The Best of Jay Walking
Dr. Seuss’s Lesser Known Books
1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Are You My Proctologist?
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Feels a Ho
6. The Lemon-Fresh Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo—Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. The Grinch’s Ten Inches
12. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
13. The Bitch Set Me Up
14. I’ve Fallen — And I Can’t Get Up!
15. Yentl the Lentil
16. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
17. Aunts in My Pants
18. Hop On Mom
19. Oh, the Place You’ll Scratch and Sniff!
20. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
Are My Testicles Black?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,’ he mumbles, from behind the mask ‘Are my testicles black?’
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies ‘I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body.’
He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, are my testicles black?’
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘No sir, they aren’t and I assure you, there’s nothing wrong with them, Sir’
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, ‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely…..
‘A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – back?’
British Classified Ads
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
And the WINNER is…
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
1. “640K ought to be enough for anybody.” — Bill Gates, 1981
2. Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” –Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
3. I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” –Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
4. “I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and walked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” –The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
5. “But what … is it good for?” –Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
6. “There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” –Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
7. “This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” –Western Union internal memo, 1876.
8. “The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” –David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
9. “The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.” –A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing a reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
10. “Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” –H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers,1927.
11. “I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.” –Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”
12. “A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.” –Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.
13. “We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” –Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
14. “Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” –Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
15. “If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this.” –Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M “Post-It” Notepads.
16. “So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.’” –Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.
17. “Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.” –1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work.
18. “You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can’t be done. It’s just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training.” –Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the “unsolvable” problem by inventing Nautilus.
19. “Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy.” –Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
20. “Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” –Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
21. “Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.” –Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
22. “The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon”. –Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
23. “Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction”. –Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
24. “Everything that can be invented has been invented.” –Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
A couple brought their new-born son to the pediatrician for his first check-up, the doctor said, “You have such a cute baby.”
Smiling, the child’s mother said, “I’ll bet you say that to all the new parents.”
“No,” he admitted, “just to those whose babies are really cute.”
“So what do you say to the others?” I asked.
“He looks just like you!”
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, “Are there any friendly bears listening?”
After a moment, another voice replied, “Yes, I’m a friendly bear,” and then another voice, “I’m a friendly bear too!”
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds.
Then a small voice said, “You’re not a very friendly bear, are you?”
Love, Lust, Marriage
Love – when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust – when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage – when your belt won’t meet around your waist, and you don’t care.
Love – when it doesn’t matter if you don’t climax.
Lust – when the relationship is over if you don’t climax.
Marriage – what’s a climax?
Love – when you show concern for your true love’s feelings.
Lust – when you show concern for whether your partner is cute & sexy.
Marriage – when your only concern is what’s on television; & where is the remote?
Love – when your farewell is, “I love you, darling.”
Lust – when your farewell is, “Same time next week?”
Marriage – when your farewell is, “Don’t forget to pick up the kids on the way home.”
Love – when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
Lust – when you only see each other in the bedroom.
Marriage – when you never see each other awake.
Love – when your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust – when your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage – when your wallet empties every time you see them.
Love – when you’re interested in everything your partner does.
Lust – when you’re only interested in one thing.
Marriage – when you’re not interested in what your partner does; and where IS that darned remote?
Seminars For Women
1. Silence, the final frontier – Where no woman has gone before.
2. The undiscovered side of Banking – How to make deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome – You don’t need new shoes everyday.
4. Learn how not to inflict your diets on other people.
5. Nag Nag Nag – how to overcome your tendency to be like your mother.
6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.
7. Man Management – Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.
8. Personal Space – Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partner’s toothbrush.
9. Valuation – Just because it’s not important to you.
10. Communication Skills I – Tears as the last resort and not the first.
11. Communication Skills II – How to think before speaking.
12. What he really wants – Is buying the right razor blades so difficult?
13. Driving a car safely – A skill you can also acquire.
14. Real women drink their share at a party.
15. Telephones – How to hang up.
16. Parking – Beginner’s Course.
17. Parking (Advanced) – Reversing into a parking space.
18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel – Why they prefer the floor.
19. Managing your weight – It’s not water retention, it’s fat.
20. Learning to cook I – Bran in not food.
21. Learning to cook II – Bringing back bacon and eggs.
22. Compliments – How to accept them gracefully.
The Creation…Business Style
In the beginning was the Plan
And then came the assumptions
And the assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And darkness was upon the faces of the workers
And they spake unto their Group Heads, and sayeth:
“It is a crock, and it stinketh!”
And the Group Heads went unto their Section Heads, and sayeth:
“It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof.”
And the Section Heads went unto their Managers, and sayeth unto them:
“It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”
And the Managers went to their Director, and sayeth unto him:
“It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”
And the Director went unto his Vice-President, and sayeth:
“It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”
And the Vice-President went unto the President, and sayeth unto him:
“It promoteth growth, and it is very powerful.”
And the President went unto the Chairman of the Board and sayeth unto him:
“This powerful new Plan will actively promote growth and the efficiency of the Company.”
And the Chairman looked upon the Plan
And saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
Notes To An Ill Wife
(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.)
Monday A.M. Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside.
See you around six.
Tuesday A.M. Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I’m doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.
Wednesday A.M. Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris’s missing shoes? We’ve checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There’s some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.
Thursday A.M. Doris: Don’t panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. How do you turn off the milkman?
3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
4. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy’s hand?
5. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door?
I don’t know what you’re having for lunch! Surprise me!
Friday A.M. Hey: Don’t drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time.
I called your mother.