: No. But if I marry your daughter, I don’t see any way out of it.
Police academy instructor: What would you do to break up a hostile crowd?
Cadet: Announce that I am taking up a collection.
Boss: Ms. Smith, get my broker on the phone.
Ms. Smith: Yes sir! Stock or pawn?
Foreman: Sorry, Missus, your husband fell into a vat of beer.
Wife sobbing: But did he go quickly?
Foreman: Well, no. He got out at least three times to go to the bathroom.
Dad: Johnny, why can’t you be good?
Johnny: I’ll be good for a quarter.
Dad: Why son, when I was YOUR age, I was good for nothing!”
Husband: Oh my gosh, I almost ran over a man from Miami!
Wife: How do you know he was from Miami?
Husband: He kept screaming something that sounded like “Sunny beaches!”
My seven-year-old niece went fishing with her grandpa.
After an hour or so, Grandpa asked, “Are you having any luck?”
“No!” she replied indignantly. “I don’t think my worm is really trying.”
How To Change The Oil In Your Car
Part 1. For Women.
Pull in to the local service shop when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
Drink a cup of coffee.
Fifteen minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
$25.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee
Total = $26.00
Part 2, For Men, the Redneck Way
Go to Bubba’s auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, and a scented tree.
Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to Bubba’s to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
Open a beer and drink it.
Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
Give up and use crescent wrench.
Unscrew drain plug.
Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
Clean up mess.
Have another beer while watching oil drain.
Look for oil filter wrench.
Give up. Poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
Drink one more beer.
Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
Beer? No, none left.
Walk to 7-11 to buy more beer.
Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
Remember drain plug from step 11.
Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
Discover that the drain plug was buried in the back yard with the used oil.
Drink another beer.
Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
Clean up the first quart of fresh oil that is now on the floor.
Drink another beer.
When tightening drain plug, the wrench slips and your knuckles bang on the frame.
Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
Begin cussing fit.
Cuss for an additional 10 minutes because the wrench hit Miss December and flawed her bustline.
Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood.
Drink another beer.
Drink another beer.
Dump in five quarts of fresh oil.
Drink another beer.
Lower car from jack stands.
Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
One last beer.
Test drive car.
Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
Car gets impounded.
Make bail, get car from impound yard.
$75.00 replace jack stand
$200.00 impound and towing fee
Total = $1,350.00