Friday Fun Stuff – 6-14-13

Toddlers & Tiaras with Tom Hanks


Jonathan Winters “The Stick” Apr 1964 Jack Paar


More Things Not To Say During Sex

1. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
2. Why am I doing all the work? (in a ménage a trois)
3. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth.
4. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
5. I think you have it on backwards.
6. When is this supposed to feel good?
7. Put the blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
8. You’re good enough to do this for a living.
9. Is that blood on the headboard?
10. Did I remember to take my pill?
11. Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?
12. I wish we got the Playboy channel.
13. That leak better be from the water bed!
14. I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!
15. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.
16. Did I tell you my aunt Martha died in this bed?
17. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
18. No, really I do this part better myself.
19. It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate myself.
20. This would be more fun with a few more people.
21. You’re almost as good as my ex!
22. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
23. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
24. You look younger than you feel.
25. Perhaps you’re just out of practice.
26. You sweat more than a galloping stallion.
27. They’re not cracker crumbs, it’s just a rash.
28. Now I know why she/he dumped you.
29. Does your husband own a sawed off shot-gun?
30. You give me a reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated?
31. I’ll bet you didn’t know I work for the Enquirer.
32. So that’s why they call you Mr. Flash!
33. My old girlfriend used to do it a lot longer.
34. Is this a sin too?


Disney Divorce Court

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.

“Mickey,” the judge says, “I’m sorry. I can’t grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me.”

“I didn’t say she was insane,” exclaims Mickey. “I said she was fu(king Goofy.”


Craig’s List Adds

Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed — $100.

Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.

Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.

Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.

Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor’s dog

Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.

Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.

Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 – $9 per hour.


Husband And Wife

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, “You’re an alphabet wife…A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”

She asks, “What the hell does that mean?”

He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot.”

She smiled happily and said, “Oh, that’s so lovely, but what about I, J, K?”

He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.


Easy Questions

1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

8. What was the President’s name in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?





Here are the Answers

1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name?

Answer: Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer:
Mt. Everest; it just wasn’t discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can’t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President’s name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now – Barack Obama [Oh, come on]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh!]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.


25 Ways To Annoy The Pizza Guy

1. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
2. Ask for extra homo-sapien
3. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
4. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
5. Ask them if you get a free date with one of the staff if you make an order over $30.
6. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
7. Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
8. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
9. Order a one-inch pizza.
10. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
11. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
12. Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue.
13. Change your accent every three seconds.
14. Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he says it, say, “Please don’t mention that word.”
15. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
16. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
17. Imitate the order taker’s voice.
18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
19. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
20. Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”
21. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
22. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
24. When they repeat your order, say, “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”
25. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”


Military Humor

(not an oxymoron)

On some air bases the military is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?”

The tower responded, “Who is calling?”

The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”

The tower replied, “It makes a lot of difference. If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o’clock. If it is an Air Force aircraft it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army plane, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to “Happy Hour.”

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———

During training exercises, a lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
“Your jeep stuck, sir?” asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
“Nope,” replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. “Yours is.”

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, “Yes, General, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.”
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, “What do you want?”
“Nothing important, sir,” the airman replied, “I’m just here to hook up your telephone.”

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———

Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again!”
Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, SIR!”

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He’ll tell you.

Q: What’s the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn’t think he’s a fighter pilot.

Q: What’s the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———

An Air Force Chief and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, “Hey, don’t put that stuff on me! My wife will think I’ve been in a whore-house!”

The Chief turned to his barber and said, “Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whore-house smells like.”

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———

“Well,” snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, “I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave.”

“Not me, Chief!” the Seaman replied. “Once I get out of the Navy, I’m never going to stand in line again.”


People Proven Spectacularly Wrong

“It’s a total mismatch; I’ll beat up on him real bad”
Muhammad Ali talking about Larry Holmes, 1979. Larry Holmes defeated him

“Can’t sing can’t act can dance a little”
Report on Fred Astair`s first screen test, 1932

“….that scoundrel Brahms, what a gift-less b@stard. It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed as a genius”
Tchaikovsky, speaking about Brahms 1886

“Forget it will yer, no civil war picture ever made a dime, get out of here”
Irving Thalberg, film producer, turning down the contract for Gone With The Wind, 1938

“50,000 bucks for a damn book! We’ll never pay that kinda dough for a damn book”
The Warner Bros partnership, upon being offered Gone With The Wind for production purposes at about the same time, c1938

“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?”
Movie Mogul H. M. Warner of Warner Bros. 1927

“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper”
Gary Cooper, on his decision to turn down the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”

“If any enemy bomber reaches the Ruhr, then you may call me Miere”
Reichsmarshall Hermann Goering to Hitler, 1939
“They did,..Meier”

“This telephone thing has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us”
Western Union internal memo. 1876.

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?”
David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn a grade better than ‘ C – ‘, the idea must be feasible.”
A Yale University Management Professor in response to Frederick Smith’s proposal for a reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith Successfully went on to found the Federal Express Corp.)

“Why would anyone would need anymore than 640k of memory?”
Bill Gates, Head of Microsoft 1981

“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? Ha Ha You’re crazy! Ha Ha.”
Industrial Drillers to Edwin. L. Drake whom he attempted to enlist on his new project to drill for oil. 1859

“Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is just ridiculous fiction”
Pierre Pachet, Top Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, France. 1872

“If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this”
Spencer Silver discussing his work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M “Post-It” Notepads.

“The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon”.
Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau”
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, shortly before The Wall Street Crash where all stock prices fell to there lowest ever. 1929.

