Would You Pass The Canadian Citizenship Test?
More Ways To Know You’re A Nurse
1. You notice that you use more four letter words now than before you became a nurse.
2. Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of them on you.
3. You can intubate your friends at parties.
4. You don’t get excited about blood loss … unless it’s your own.
5. You live by the motto, “To be right is only half the battle, to convince the physician is more difficult.”
6. You’ve basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.
7. You’ve told a confused patient your name was that of your coworker and to HOLLER if they need help.
8. Eating microwave popcorn out a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
9. Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago’s water tank.
10. When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren’t sure of the answer.
11. You find yourself checking out other customer’s arm veins in grocery waiting lines.
12. You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner break, sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up.
13. You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they’ll drop near you and you’ll have to do CPR on your day off.
14. You’ve sworn you’re going to have “DNR” tattooed on your chest.
Note this is an exact replication of National Public Radio interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your post?
GENERAL REINWALD: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers!
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one … are you?
Company Mottos That Can Be Said During Sex
“Finger licking good.”
“The more you play with it, the harder it gets. SEGA!”
“Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.”
“We know a thing or two because we’ve seen a thing or two.”
“That gum commercial from years back. Juicy fruit! Stick it in, pull it out, the taste is gonna get you when you put it in your mouth.”
“Is it in you?” (Gatorade)”
“Have it your way.”
“Where’s the beef?”
“Obey your thirst.”
“I’m loving it.”
“Just do it.”
“Good to the last drop.”
“Flick it! Twist it! Pull it! Spin it! Bop it!”
“Mio: “squirt a little, squirt a lot”
“Why not both?”
“The snack that smiles back ;)”
“Strong enough for a man, made for a woman”
“Takes a licking and keeps on ticking (Timex)”
“Betcha can’t eat just one”
“Breakfast of Champions”
“Double your pleasure, double your fun”
“Ram tough. (Dodge)”
“You buy one, you get one free”
“When you care enough to send the very best”.
“You’re in good hands (Allstate)”
“Now you’re playing with power! (Nintendo)”
“It’s magically delicious”
“You can do it. We can help.”
“It takes two hands to handle a Whopper. (Burger King)”
“What’s in your wallet?”
“Break me off a piece of that…”
“There are somethings money can’t buy for everything else there’s MasterCard.”
The Old Indian Chief
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.
“Chief Two Eagles,” asked one official, “you have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his material wealth. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.”
The chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, “When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having s ex.”
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, “White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.
Sure I’ll Hire You
Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees…
A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
Candidate announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer’s office.
Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
Candidate brought large dog to interview.
Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
Candidate dozed off during interview.
Sex At 78
Yesterday I picked an advertisement out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 78!
I’m so happy, because I live at number 74………so it’s not too far to walk home afterwards.
And, it’s the same side of the street so I don’t even have to cross the road!
Who said Life isn’t good in our Senior Years????
Things Not To Say To A Cop When You Get Pulled Over
1. Back off Barney, I’ve got a piece.
2. Want to race to the station?
3. On the way to the station let’s get a twelve pack.
4. You’ll never get those cuffs on me…You Pussy!
5. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
6. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
7. Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
8. I’m surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
9. Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?
10. “Bad Cop! No Donut!”
11. You’re NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
12. “Lets do it different this time… I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow”
13. Didn’t I see you get your ass kicked on “COPS” last week on TV?
14. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend’s bed.
15. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
16. So, uh, you “on the take”, or what?
17. So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn’t let you play with your gun when you were little?
18. Hey is that a 9 mm? That’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
19. When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the camcorder.
20. Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
21. Aren’t you one of the Village People?
The Day The Penis Asked For A Raise
I the Penis, hereby request raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor. I work in great depths. I plunge head-first into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp, dark environment, with very high temperatures and poor ventilation. My work often exposes me to contagious diseases.
Dear P. Niss,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You also do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Words Of Wisdom From Children
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. – Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid? don’t answer him. – Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. Michael. 14
4. Stay away from prunes. – Randy. 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence. – Robert, 13
6. Don’t squat with your spurs on. – Noronha, 13
7. Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to. Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair. -Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment-Traci. 14
10. Don’t sneeze in front of mom when you’re eating crackers. -Mitchell, 12
Il. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. – Andrew, 9
12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. – Kyoyo, 9
13. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass milk. – Armir, 9
14. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. – Kellie, 11
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. -Naomi, 15
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. – Lauren, 9
17. Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat- -Joel. 10
18. When you get a bad grade in school. Show it to your mom when she’s on the phone. – Alyesha, 13
19. Never try to baptize a cat. – Eileen. 8
The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him. He said “Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we’re going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?”
One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said “Please tell us what the resurrection is”.
The boy, proud that he knew the answer, stood up said in a clear loud voice…”When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!”
It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten – but that boy’s voice won’t be.