Friday Fun Stuff – 6-3-22

Milton Berle and Harpo Marx 1959


Pixar Opening Gone Wrong


More Employment Ads

And what they really mean.

  1. Civil Service – The job was filled from the inside 6 months ago
  2. Women/Minorities Encouraged – White males need not waste a stamp
  3. Outstanding Benefits Package – Health Insurance
  4. Tons of Variety – We took all the heinous tasks no one else would do and rolled them into one job
  5. Top Notch Communication Skills – Telemarketing
  6. Beautiful Offices in Attractive Locale – Brand new tacky windowless office where picture frames match the carpet
  7. Secretary – Women only job with the responsibilities of management and the wages of a migrant worker
  8. Executive Secretary – The most powerful person in any company
  9. Dedicated – You’re looking at a minimum of 80 hours per week until we force you into early retirement
  10. Salary Commensurate – We’ll pay you whatever the Hell we feel like
  11. Salary Negotiable – We’ll take the lowest bidder
  12. Competitive Salary – We’ll pay you up to 10% more than your last job… Period!
  13. Competitive Starting Salary – Ten cents above minimum wage
  14. Pleasant Atmosphere – A staff of pod people
  15. Professional Atmosphere – Zombie pod people
  16. Fun, Creative Atmosphere – Pod people from Hell
  17. Dynamic Atmosphere – Zombie pod people from Hell
  18. Gal Friday – Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it
  19. Self Starter – Open to broad interpretation, since no one really knows what this means

Hey, It’s All How You Look At It

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I’m paid to travel.

My dates are always upset when I tell them I’m a bus driver.


Unlikely Barney Episodes

1. “BARNEY GETS A BONER”
2. “BARNEY’S NIGHT WITH MADONNA”
3. “BARNEY, BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD”
4. “BARNEY DOES SNUFFELUPIGUS”
5. “JURASSIC BARNEY”
6. “BARNEY TALKS TO THE AUTHORITIES ABOUT MISSING CHILDREN”
7. “BARNEY GETS THE LAB RESULTS ON THOSE GREEN SPOTS”
8. “BARNEY BUYS A RUBBER”
9. “BARNEY BARBEQUES THE BACKYARD GANG”
10. “PICKING UP THE DINO-DOO”
11. “BOPPING BABY BOP”
12. “BARNEY’S FAVORITE SAILOR SONGS”
13. “BARNEY COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET”
14. “BARNEY MEETS GODZILLA”
15. “BARNEY ON A BENDER”
16. “BARNEY HAS NEEDS…”
17. “BARNEY AT BETTY FORD”
18. “BARNEY ADMITS EATING ALL THE ADULTS”
19. “BARNEY’S BIG PURPLE ONE”
20. “BARNEY BUYS A BLOW-UP DOLL”
21. “BARNEY DOES IT DOGGIE-STYLE”


European Economics Explained

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town.

When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard said; “You see that bridge over there?
The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built”.

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor’s house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvelous.

When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; “You see that bridge over there?”
The Spaniard replied; “No.”


Top 10 Man-Gina/She-Nis Activities

Things a man would do if he woke up with a vagina
10. Immediately go shopping for a vibrator
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half
8. See if he could finally do a split
7. See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping-pong ball 20 feet
6. Cross his legs without rearranging his crotch
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 20 minutes
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too
1. Finally find that damn G-Spot

Things a woman would do if she woke up with a penis
10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world
9. Get a blowjob
8. Find out what is so fascinating about “beating the meat”
7. Pee standing up
6. Determine WHY you can’t hit the bowl consistently
5. Find out what it is like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm
4. Touch/shift herself in public without a thought as to how improper it might seem
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction that occurs between a man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member, which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement
1. Repeat #9


You Just Can’t Get Some People To Read

Romeo & Juliet is NOT a love story.

It’s three-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that resulted in 6 deaths.

Sincerely,
Everyone who actually read it


More Insults From Kids

Said in awe: “Mom, you look like Scar from Lion King this morning.”
So I’m aging well apparently.

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

My 6 yo niece: if you grow your beard any longer you’ll look ugly

My 13yo had to draw a woman he admires for an art project and when he told me he chose me my heart almost exploded but then he said “my sister is too little so you were the only other choice”, and this must be what they mean when they say parenting is not for the faint of heart.

I feel like crap and my 10 year old came into the living room and said, “Oh boy do you look like crap or what!”
Kids are just the best.

10 year old: Did you have pens in the olden days when you were a kid?
Me: Yes.
10:
Me:
10: Did I just insult you a little bit?

Me: Why are you poking my butt?
8yo: Because it’s fun!
Me: Fair enough
8yo: Also because it so squishy! SQUISHY BUTT! SQUISHY BUTT!
Me:

I was shaking it like the Beyoncé I am when the kids came in, fell over laughing and told me I look like, “Cinderella trying to pee while wearing her glass slippers.”
-Me, explaining to my husband why I will be enrolling the kids in boarding school.

