If Google Was a Guy Quarantine Edition
Tips On Dieting
1. If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. e.g. hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel. e.g. milk duds, buttered popcorn, junior mints and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. e.g. peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon.
10. Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of “Kotex Tips for Life” on it. Annoying advice such as:
- Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
- Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
- Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
- Try Kotex blah blah blah other products.
Obviously the person behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning pair of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman TO HER FACE that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. See what happens and report back. I’ll wait here.
While you’re at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I guaran-damn-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.
Look, females don’t need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing “helpful” crap like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, most containing alcohol.
Printing out shit advice while sneaking in ads for the brand THAT WAS ALREADY PURCHASED is just plain annoying, not to mention rude and enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.
Mostly we’d like to forget that we even need these products. It’s not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging.
Put the shit in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.
There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the damn store. The ultimate goal of your product should be functional invisibility at every stage, including the point of purchase.
So take your tips for living and shove them right up your ass.
(Try drinking six to eight glasses of water to make you feel fresher while you’re doing it!)
Proof That Even Smart People Can Be Stupid
“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.”
–Western Union internal memo, 1876.
“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.”
–Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.”
–Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
“640K ought to be enough for anybody.”
– Bill Gates, 1981
“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.”
–The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
“But what is it good for?”
–Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.”
–Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?”
–David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.”
–A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
(Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?”
–H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.”
–Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”
“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.”
–Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.”
–Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
“So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.’”
–Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.
“Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.”
–1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work.
“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy.”
–Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
“Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.”
–Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
“Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction”.
–Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
“Everything that can be invented has been invented.”
–Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
What Guys Really Mean…
‘I’m going fishing.’
Really means… ‘I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.’
‘It’s a guy thing.’
Really means…. ‘There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.’
‘Can I help with dinner?’
Really means… ‘Why isn’t it already on the table?’
‘Uh huh,’ ‘Sure, honey,’ or ‘Yes, dear.’
Really means… Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
‘It would take too long to explain.’
Really means… ‘I have no idea how it works.’
‘I’m getting more exercise lately.’
Really means… ‘The batteries in the remote are dead.’
‘We’re going to be late.’
Really means… ‘Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.’
‘Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.’
Really means….’I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.’
‘That’s interesting, dear.’
Really means… ‘Are you still talking?’
‘Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.’
Really means… ‘I forgot our anniversary again.’
‘You expect too much of me.’
Really means… ‘You want me to stay awake?’
‘That’s women’s work.’
Really means… ‘It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.’
Paybacks Are Hell!!!
This letter was sent to the School Principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.
Dear Lions Bay School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fu(k off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
G-d bless you all.
Hopefully you’ve never had these used on you, but this is a list of excuses to use if that “special” someone asks you out and you don’t know how to say no. If someone gives you one of these excuses, it is very likely that they have absolutely no interest in going out with you.
1. It’s against my religion to date people named (insert relevant name)
2. I’m getting married tonight
3. I’m engaged
4. I don’t want to ruin our friendship
5. I have family in town
6. I just washed my hair
7. It’s that time of the month again
8. My father’s grandmother’s aunt’s mother died
9. I left my tolerance in another coat
10. I just got back together with my ex
11. I don’t like people
12. I might see someone who knows me
13. I would, but it would be a complete waste of make-up
14. My pet snake is constipated again
15. I have a phobia of people named (insert name here)
16. I just got sick (right after you asked me out)
17. I never said I’d go out with you, that was my evil twin
18. I would go out with you but my waiting list is full
19. There’s a four hour TV special on trimming shrubbery
20. I’m too busy watching the paint dry
21. You are extremely unattractive Sorry, someone had to tell you
22. I’m gay
23. I don’t like you
24. I have to go to the dentist
25. I must go in search of my charms which were stolen by an angry leprechaun
26. My water wings are flat
27. I’m not into dating right now
28. I’m teaching my goldfish how to play the electric guitar
29. I’m teaching my dog to meow
30. I like you, but my friends said I can’t go out with you
31. I like your best friend
32. I just found out we’re related
33. On my list of things to do, seeing you is at the bottom
Resume Bloopers From Robert Half:
(These are real examples from real resumes)
–Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
–Responsibility makes me nervous.
–They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
–Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
–I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
–The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.
–While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
–I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
–Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
–My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
–I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.
–Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
–Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
–Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
–Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.
–Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
–I’m a rabid typist.
–Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation
Rules For Cheating Or Not!
Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.
1. Oral sex does not count.
2. If you can’t remember the person’s name the following day, doesn’t count.
3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex, doesn’t count.
4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn’t count.
5. Sex with a friend, doesn’t count, it’s just another thing you share.
6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking “did I shave my legs for this”, doesn’t count.
7. An old flame, doesn’t count.
8. An ex-spouse, doesn’t count ,refer to this as a “pity fuck”.
9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex…not cheating.
10. Cyber-sex – NO WAY – this is glorified masturbation.
11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex.
12. Kissing body parts is not cheating.
13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other.
14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn’t count.
15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other, doesn’t count, this should be referred to as “a skeleton in the family closet “…not cheating.
16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn’t count (why should it, it was public right?).
17. Phone sex, doesn’t count, refer back to “glorified masturbation”.
18. In car, doesn’t count, way to cramped. If vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way to kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1.
19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn’t count.
20. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn’t count, this should be considered “getting acquainted”.
21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn’t count (not considered to be intimate)…not cheating.
22. Any act in which “you do all the work”, doesn’t count.
23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn’t count, this should be referred to as “being neighborly”.
24. Any act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other doesn’t count.
25. Any act with your boss, doesn’t count, just considered career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.
NOTE: sex does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results from any of these rules!
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
“Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”
The survey was a massive failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.
3. In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.
4. In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.
6. In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.
7. In the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.
8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
“Of course, ‘Romeo and Gertrude’ is just a working title. I might be persuaded to change it for you, M’ Lady.”
“Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?”
“If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?”
“Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?”
“My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent.”
“Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I’d spend the evening with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean.”
“Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?”
“Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I’m merely happy to cast eyes upon thy beauty!”
“Wouldst thou away to yon Motel 6 with me?”
“Do me, or not do me. THAT is the question.”