Realistic Oil Company Ad You Will Never See
Steve Martin On Parkinson – 1979
Bart At The Chalkboard!
The opening credits of “The Simpsons” shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on the chalkboard. Here are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from some of the opening credits.
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I’m sick.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell “She’s Dead” at roll call.
The principal’s toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal “spud head”.
Goldfish don’t bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
How To Get Around Stupid Rules
This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $10”.
The teller told her “For withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM.
The old lady wanted to know why…
The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “These are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you”.
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her “You have $300,000 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her any amount up to $3000.
“Well please let me have $3000 now.”
The teller kindly handed $3000 very friendly and with a smile to her.
The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2,990 back into her account.
The moral of this story is….
Don’t be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skill
Long List Of Annoyances!
Things that can and do bother the “normal” person.
Having to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thingy in the middle of them.
The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The same person that gives you a “blank stare” when you look at them.
There’s always a car riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address.
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
It’s bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don’t realize it till you walk across your living room rug. Especially since you don’t even have a dog!
There’s a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
You slice your tongue licking an envelope…OUCH!
Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you’re trying to get a reading.
You wash a garment with one tiny tissue in the pocket, and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling…DOUBLE OUCH!
People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
You can’t look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don’t know how to spell it!
You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just browsing.
You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
How To Tip At A Strip Club
Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club:
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his ass cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other ass cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over and licks the $50 bill. I’m worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his ass cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me. Now everyone’s attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What was I to do? The woman in me took over… I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the eighty dollars and left.
More Of The Mom Dictionary!
FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question “What’s for dinner tonight?” See “SARCASM”
FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How Hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.
GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.
GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom’s kids.
GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.
HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.
ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.
“I SAID SO”: Reason enough, according to Mom
JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends’ homes for the night.
JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.
“JEEEEEEEEZ!”: Slang for “Gee Mom, isn’t there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?”
JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.
JUNK: Things belonging to Dad.
KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
KISS: Mom medicine.
Three Trees And A Woodpecker
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, ‘Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’ The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, ‘It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.
Now wipe that smile off your face.
Signs That You “Just Might” Have A Drinking Problem.
• You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
• You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
• Your job is interfering with your drinking.
• Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
• Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
• 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!
• Two hands and just one mouth … now THAT’S a drinking problem!
• The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
• Every woman you see has an exact twin.
• You fall off the floor.
• Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger — forget dinner!
• The glass keeps missing your mouth.
• Republicans starts to make sense.
• Mosquitoes catch a buzz after biting you.
• The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in.
• “Hi ocifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.”
• You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
• “BeerTender! Get me another Bar!”
Yes, I’m Sure It’s The Light
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing.”
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. Whoa there, said the doctor, “Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there is another one coming.”
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!” said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby,
“No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!” cried the doctor.
The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’em?
Women’s T-Shirt Sayings!
• I’m out of estrogen and I have a gun.
• Guys have feelings, too. But like… who cares?
• I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
• Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
• I hate everybody, and you’re next.
• Please don’t make me kill you.
• And your point is…
• I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.
• I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.
• Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
• Remember my name – you’ll be screaming it later.
• You KNOW you want me.
• Don’t worry. It’ll only seem kinky the first time.
• Of course I don’t look busy. . I did it right the first time.
• Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
• I’m multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
• Do NOT start with me. You won’t win.
• You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
• All stressed out and no one to choke.
• I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.
• How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
• Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.
• If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.
• Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear.
• Don’t make me mad. I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
• Objects Under This Shirt ARE Larger Than They Appear.
Yes, Princess Leia, But Also…
She always did have the best lines
“You contemptible pig! I remained celibate for you. I stood at the back of a cathedral, waiting, in celibacy, for you, with three hundred friends and relatives in attendance. My uncle hired the best Romanian caterers in the state. To obtain the seven limousines for the wedding party, my father used up his last favor with Mad Pete Trullo. So, for me, for my mother, my grandmother, my father, my uncle, and for the common good, I must now kill you, and your brother.”
- Carrie Fisher, “The Blues Brothers” (1980)