Can You Imagine A World Without Apps?
5 Deadly Terms Used By Woman
• Fine: This is a word women use to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to shut up.
• Nothing: Means something and you need to be worried.
• Go ahead: This is not a dare, not permission, do not do it.
• Whatever: A woman’s way of saying “Screw you!”
• That’s ok: She is thinking long hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake.
• Bonus Word: Wow!: This is not a compliment. She’s amazed that one person could be so stupid.
Fun Fact
Humans are deuterostome’s, which means that when they develop in the womb the anus forms before any other opening. Which basically means at one point you were nothing but an asshole.
Some people never develop beyond this stage.
Hilarious Quotes
• “Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire. That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.” —Victor Borge
• “First, the doctor told me the good news. He said that I was going to have a disease named after me.” —Steve Martin
• “Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.” —Quentin Crisp
• “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” —Oscar Wilde
• “In Denver, the members of a Sunday school class were asked to set down their favorite biblical truths. One youngster laboriously printed, ‘Do one to others as others do one to you.’” —Lee Olson, The Denver Post
• “One of the oddities of Wall Street is that it is the dealer and not the customer who is called broker.” —Dallas News
• “I wish I had enough money to buy an elephant,” a woman told her husband. “What on earth do you need an elephant for?” he asked. “I don’t,” she replied. “I just need the money.” —Sam Levenson
• “It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, ‘Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don’t lean back in your chair.’ Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along.” —Erma Bombeck
Heaven & Hell
Heaven is where:
the police are British,
the chefs Italian,
the mechanics German,
the lovers French,
and it is all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where:
the police are German,
the chefs British,
the mechanics French,
the lovers Swiss,
and it is all organized by the Italians.
What To Say When Someone Asks, How Are You?
• If I had a tail, I’d wag it.
• My lawyer told me not to answer that question.
• It depends on what or who I compare myself to.
• I plead the fifth.
• Upright and sucking air.
• Somewhere between blah and meh.
• Physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Financially?
• Things could be worse. I could be you.
• Still alive.
• Why do you ask? Are you a doctor? Because I have this thing on my butt cheek.
• Good, but I’ll get over it.
• How am I doing what?
• Wow! It’s been years since someone asked me that.
• Seems like you have something to brag about.
• I’ve slipped into the 7th circle of hell, and you?
• Don’t ask because it’s too early to tell.
• Slowly but surely dying.
• Different day, same existence.
• There’s still time for things to go horribly wrong.
If Homophobia Were A Conversation About Food
Homophobic Person: My favorite food is pizza!
Homosexual Person: Cool! My favorite food is pasta!
Bisexual Person: I like both!
Pansexual Person: Hey guys, I don’t have a favorite! I’ll pretty much eat what tastes good to me.
Asexual Person: I like the way food looks and smells more than the way it tastes.
Homophobic Person: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU DISGUSTING PEOPLE WHY ISN’T PIZZA YOUR FAVORITE FOOD?!?! YOU’RE GOING TO HELL.
Reasons Why I’ve Been Asked To Leave Class
• I said that the government was a bunch of dickheads, and we should all just set the white house on fire and kept calling students who tried to defend the government “dick heads in training”
• Brought 6 whole pizzas in their boxes to class and was blocking the view of students
• I kept sneezing during a lecture
• Got really mad at some guy who wouldn’t shut the hell up behind me and was flirting with some girl so I told him to shut the fu(k up and she doesn’t want to suck your dick and to take his frat boy ass and move.
• Was signing dirty words and funny shit to my deaf friend and making him laugh. But because he’s deaf he didn’t realize how loud he was being, so we both got asked to leave.
• Poured water on some kids test after I was done with mine because I saw him copying off me the whole time.
• Kept cussing too much during a Socratic seminar about censorship to prove a point, and when they got mad at me I said “You trying to censor my words?”
• I made a toast
• I had a dog in my backpack and said that I had to take him to the vet after class and didn’t have time to run home and get him because he puked on the floor. Which is why he had to go to the vet.
Pa Won’t Like It
A farm boy accidentally overturned his tractor one day.
The farmer who lived on the next farm heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Joe, don’t worry about it. Come in and have something to eat with us. I’ll help you get the tractor up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” Joe replied, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”
“Aw come on boy.” the farmer insisted.
“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but Pa won’t like it.”
After a hearty dinner, Joe thanked the neighbor for his hospitality and said, “I feel much better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”
“Don’t be silly!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”
Joe said, “Under the tractor.”
Things Only a Mom Can Teach
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION….
“Just wait until your father gets home!”
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING….
“You are going to get it when we get home!”
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you … Don’t talk back to me!”
My Mother taught me LOGIC …
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
My Mother taught me MEDICINE….
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, you’re going to freeze that way.”
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD …
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.”
My Mother taught me about ESP…
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold.”
My Mother taught me HUMOR …
“When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
My Mother taught me about SEX…
“How do you think you got here?”
My Mother taught me about GENETICS….
“You’re just like your father!”
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS….
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My Mother taught me about the WISDOM OF AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
And my all time favorite … JUSTICE….
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you….then you’ll see what it’s like.”
Very Strong Willpower
I was offered sex with a 21 year old woman today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.
Of course, I declined because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.
Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
| Unfortunately Very True |
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| Fun For The Whole Family |
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| Happy Meal My Ass! |
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| Can I Find These At The ASPCA? |
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| Why Didn’t I Think Of That? |
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| Someone’s Going To Have A Bad Morning |
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| Yep, That’s Basically Fatherhood |
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| What Do You See |
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| You Can Do Better |
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| There’s Always Someone Dirtier Then You |
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