Monty Python – Spot the Looney
Happy Birthday Monty Python
Things Not To Say To Your In-Laws At Dinner…Or Anywhere Else
10. Sorry about all the background noise. The black helicopters are flying awfully low these days.
9. Oh my parents? Don’t worry, they won’t be bothering us. I’ve made sure of that. Who wants pie?
8. We keep your photo on the mantelpiece just above the fireplace, to keep the kids away from the fire.
7. The only thing worse than your logic are your manners.
6. A lot of people at your age are having face lifts, have you gave it any thought?
5. Would you care to ask your daughter if she would mow the lawn? I think I’m allergic to grass.
4. Hopefully I’ll be able to get this county jail ankle bracelet off next month.
3. Have you ever had trouble with your libido? Your daughter’s seems to be extremely low.
2. I guess you knew your daughter was bisexual before we got married.
1. I’m quite relieved about my HIV test being negative.
This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio communication between a U.S. NAVY ship and Canadian authorities off the cost of Newfoundland, October 1995. Radio log released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95:
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse . . . Your call.
Top 10 Drug Addicted Cartoon Characters
10. Gargamel (From the Smurfs)
Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?
9. Olive Oyl
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she is always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? What is it, her personality? NOT!
Can’t explain it. Maybe it’s the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.
This is an easy one. I mean c’mon. Roid monkey #1. “BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!” Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects his pet tiger. Can we say “Animal Abuse”?
6.& 5. Yogi and Boo Boo
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip.
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can’t someone slip him an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe. Sort of makes you wonder.
3. Dopey Dwarf
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the other guys are sneaking his stash.
2. Daffy Duck
If he isn’t using crack, Marion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from “daffiness” but Haldol wouldn’t work for him.
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode smokes pot, no if, ands, or, buts about it. And look at the way him and his friends painted that van! Pretty rad design dude.
An Elaborate Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. There wasn’t a dry eye in the audience.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When confronted later, he said, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral…I’m a gynecologist.”
At that point, the proctologist fainted.
What Do You Mean?
What men and women say and what they really mean:
What a woman says, what she really means…
- I need = I want
- We need = I want
- It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
- Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
- We need to talk = I need to complain
- Sure…go ahead = I don’t want you to
- I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
- You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
- You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
- I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
- I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper…
- I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
- Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
- How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really going to hate
- I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
- Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
- Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead
- Yes = No
- No = No
- Maybe = No
- I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
- I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
- Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it
- Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
- I’m not yelling! = Of course I’m yelling, this is important!
What a man says, what he really means…
- I’m hungry = I’m hungry
- I’m tired = I’m tired
- What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?
- Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
- Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn’t even look different!
- I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go!
Don’t Mess With Moms
My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.
Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that’s taught by Mr. Wright?
It’s all about the laws today,
The “Children’s Bill of Rights.”
It says I need not clean my room,
don’t have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don’t have to bow my head,
and I sure don’t have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue and nose.
I can read and watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me,
I’ll charge you with a crime.
I’ll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.
Don’t you ever touch me,
my body’s only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that’s just more child abuse.
Don’t preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That’s nothing more than mind control,
and it’s illegal too!
Mom, I have these children’s rights,
so you can’t influence me,
or I’ll call Children’s Services Division,
better know as C.S.D.
Of course my first instinct was
to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn’t let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he’s messing with a pro.
Next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, “Pick out all you want,
there’s shirts and pants galore.
I’ve called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn’t care,
if I bought you K-Mart shoes,
instead of those Nike Airs.
I’ve cancelled that appointment
to take your driver’s test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned,
so I’ll decide what’s best.”
I said, “No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.
Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We’re having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine.”
He asked, “Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?”
“Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
you’ll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof over your head.
Your clothing won’t be trendy now,
I’ll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.
I’m selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike and roller blades,
Check out the “Parents Bill of Rights,”
It’s in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying,
why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D.?”
Top 15 Signs You Drank Too Much
15- You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping with your Oldsmobile.
14- Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13- Thanks to you, Jack Daniel’s stock is up 25 % since Friday.
12- Keith Richards called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11- For some reason, there’s salt on the rim of your basketball net.
10- Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bee’s pancakes.
9- For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could’ve bought the automobile.
8- You’re now the proud inventor of the “Slim Jim”: Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7- Your answering machine is full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6- Absolute wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5- Yet again, another dry cleaner employee greets you with, “Hey, it’s Vomit Man!”
4- The doorman asks for your ID just to see how long it’ll take you to find your pants.
3- Your liver leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2- Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1- You’re now sober enough to realize “Drink Canada Dry” is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
A young man and an old man are talking.
“Do you see that barn over there?” the old man says. “I built that barn with my own bare hands in just three days. Do they call me McGee the barn builder? No!”
The young man says, “Yes, sir, but…”
“And do you see that bridge over there?” says the old man. “I built that bridge with my own bare hands in just two days. Do they call me McGee the bridge builder? No!”
“Yes I see, but…”
“and I built that house over there in only three days,” the old man continues. “Do they call me McGee the house builder No! But, I screw just one goat……”
Guess the Instructions
Read the 10 to-do instructions and then scroll for the answer – NO CHEATING!
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please… while others are preparing to go.
10. Don’t take extra strokes.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
(From a sign posted at a local golf course restroom)
Why Are Women Cranky?
We start to “bud” in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn’t even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn’t end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it’s off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don’t spend the entire day leaning over Brother John.
Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we’re having Rosemary’s Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze.
When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the shopping, and we’ll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it’s huff and puff and beg to die while the obstetrician says, “Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hear-me-roar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or10) good push,” warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb. bowling ball through a keyhole After that, it’s time to raise those angels only to find that when all that “cute” wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30′s to early 40′s, while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: “The Menopause,” the grandmother of all womanhood. It’s either take the HRT (hormones) and chance cancer in those now seasoned “buds” or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life’s cake:
Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks…
Now I love being a woman, but “Womanhood” would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby.
Women are the “weaker sex”? Yeah right!