My 9yo just walked up to me while I was eating and said “good cow impression, Mommy! Never mind, that’s just you chewing.” He might not make it to 10.

My kid told me I look like David Beckham if David Beckham had no tattoos and lots of damage to his face.

Every time I start to feel good about myself, my 5 yr old calls me something like Squishy Mommy to keep my ego in check.

My 3yo told me I look like a burrito. Honestly I don’t know if she meant it as a compliment or an insult.

Me: *stops suddenly*
Kid: *runs into my ass*
Kid: Whew. I’m lucky that’s really squishy.
Me:

My 4yo just tried to insult me by saying I looked “really old like 20 or something” but it was actually the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.


Demerit Point System Used by Women

(The code is finally broken – the demerit system is no longer a mystery!) For all you guys out there who just can’t figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects… Sorry, but that’s the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed………………………………………….. 1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows………0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…………………..-1
You leave the toilet seat up………………………………..-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty………………0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…….-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.-2
You check out a suspicious noise at night …………………….0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing………………0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something…………… 5
You pummel it with a six iron……………………………… 10

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party………………………..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy……………………………………………-2
Named Tiffany…………………………………………….-4
Tiffany is a dancer……………………………………….-6
Tiffany has implants………………………………………-8

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner………………………………….0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar ………… 1
Okay, it is a sports bar…………………………………..-2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night……………………………..-3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team…………………………..-10

THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget her birthday completely…………………………-20
You forget your anniversary……………………………….-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station………………..-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey…………………………….-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast…………………-60

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie…………………………………… 2
You take her to a movie she likes………………………….. 4
You take her to a movie you hate ………………………….. 6
You take her to a movie you like……………………………-2
It’s called Death Cop 3…………………………………….-3
Which features cyborgs having sex…………………………..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans………..-15

FLOWERS
You buy her flowers only when it’s expected…………………..0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ….. 20
You give her wildflowers you’ve actually picked yourself ……. 30
And she contracts Lyme disease…………………………….-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly………………………… -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.. 1
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ……………………………………-30
You say “I don’t care because you have one too” ……………-800

FINANCES
You spend a lot of money on something impractical…………… -5
Something she can’t use…………………………………..-10
Such as a motorized model airplane…………………………-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday………………-40

DRIVING
You lost the directions on a trip………………………….-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost…………….-10
You don’t stop to ask directions …………………..0
You stop and ask for directions …………………. 25
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ……………..-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal……………………………………………….-25
You know them…………………………………………..-60

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Do I look fat?” ……………………………….-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding……………………………….-10
You reply, “Where?”……………………………………..-35

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression…………………………..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes……… 5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.. 10
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep…………..-20


What Famous People Said

“There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.” Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

“Things you’ll never hear a woman say: ‘My, what an attractive scrotum!’ Patricia Arquette

“And God said: “Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.” George Burns

“Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.” Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.” Sharon Stone

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she’s reading.” Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

“My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee, the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.” Dan Rather (News anchorman)

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem?” Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” Tiger Woods

“I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.” Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.” Axel Rose (Guns’n’Roses)

“Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.” Rev. Jesse Jackson

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” Robin Williams

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” Roseanne

“In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women’s breasts?” Hugh Grant

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” Dustin Hoffman


Thief Tastes Bitter Failure

AUCKLAND: The offender has yet to be found but the punishment admirably fitted the crime, police believe.

An elderly couple camping in a mobile home at a camping ground were awakened by a noise outside.

Thinking nothing of it, they went back to sleep.

The next morning it was apparent a potential petrol thief had tried to take their fuel.

But as the police reported, the thief got more than he or she bargained for.

On the ground by one of the mobile home’s tanks was a pool of vomit and a syphon hose.

Also lying on the ground was not the cap from the fuel tank, but the cap from the mobile home’s sewage holding tank.


Couldn’t Have Said It Better Myself
Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself
 
You Only Need To Be Told This Once
You Only Need To Be Told This Once
 
Don’t Even Think Of Telling Me This Was An Honest Mistake
Don’t Even Think Of Telling Me This Was An Honest Mistake
 
Finally A Realistic Warning Label For Everyone
Finally A Realistic Warning Label
 
Gimme Your Lunch Money You Little Shit!
Gimmy Your Lunch Money You Little Shit!
 
Great Things Don’t Always Go Together
Great Things Don’t Always Go Together
 
Of All The Parts Of The Future That Could Have Come True, Why Did It Have To Be This One?
Of All The Parts Of The Future That Could Have Come True, Why Did It Have To Be This One
 
That’s What Happens When You Believe In Fairy Tails
That's What Happens When You Believe In Fairy Tails
 
Ok, Who Let The Stoners Into The Ice Cream Factory?
Ok, Who Let The Stoners Into The Ice Cream Factory
 
If You Girlfriend Gets This Joke, Mary Her…Yes, Mine Did!
If You Girlfriend Gets This Joke, Mary Her

Leave a Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Upload Files

Send Me Joke Suggestions