Indiana Home Shopping with James Van Der Beek and Anna Camp
McDonald’s Job Application
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald’s in Florida… and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Changing Men and Women
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
Sarcastic Remarks We Wish We Could Say
1. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
2. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
3. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
4. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
5. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
6. You!… Off my planet!
7. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cats
8. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
10. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
11. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be …?
12. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
13. Allow me to introduce my selves.
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
16. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
17. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
18. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
20. A woman’s favorite position is CEO.
21. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
30. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
31. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door 1?
32. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
36. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
37. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
38. I plead contemporary insanity.
39. And which dwarf are you?
40. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
41. Meandering to a different drummer.
42. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
How To Greet Your Mother-In-Law
The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front porch.
She said, “Can I stay here for a few days?”
I said, “Of course you can.” and shut the door.
Pay Your Bill
In March 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston, Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn’t send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they’d take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.
A week later, the man’s bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
1. If You Drink Don’t Park, Accidents Cause People.
2. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
3. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
4. If At First You Don’t Succeed . . . Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
5. If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
6. You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
7. The Earth Is Full – Go Home
8. I Have The Body Of A God… Buddha
9. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me
10. So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time
11. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
12. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
13. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
14. Illiterate? Write For Help
15. Honk If Anything Falls Off
16. Cover Me I’m Changing Lanes
17. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
18. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
19. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
20. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
21. It’s Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
22. I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
23. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
24. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
25. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
26. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
27. Boldly Going Nowhere
28. Cat: The Other White Meat
29. Heart Attacks… God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
30. Honk If You’ve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
31. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
32. If You Can’t Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
33. PETA – People Eating Tasty Animals
34. Saw It… Wanted It… Had A Fit… Got It!
35. Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00…In Ammunition
36. What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull
37. Money Isn’t Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
38. Why don’t police cars have a bumper sticker that says, “How’s my driving?”
Cats & Teenagers
For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom.
9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.
10.Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
More Stupid Sports Quotes
These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.” (1982)
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: “He wants Texas back.” (1981)
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: “One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?” (1966)
Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team’s co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: “I’m Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time.” (1981)
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: “But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.” (1991)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.” (1986)
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: “It’s basically the same, just darker.” (1991)
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: “I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot.” (1996)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’ “(1991)
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.” (1991)
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.” (1987)
Two little girls in were sitting in the lunchroom of the Beverly Hills Elementary School.
“Guess what?” one said. “Mommy’s getting married again and I’ll have a new Daddy.”
“Really?” said the other girl. “Who is she marrying?”
“Winston James, the famous Director.”
The second girl smiled. “Oh, you’ll like him. He was my Daddy last year.”
A sign on a door in the food court in the Patrick Henry Mall reads:
“Adults and children ages 12 and under.”
A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O’Hare airport in Chicago:
“Do not activate with wet hands.”
Bulldog for Sale
“Bulldog for sale Eats anything Very fond of children”
In a Florida maternity ward:
“No children allowed.”
Sign in a store:
“I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day and tomorrow doesn’t look good either.”
Outside a country shop in West Virginia:
“We buy junk and sell antiques.”
On a Tennessee highway:
“Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”
In the window of an Oregon store:
“Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”
In a Maine restaurant:
“Open seven days a week and weekends.”
On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon:
“Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help.”
A sign seen over the toilet paper dispenser in a military “latrine” (bathroom):
“Another quality product of the 3M company, sandpaper division.”
In a classified ad:
“Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.”
In a Los Angeles clothing store:
“Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”
On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut:
“No trespassing without permission.”