Monty Python Crackpot Religions LTD
Somewhere In America
20 Things On A Toddler’s Daily To-Do List
1. Check to see if it’s time to wake up. If not, wake up anyway and immediately tell parents.
2. Stain a shirt or couch cushion.
3. Clean out a toy box and leave it empty.
4. Hide a TV remote control.
5. Find a corner to substitute as a bathroom.
6. Sneak cereal out of the pantry and pour it into a shoe in case of a snack prohibition.
7. Change settings on a phone.
8. Get into a losing argument.
9. Test weight limit of refrigerator shelves by climbing up and down them. Grab juice box if available. Push milk carton to floor if necessary.
10. Take parent for a long walk/run when they are least expecting it.
11. Beg for snacks in 15-minute intervals, even if a snack is in hand.
12. Continue to test theory that everything is attainable if a meltdown is long enough.
13. Wipe nose on a stranger.
14. Check the length of a roll of toilet paper.
15. Make sure all doors are open at all times, including the front door but especially the bathroom doors.
16. Create a wall mural with permanent markers or food.
17. Empty a bathtub of water on the floor like the tub is a sinking ship and/or the bathroom floor is on fire.
18. Throw a yogurt cup, toothbrush and tantrum.
19. Carefully select the sharpest toys and place them where a burglar or anybody walking through the house after 7 p.m. would least expect to step on them.
20. Fight sleep like it’s trying to steal your family.
How It’s Done In Florida
Just when you think there’s no justice…A news article from a Florida Newspaper:
“When Nathan Radlich’s house was burgled, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and even left his watch. What they did take was “a generic white cardboard box filled with grayish white powder.” (That at least is the way the police described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, “that it looked similar to cocaine and they’d probably thought they’d hit the big time.”
Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.”
Well, the next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan’s doorstep. The cardboard box was there, too; about half of Gertrude’s ashes remained. And there was this note. It said: “Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day.”
Are you Over the Hill?
You may be headed that way if . . .
• At the breakfast table, you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.
• Your back goes out but you stay home.
• You wake up looking like your driver’s license photo.
• It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
• When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
• When happy hour is a nap.
• When you’re on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
• When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
• When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
• When you step off the curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
• Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
• It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
• Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
• Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
• You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
• The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
• Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.
• The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
• It takes twice as long – to looks half as good.
• Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
• You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
• You sink your teeth into a steak…and they stay there.
• You give up all your bad habits and still don’t feel good.
• You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don’t care anymore.
• You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
• You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.
This is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day
1 Slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 chocolate biscuit
The rest of the biscuits in the packet
1 tub of Rocky Road Ice Cream with Choc-Ice Topping
1 jar Nutella
4 bottles of red wine
2 loaves Garlic Bread
1 family size Supreme Pizza
3 Snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
Why Men Are Just Happier People
• Your last name stays put
• The garage is all yours
• Wedding plans take care of themselves
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park
• You can wear “no” T-shirt to a water park
• Car mechanics tell you the truth
• You never have to drive to another gas station because this one is just too icky
• Wrinkles add character
• Wedding dress $5000; Tux rental $100
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
• New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet
• One mood – all the time
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat
• You know stuff about tanks
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase
• You can open all your own jars
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough
• You almost never have strap problems in public
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes
• Everything on your face stays its original color
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades
• You only have to shave your face and neck
• You can play with toys all your life
• Your belly usually hides your big hips
• One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look
• You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes!
Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat.
Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words “Putrid,” “hORRId,” and “sluDGE.”
Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.
Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
Baste: Who’s on first?
Western Omelet: Three eggs…and whatever.
Pan Fried: Much more sensible than “pan baked “.
Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
Darwin Awards – Chute Boy
The Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it.
It was a dare that Sheldon, 25, will literally never take again. He and a group of friends found themselves at a Calgary apartment after an evening spent at a local bar. It was there that a joking challenge was issued. “Who wants to ride the in-house water slide?” The slide was actually a garbage chute.
Sheldon volunteered, tumbled into the opening, and his subsequent headlong slide beat the standard elevator service down to the first floor. An unforgiving trash compactor awaited his arrival, and friends administered CPR there until emergency crews arrived at the scene. But they were too late.
The 12-story fall had already dispatched Sheldon to his Darwinian demise.
Nursery Rhymes For Big Kids
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little b@$#ard.
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill,
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
“What have you got there?”
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
“Pies, you dumb #$%!”
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings’ horses,
And all the kings’ men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad……..
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
Let’s suppose your supervisor notices items on your screen not related to your normal work duties. If you plan a logical sounding “explanation” in advance, chances are you’ll be free to do your own thing for as long as you want.
If you’re caught copying software for home use, say…
“I’m just backing-up my hard drive.”
If you’re caught getting Stock Market updates, say…
“I was curious how market swings affect our organization.”
If you’re caught on one of the many “job” web sites, say…
“I’m analyzing the job market to compare our pay scales.”
If you’re caught checking out on-line auctions, say…
“I’m seeing if we can save money on supplies.”
If you’re caught doing personal e-mail, say…
“I’m requesting a friend’s help for a work-related problem.”
If you’re caught checking prices on a PC vendors site, say…
“I’m seeing if new technology can improve my production.”
If you’re caught working on your resume, say…
“I’m doing a typical background check for my desk manual.”
If you’re caught viewing some “Babe of the Day”, say…
“I’m resetting the pixels for screen clarity.”
If you’re caught making invitations for a party, say…
“I’m familiarizing myself with some new software.”
If you’re caught viewing Super Models, say…
“I was wondering if we need a dress code for the Office.”
If you’re caught playing some inane screen game, say…
“I’m experimenting with some new mouse settings.”
If you’re caught checking-out link sites, say…
“I was curious how our organization was listed on the Web.”
If you’re caught on a porn site, say…
“I’m experimenting with a new porno blocker for the Office.”
If you’re caught checking football scores, say…
“I’m just trying to keep the Office Football Pool honest.”
If you’re caught downloading software, say…
“I’m applying to be a Beta Tester for our company.”
If you’re caught working on your Web Site, say…
“I’m trying to improve our exposure on the Web.”
If you’re caught in chat room, say…
“I’m comparing notes with peers in like positions.”
If you’re caught surfing, say…
“I’m attempting to find new resources for my work.”
If you’re caught reading/sending jokes, say…
“I’m obtaining new material for the next Staff Meeting.”
Adult Food Groups
In reviewing food groups, it has become apparent that appropriate food groups change with age. The adult food groups have now been defined as:
Which, by the way, makes an Irish Coffee the perfect breakfast!