Sorry for the late email and no pictures, I’m having serious computer issues
Employees Have Had Enough With Problematic CEO’s!
New Office Manager – Big Train – BBC Comedy
One Liners For Lawyers
Q. What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A. A tick falls off of you when you die.
Q. What do you have when 100 Lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A Doberman.
Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, They cannot be recalled. When they land, they mess up everything forever.
Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A. They had pictures of lawyers on them … and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.
Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A. Skeet.
Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bicycle.
Q. It was so cold last winter … (How cold was it?) …
A. It was SO cold … that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates. “$50.00 for three questions”, replied the lawyer. “Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man. “Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”
Q. You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A. Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
And You Can’t Correct Her Either
My wife just farted so loud she woke herself up, then turned over hit me and called me disgusting.
This is what love after 18 years of marriage is like boys.
One Liners For Lawyers
Pranks Pulled In The Office….
When two (ore more) people are working at desks that are put next to each other, switch their telephone cords. With all those cables lying around it will take some time before they find that one out!
Put a piece of onion or a clove of garlic inside the mouthpiece of a phone. Give it some time for it to fester and build up a strong odor. Then call them.
It is always a good habit to lock your computer before heading off for coffee or a smoke. When someone forgets and leaves a Word document or an email open, type a single word somewhere in the text. “f–k” or so will do nicely. They’ll never notice and send it out.
Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker’s computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into a frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word “the” with the phrase “you suck!”. They will usually panic and start scanning for viruses.
Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc., before they realize what has happened.
Another gem is to do a “Print Screen” of the user’s desktop, and then paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the image as a bitmap. Then, set the ‘snapshot’ of their desktop as the actual desktop wallpaper. (You’ll have to hide the Windows status bar, and move all their desktop icons into a folder, which you can hide conspicuously in the corner or something.) The user will see their desktop as always, but everything on it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on it…sending them into a rebooting and virus scanning fit!
This will mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge. Stick in a floppy in there floppy drive. They will be unable to boot up windows until the disk is out. This is fun to watch.
Try to find a very obnoxious CD laying around. Preferably a reggae or rap CD. Pop it in their CD ROM. Put up the sound full blast by double clicking on the volume control on the bottom right. On normal configurations the audio CD will auto play when windows first starts up. The person starting up there PC in the morning will definitely be embarrassed.
This is for that special person you just can’t stand in the office, the one who talks on the phone all day with their boyfriend/girlfriend and gets personal e-mail all day. Go into their e-mail and change their defaults to automatically “blind carbon copy” their boss or supervisor. Heads will roll!
Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decafe. Wait about three weeks (or until you think everybody has gotten over their caffeine addiction) and switch to espresso!
Try “password securing” someone’s screen saver. First I suggest changing the screen saver to “scrolling marquee” and inserting your own word or phrase, “Mr. Jones (president or supervisor) eats S–T” or something to that effect.
This one is so simple to do and yields such nice results. Simply pop out the ‘m’ and ‘n’ key on someone’s keyboard and reverse the two. Any flat tool will work. Just pry it with little pressure and they will easily come right off. Then just sit back and watch the confusion.
With someone who is on the phone a lot during work – This works if you have phones that the handset comes apart. Take the handset apart and put scotch tape over the mouthpiece inside. They can still be heard, but they have to talk loud to be heard. The next day take it off, and put it in the earpiece. Usually they will be yelling to the other person on the line the next day, and won’t be able to hear them. When they complain about the phone, and get a replacement, do it on the next phone. After about a week you will notice the calls to be down considerably.
Depending where you are at you may have a cafeteria in you place of work. Every week most of them put out a menu so you know what they are serving. Usually it is done on Word or Excel, and not extremely fancy. With a little work, matching fonts, and images you can make your own menus, and post them by your desk. We had one co-worker avoid the cafeteria for 2 weeks because of the selection “fish head stew” etc… before he caught on. Works great with picky eaters.
Gee I Wonder What They Were Really Calling About
Had a phone call yesterday with a very polite young lady from “somewhere far, far away.”
Here’s how it went:
“Good afternoon, madam, how are you today?”
“I’m very well, thanks for asking. How are you and -more importantly – who are you?”
“Madam my name is Priya, and I’m calling you from Tech Solutions International.”
