Friday Fun Stuff – 4-1-22

April Fools’ Day – Last Week Tonight with John Oliver

April Fools – Math Class Internet Connection Error

You Know Its Going To Be A Bad Day When…

• You wake up face down on the pavement.
• You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
• You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
• Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
• You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren’t any.
• You turn on the news and they are showing escape routes out of the city.
• Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
• You wake up to realize your waterbed broke and then discover you don’t have a waterbed.
• Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.
• You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
• You put both contacts in one eye.
• Your income tax check bounces.
That last one actually happened in California

Exercise For People Over 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-1b potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a fill minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-1b potato bags. try 50-1b potato bags and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-1b potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a fill minute. (I’m at this level).

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

It’s Not Difficult

To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly.
45. Love shopping.
46. Be honest.
47. Be very rich.
48. Not stress her out.
49. Not look at other girls.

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself.
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself.
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.

53. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT to never forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Feed Him.
2. Fuck Him.
3. Shut The Fuck Up.

Just Make The Horse Laugh Or Cry

A guy walks into a bar, sees a horse in the corner asks the bartender “what’s up with the horse?”

Bartender says “If you can make the horse laugh and cry you can drink all night for free”.

Guy says, “Ok I’ll do it.”

Bartender says “Good luck, nobody has been able to make the horse laugh and cry ever”

Guy walks up to the horse has his back turned to the bar and whispers in the horse’s ear, and the horse starts laughing so bad he carries on for about 5 min. Next, he says something else to the horse and the horse starts crying like a baby.

Guy turns around and the bartender is dumbfounded “I give up how you do that?”

The guy has a big smile and tells the bartender “First I told him my di(k was bigger than his, then I showed him”

More Ways To Annoy People

1. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
2. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
3. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each “a.”
4. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
5. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
6. Wear a LOT of cologne.
7. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
8. Sing along at the opera.
9. Mow your lawn with scissors.
10. At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”
11. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
13. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture.”
14. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
15. Never make eye contact.
16. Never break eye contact.
17. Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.

Smart Old Man

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “l didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

Some old men can still think really fast.

Top Ten Bad Things About Having A Time Share With Darth Vader

10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren’t his.

9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.

8. He’s always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.

7. Claims he paid you the rent “a long, long, time ago.”

6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing “Darth Brooks” routine.

5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.

4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.

3. You feel like an idiot saying, “No, Darth isn’t here. He’s on the ice planet Hoth.”

2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.

1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.

The First Day Of School

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager’s daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

“Is it wine?” she guessed.

“No,” the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, “Champagne?”

“No,” said the little boy………….”It’s a puppy!”

What Can You Say During Sex And Also At A Drive Thru?

Can I have a Whopper?
That guy behind is right up my ass
Oh, just a small?
Nice buns
Yes, I would like to supersize that
I need more topping
Pull round to the next window
Slow service
I can’t reach it
Let me grab it
Oh no, I dropped it
Let me clean that up
Want me to turn around?
I’ve been waiting all day for this
Come on, there’s someone behind me!
I always want it to start with but then I feel disgusting afterwards
Er, I wanted double sausage in my muffin?
It looks nothing like the picture. What a disappointment.
Hmm six is never enough but nine feels like it would too many
Do you accept credit cards?
That was fast
Thank you come again
How much?!?

The Great Debate Of 1504

Shortly after the turn to the 16th Century, Pope Julus II decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave.

The Jewish congregation in Rome met and picked the esteemed Rabbi Moses Horowitz to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a ‘silent’ debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and confessed that the Rabbi was far too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move, and I could not continue!”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. “I honestly don’t have a clue!!!” the Rabbi said. “First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here.” “And then what?” asked a woman. “Who knows!!” said the Rabbi. “He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!”

Even All Those Diamonds Couldn’t Help