Gavin In The Butcher Shop – Kids in the Hall
I’m So Old That…
I have dialed a rotary phone (that didn’t have an answering machine).
I recorded a song that I love off a transistor radio onto a tape recorder.
I watched a black and white TV (with less than 10 channels) that had foil on the rabbit ear antennas.
I have taken a long walk without counting the steps.
I have eaten food that I didn’t take pictures of.
Apparently I’m really old
All Good Reasons
A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”
The man says, “Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”
“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”
“Well, then, we need a urine sample.”
“I’m sorry, officer, I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.”
“All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
“I can’t do that, officer.”
“Because I’m drunk.”
So This Is Marriage
When your wife says “It’s ok, go have fun”
Do not have fun, abort mission. I repeat, abort mission
Dr: are you involved in any dangerous sports?
Man: well, sometimes I disagree with my wife.
I show my husband I love him by cooking for him, watching dumb movies with him, not cutting the brakes on his car…
It’s the little things
Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers, but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn’t want to share.
Marriage is just texting each other “Do we need anything else from the grocery store?” a bunch of times until one of you dies.
You know you’ve been married a while when you can correctly answer “What’s that one person’s name in that movie about the thing?”
My husband just texted me from the bathroom and asked me to bring him “a lot more toilet paper,” so yeah, the romance ain’t dead people.
I just asked this couple how long they’ve been married.
He said: 57 years.
I asked: what’s the secret?
She said: he hasn’t died yet.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
90% of marriage is just shouting “What” from other rooms.
My husband can sleep through anything except me shining a tiny light briefly on the book I’m reading in bed.
My husband doesn’t seem to realize I’m mad at him which is ridiculous because I just spent the last 20 min convincing him I’m not mad at him
Marriage is essentially just having somebody who you can have regular conversations with while one or both of you are stark naked.
Coffee is like marriage. First, it’s really hot. Then it’s just right. Then it helps you get off your ass and do things.
Happy wife, happy life
Nothing rhymes with happy husband. Welcome to married life dumb-ass!
One day three men are out having a relaxing day fishing, when suddenly they catch a mermaid. After hauling the mermaid up in a net, she promises that if the men set her free, in return she will grant each of them a wish.
The first man doesn’t believe it so he says, “Alright, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ.” The mermaid says, “Done” and suddenly, the first man starts to flawlessly recite Shakespeare and analyze it with extreme insight.
The second man is so amazed, he looks at the mermaid and says, “Triple my IQ.” The mermaid says, “Done” and the second man starts to recite solutions to all of the mathematical problems that have been stumping all of the scientists in various fields from physics to chemistry, etc.
The third man is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, he says to the mermaid: “Quintuple my IQ.”
The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I normally don’t try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you’d reconsider.”
The man responds, “Nope, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”
“Please,” said the mermaid “You don’t know what you’re asking, it’ll change your entire view of the universe. Won’t you ask for something else. a million dollars, anything?”
But no matter what the mermaid said, the third man insisted on having his IQ increased by five times it’s usual power.
So the mermaid finally relented and said, “Done.”
The third man became a woman.
1 slice Whole Wheat Bread
8 oz. Milk
4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Zucchini
1 Oreo Cookie
Rest of the package of Oreo’s
1quart Rocky Road Ice Cream with Hot Fudge
2 loaves Garlic Bread
Large Pepperoni and Mushroom Pizza
Large Pitcher of Pepsi
2 Milky Way Candy Bars
Entire Frozen Cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer
I Don’t Care If You Think It’s Mean, I Laughed Out Loud At This!
Next time you ‘break wind’ in public say, “Do I smell popcorn?”
Then watch everyone take a deep breath!
I like to keep a corner of my classroom as a safe place for crying or tantrums. Now I just have to make a spot for the kids too
I asked my students today what keeps them motivated. One of them said “spite.”
I was fired from my job as a Kindergarten teacher for handing condoms to the parents of students I didn’t like.
When you’re a teacher and your dog eats everyone’s homework.
My student just said “Violence is never the answer. It’s the question. The answer is yes.” Send help!
I changed “office hours” to “happy hours” and my students have been bringing me appetizer sampler platters at reasonable prices
Those who think kids can’t write a full essay haven’t seen the subject lines of emails they send to their teachers.
Teacher Confession: In an email to parents, I caught the following typo before hitting send: “Please hesitate to reach out!” …and I just left it like that.
You know you’re an educator when your response to being cut off on the highway is “that’s not a safe choice”
Do you think parents know how much wine, gangsta rap, carbs, and f words it takes to run a classroom?!
Today a student asked me if a word needed a “flying comma”. He meant apostrophe, but I think I’m going to call them flying commas from now on just because it makes me smile
My mom has trained her unruly 5th grade class to respond to “hear ye hear ye” with “all hail the queen” followed by immediate silence i’m both appalled and impressed
Yesterday one of my students called me mom. I’ve officially made it.
Someone farted in class the other day, and a kid accused ME of doing it. I told them I don’t fart in class and that if I did, I would go out in the hallway. Now, anytime I leave the classroom, they ask, “Are you going out to fart?” I’m dead.
The greatest gift I could ever receive for Teacher Appreciation Week would be for all the 6th graders to wear deodorant for an entire week straight.
One of my students asked me yesterday when will I marry? I sent her out
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I once told a student I was proud of her for succeeding in something we had been working on all year and said I was about to tear up (which was true) and she said “Go tell it to your pillow.”
“The Colosseum is a impotent building”. Didn’t know if I should mark her down for spelling or give her extra credit for a modern day assessment.
Two Women Meet
“Me & my husband are no longer together…”
“Well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job, and always cusses?”
“No, of course, I couldn’t!”
“Well, he couldn’t either!”
The Black Cat Analogy
Philosophy is like being in a dark room and looking for a black cat.
Metaphysics is like being in a dark room and looking for a black cat that isn’t there.
Theology is like being in a dark room and looking for a black cat that isn’t there and shouting “I found it!”
Science is like being in a dark room and looking for a black cat using a flashlight.
Why A Woman Needs A Husband?
Woman: I don’t want to marry. I am educated, self-sufficient and satisfied with myself. But my friends all say that I should marry. What should I do?
Psychiatrist: You will no doubt achieve great things in life. But sometimes things won’t go your way. Sometimes your plans will fail. Then whom will you blame? Will you blame yourself?
Psychiatrist: “And that’s why you need a husband.”