“‘Micro Softich? Is that a town in… Romania?”
“No, sir — MicroSoftich, the computer company. I’m calling to tell you we have found a problem with your computer.”
“Well, that is concerning.”
“Yes, madam, it could be very serious, but thankfully I can fix it for you.”
“No, I mean it’s concerning because… I don’t HAVE a computer.”
“You… don’t?”
“Nope.”
“Ahh, then it must be an issue with your laptop, sir.”
“I don’t have one.”
“iPad?”
“Nope.”
“Tablet?”
“I have none of those things. In fact… I don’t even own a telephone.”
Long pause…
“Madam… now you are lying to me!”
I said, “Well, you freakin’ started it!!”
Products We Could Do Without
Fingernail Clippers: That’s why we have teeth.
Makeup That Is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you’re fifty?
Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn’t make your mouth stand out enough.
Inflatable Furniture: Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.
Crayons With a Fragrance: Oh, good, let’s give kids another reason to eat them.
Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn’t be able to braid your eyelashes.
The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.
Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.
Rubber Clothing: Because you shouldn’t bounce if you fall down the stairs.
Doggie Sweaters: Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.
Thong underwear: Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.
I’m Sure That’s Not What It Means
A motorcycle officer stopped a man who had run a red light. The guy was a real jerk, yelling, “Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!”
The officer calmly explained the violation, but the man exploded into a tirade, insulting the officer’s ancestry and orientation in every way imaginable.
The officer stayed calm. When he finished writing the ticket, he scribbled “AH” in the corner and handed it over.
The man snapped, “What does AH mean?!”
The officer looked him straight in the eyes and said, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember you were aggressive and hostile.” Then he walked away.
Because the man already had a terrible driving record and risked losing his license, he hired a hot-shot attorney. In court, the attorney asked:
“Officer, is there any unusual marking on this citation?”
“Yes, sir. At the bottom there’s an underlined ‘AH.’”
“And what does ‘AH’ stand for?”
“Aggressive and hostile, sir.”
The attorney smirked. “Are you sure it doesn’t stand for A$$hole?”
The officer grinned, “Well, sir… you know your client better than I do.”
Quotes from 11 Year-Olds Science Exams
* “Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”
* “Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.”
* “When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.”
* “H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”
* “Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.”
* “Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”
* “Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”
* “The body consists of three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o and u.”
* “Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.”
* “Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”
* “The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.”
* “The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”
* “Equator: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”
* “Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”
* “To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.”
* “To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.”
It All Depends On Where You Live
You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home.
The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.
By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered “mentally unstable.
BUT…
In Michigan, he’d be called “The last white guy still living in Detroit.”
In Arizona, he’d be called “An avid gun collector.
In Arkansas, he’d be called “A novice gun collector.”
In Utah, he’d be called “Moderately well prepared,” but they’d probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
In Kansas, he’d be “A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend.”
In Montana, he’d be called “The neighborhood ‘Go-To’ guy.”
In Idaho, he’d be called “A likely gubernatorial candidate.”
In Georgia, he’d be called “An eligible bachelor.”
In North Carolina, Virginia, WV, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky, South Carolina and Minnesota he would be called “a deer hunting buddy.”
AND, OF COURSE,
In Texas, he’d just be “A guy who’s a little short on Ammo.”
The Laws of Life
Murphy’s First Law for Wives:
If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
Kauffman’s Paradox of the Corporation:
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
The Salary Axiom:
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Miller’s Law of Insurance:
Insurance covers everything except what happens.
First Law of Living:
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you’ll want to be doing something else.
Weiner’s Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross-references.
Isaac’s Strange Rule of Staleness:
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
The Grocery Bag Law:
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is always hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
Lampner’s Law of Employment:
When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
So A Newspaper Asked Victorian Women Why They Were “Spinsters.”
Each and every response is solid 24 karat gold.
Because I have other professions open to me Which the hours are shorter, the week more agreeable, and the pay possibly better.
Because matrimony is like an electric battery, when you once join hands, you can’t let it go however much it hurts, and, as when embarked on a toboggan slide, you must go to the bitter end, however much it bumps.
Because I do not care to enlarge my menagerie of pets, and I find the animal man less docile than a dog, legs affectionate than a cat, and less amusing than a monkey.
