Honest College Ad
Actual Notes On Hospital Charts Written By Doctors:
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
• Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused autopsy.
• The patient has no previous history of suicides.
• Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
• Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
• Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
• The skin was moist and dry.
• Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
• Skin: somewhat pale but present.
• Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
• Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
• Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Afraid of a Little Dihydrogen Monoxide?
A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide.”
And for plenty of good reasons, since:
1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
Forty-three (43) said yes,
Six (6) were undecided,
and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.
The title of his prize winning project was, “How Gullible Are We?”
He feels the conclusion is obvious.
As Time Goes By – A Brief History Lesson
3050 B.C. – A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.
525 B.C. – The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don’t try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women’s shot put.
214 B.C. – Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn’t keep the neighbor’s dog out.
1 B.C. – Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.
1297- The world’s first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or GE.
1456 – An English judge reviews Joan of Arc’s case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.
1607 – The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as “John Smith”.
1755 – Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.
1770 – The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, 3 shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Sat. Night.
1805 – Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.
1807 – Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.
1865 – Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee’s surrender.
1912 – People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.
1934 – As if the Great Depression weren’t giving business enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.
Attention Children – The Bathroom Door Is Closed!
Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.
Wait until I get out.
Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I am not trapped.
I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there, but it’s been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.
Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.
Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
Do not go running back to the phone yelling “She’s in the BATHROOM!”
Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two.
Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.
If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.
And yes, I still love you.
Top Dozen Signs Your Car Needs Cleaning
12. Your beautiful new VW Beetle is constantly being mistaken for the Oscar Meyer Turdmobile.
11. Greenpeace won’t let you move the car for fear of displacing some dung beetles that have taken up residence.
10. Neighborhood kids offer: “Mow your Volvo, sir?”
9. Your pine tree air freshener is now a protected old growth forest.
8. Satellite photos reveal crop circles on your roof.
7. “Wash Me” appears on your trunk — chiseled with a jackhammer.
6. Impossible to drive with the kids always clamoring to have a look through the periscope.
5. Your “cell phone antenna” is really a sapling which took root.
4. Visits to the farm always result in pigs humping your tires.
3. Kids write “PLOW ME!” on your trunk.
2. When you blow the horn, prairie dogs pop up from the hood.
1. That rank smell coming from under all those McDonalds bags? The missing baby!
How Computers Are Like…
1) In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3) They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
4) As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
5) They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
1) No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2) The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3) Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
5) You do the same thing for years and suddenly it’s wrong.
“Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling.”
– Gabrielle Reece
“I just found out that I’m one inch taller than I thought.”
– Christie Brinkley
“My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, ‘What if she’s ugly? You’re ugly.’”
– Beverly Johnson
ON THE BASICS
“It’s very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it’s not inspiring for your workout.”
– Cheryl Tiegs
“I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able to meet yourself — it’s eerie.”
– Christy Turlington
“The soundtrack to ‘Indecent Exposure’ is a romantic mix of music that I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are nearby.”
“Sometimes I get lonely, but it’s nice to be alone.”
– Tatjana Patitz
ON THE CONSERVATION OF MATTER
“I’ve looked in the mirror every day for 20 years. It’s the same face.”
– Claudia Schiffer
Red Skelton’s Recipe For The Perfect Marriage
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere….. but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t
been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me “In the lake.”
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said “No, jump in!”
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked “What’s on the TV?” I said “Dust!”
• If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
• The Earth Is Full — Go Home
• This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening to Me
• Cleverly Disguised as a Responsible Adult
• The Face Is Familiar But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name
• Illiterate? Write For Help
• Honk If Anything Falls Off
• He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From the Next Exit
• Where Are We Going and Why Am I In The Trunk?
• It’s Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
• I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
• Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed for 70mph.
• Boldly Going Nowhere
• Heart Attacks… God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
• How Many Roads Must a Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
Fighter Aircraft Ownership Survey
This was actually posted very briefly on the Lockheed Martin web site by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not (have a
sense of humor), and made the web department take it down immediately. (In case you don’t know: Lockheed Martin is one of the world’s chief suppliers of military aircraft.)
Thank you for purchasing a Lockheed Martin military aircraft.
In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_]Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
Password: ………………………… (max 8 char)
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ……….. ……….. ……….
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19……. / ……./……
4. Serial Number:…………………………………………
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift [_] Aid package [_] Catalog showroom [_] Independent arms broker [_] Mail order [_] Discount store [_] Government surplus [_] Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the Lockheed Martin product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display [_] Espionage [_] Recommended by friend/relative/ally [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this Lockheed Martin product:
[_] Style/Appearance [_] Speed/Maneuverability [_] Price/Value [_] Comfort/Convenience [_] Kickback/Bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson [_]Lockheed Martin reputation [_] Advanced Weapons Systems [_] Backroom politics [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America [_] Iraq [_] Central/South America [_] Iraq [_] Aircraft carrier [_] Iraq [_] Europe [_] Iraq [_] Middle East (not Iraq) [_] Iraq [_] Africa [_] Iraq [_] Asia/Far East [_] Iraq [_] Misc. Third World countries [_] Iraq [_] Classified [_] Iraq
9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV [_] VCR [_] ICBM [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD Player [_] Air-to-Air Missiles [_] Space Shuttle [_] Home Computer [_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?
(Check all that apply.)
[_] Communist/Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral [_] Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive/Tribal
11. How did you pay for your Lockheed Martin product?
[_] Deficit spending [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_] Personal check [_] Credit card [_] Ransom money [_] Traveler’s check
12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker [_] Sales/Marketing [_] Revolutionary [_] Clerical [_] Mercenary [_] Tyrant [_] Postal Worker [_] Middle management [_] Eccentric billionaire [_] Defense Minister/General [_] Retired [_] Student
13. To help us understand our customers’ lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf [_] Boating/Sailing [_] Sabotage [_] Running/Jogging [_] Propaganda/Disinformation [_] Destabilization/Overthrow [_] Default on loans [_]Gardening [_] Crafts [_] Black market/Smuggling [_] Collectibles/Collections [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Wines [_] Interrogation/Torture [_] Household pets [_] Crushing rebellions [_] Espionage/Reconnaissance [_] Fashion clothing [_] Border disputes [_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help Lockheed Martin serve you better in the future — as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
LOCKHEED MARTIN CORPORATION Marketing Department Military Aerospace Division