“I believe that it is peace in our time”
Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain shortly before the outbreak of World War II

“Everything that can be invented has been invented”
Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, making an adamant statement. 1899.

“Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools”
New York Times editorial report about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work that later proved to be correct. 1921

“The Titanic is unsinkable, why even God couldn’t sink her”
Petty officer onboard the fated ship shortly before it hit an iceberg and sank. 1912


Ways To Cope With Stress

1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says “have a nice day”, tell them you have other plans.
5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Put your toddler’s clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9. Tape pictures of you boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
10. Leaf through “National Geographic” and draw underwear on the natives.
11. Tattoo “Out to Lunch” on your forehead.
12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13. Buy a subscription to “Sleazoid Weekly” and send it to your boss’s wife.
14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15. Drive to work in reverse.
16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17. Tell you boss to “blow it out your mule” and let him figure it out.
18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
19. Polish your car with earwax.
20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail.
25. Make a language up and ask people for directions in it.
26. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.


What Car Names Really Mean

What does the name of your car really mean? Where did the manufacturers really get their inspiration from?

CAR: Carries Around Readily.
ACURA: Always Catching Up, Rarely Ahead.
AMC: Always Made Cheaply.
AUDI: Always Under Diagnostic Inspection.
BMW: Burn My Wallet. Beautiful Mechanical Wonder.
BUICK: Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer.
CADILLAC: Company Always Denies Its Lawful Liability After Collisions.
CAMARO: Cash Always Miniscule After Retail Overpricing.
CHEVROLET: Can Hear Every Valve Rattle, Oil Leaks Every Time.
CHEVY: Customization Has Every Yearning.
CHRYSLER: Company Has Recommended You Start Learning Engine Repairs.
CORVETTE: Costly Ordinary Repairs Very Expensive Transmissions Tires Etc.
DAEWOO: Dated Asian Engines Work Only Occasionally.
DODGE: Drips Oil Drops Grease Everywhere / Doing Overhauls Daily Gets Expensive
FERRARI: Ferociously Elegant Racer Ravages Roads Intuitively.
FIAT: Found In A Trashcan / Fantastic In A Tight-spot / Finest Italian Automotive Technology
FORD: Found On Rubbish Dump / Fix On Regular Days / From Our Reject Department / Fords Only Roll Downhill.
GM: Great Misery / General Maintenance.
GMC: Gods Mechanical Curse / Garage Mans Companion.
HONDA: Had One Never Did Again / Horribly Overpriced No Dealer Assistance.
HUMMER: Huge Ugly Monster Makes Everyone React.
HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Not Drivable And Incentiveless.
JEEP: Just Eats Every Penny / Just Expect Every Problem.
JAGUAR: Just A Guess Users Are Rich / Jumps Around Grinds Uncontrollably Always Rusting.
KIA: Keep It Away / Keep Inside Asia / Korean Industrial Accident.
LAMBORGHINI: Lucky A Man By Owning Really Gives His Image Nice Incentive.
LINCOLN: Liability In Numerous Claims Of Legal Negligence.
LOTUS: Loads Of Trouble Usually Serious.
MASERATI: Made A Super Expensive Racer A Total Incentive.
MAZDA: Must Always Zoom Dangerously Along.
MERCEDES: Most Expensive Road Car Emits Dense Exhaust Smoke.
MITSUBISHI: Made In Taiwan Sold Under British Influence Shipped Here Incomplete.
NISSAN: Need I Say Something About Nothing.
OLDSMOBILE: Overpriced Leisurely Driven Sedan Makes Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday.
PLYMOUTH: Please Leave Your Mechanics Orders Under the Hood.
PONTIAC: Pathetic Old Nail Thinks Its A Cadillac / Pretty Overpriced Not That I Am Concerned.
PORSCHE: Plenty Of Repairs Sorry Can’t Have Everything / Proof Only Rich Snobs Children Have Everything.
RENAULT: Repeated Engine Noises Annoy Usually Loud Too.
ROLLS: Regal Opulence Likes Luxury Sedans.
ROLLS-ROYCE: Really Outrageous Limousines Lovely Style – Regal Opulence You Can Enjoy.
ROVER: Really Over.
SAAB: Sad Attempt At Beauty / Swedish Autos Always Breakdown.
SUBARU: Supped Up Bad Ass Race Unit.
TOYOTA: The One You Ought To Avoid.
VOLVO: Very Overpriced Lax Vehicle Options.
VW: Very Wonderful / Virtually Worthless / Void Warranty.


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I'm Guessing It's A Girl But I Could Be Wrong
 
Unfortunately I Know A Lot Of People Like That
Unfortunately I Know A Lot Of People Like That
 
Goooooaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllll!!!!!!
Goooooaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllll!!!!!!
 
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I Always Wondered How That Was Done
 
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Be On The Look Out For The Army's New Stealth Cows
 
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And Here We Have The Latest From McDonalds, Dinner And Dessert In One Bite!
 
Depending On Where You Live,
This Is Either The Best Dream You’ve Ever Had Or The Worst Nightmare
Depending On Where You Live This Is Either The Best Dream You've Ever Had Or The Worst Nightmare
 
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You Stay Right Here While Mommy Goes Shopping
 
Hey Tom Didn’t Anyone Ever Tell You,
Your Supposed To Let The Woman Who Gave Birth To Your Kids Win
Hey Tom Didn't Anyone Ever Tell You Your Supposed To Let The Woman Who Gave Birth To Your Kids Win
 
Best Magic Trick Ever!
Best Magic Trick Ever

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