Mosquito Hunters – Monty Python
If Educational Kids Shows Were Honest – Cracked for Kids!
Top 10 Reasons Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen
10. They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or run out of gas.
9. Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
8. It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
7. It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.
6. The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
5. They’re too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver’s side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.
4. The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you’re being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren’t cracked and covered with duct tape.
3. Top speed is only about 45 mph.
2. Who wants a truck that needs a year’s worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in body work, taillights, and windshield.
l. It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.
A Monkey Is Sitting In A Tree, Smoking A Joint…
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was
so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out.
He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”
The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE…how much water did you drink?”
Business Classified Definitions
CLICK TO E-MAIL ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION: You’ll be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY: You’ll be making under $7 an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN: Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENING: The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT: We have a lot of turnover.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED: Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
CAREER-MINDED: Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON: If you’re old, fat, or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you’re fired.
Beer Or Plane?
Lady: Do you drink beer?
Lady: How many per day?
Lady: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5 each including tip.
Lady: How long have you been drinking.
Man: About 20 years.
Lady: 3 beers a day equates to $450 per month or $5,400 per year. In 20 years, that’s $108,OOO
Man: Sounds correct.
Lady: Did you know that if you put that money in a savings account, that after interest, you would have had enough money to buy a plane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Man: Where’s your fucking plane?
Darwin and NASCAR do not mix.
-Eric von Haessler of The Regular Guys, a NASCAR fan
It helps if the hitter thinks you’re a little crazy.
It’s not premarital se x if you don’t plan to get married.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t.
-a T-shirt at ThinkGeek.com
Being intelligent is not a felony. But most societies evaluate it as at least a misdemeanor.
-Robert A. Heinlein
The supreme irony of life is that no one gets out of it alive.
-Robert A. Heinlein
-Douglas MacArthur’s axiom that all military disasters are explained by two words
I like vengeance as much as the next guy, if the next guy likes vengeance a whole lot….
Common sense is not so common.
Wouldn’t it be interesting to have an occasional zebra in a horse race?
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
How do you delete the Recycle Bin?
-Adam Schroeder, posing the great philosophical question of the 21st century, a modern conundrum to rival the old Buddhist question, “What’s the sound of one hand clapping?”
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
Now, I ain’t sayin’ he should have killed her…but I understand.
-Chris Rock, on O.J.
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
Oral se x should be an Olympic sport. Why? Because it’s harder than curling, and if you’re any good at it, you deserve a medal.
If you can’t answer a man’s argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
…each new generation born is in effect an invasion of civilization by little barbarians, who must be civilized before it is too late.
Make love, not war.
Do both, get married.
But my point is that competitive eating is a real sport, and I considered taking it up. But when I thought about what this would mean—sitting around for hours, stuffing my face with unhealthy food—I realized it was basically the same thing as journalism.
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
Have you ever wondered why it takes a bride months and months to plan a wedding, but a good funeral can be pulled together in two days? The elements are all the same—church, minister, music, flowers, guests, food.
-alert reader Lori Rispoli, in a letter to Dave Barry
Writing a book is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement; then it becomes a mistress, and then it becomes a master, and then a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster, and fling him out to the public.
He’s [Stu Miller] got a fastball you could catch in your teeth. Three pitch speeds: slow, slower, and reverse.
-Coach Jim Murray
A man goes to hell.
The devil greets him and says, “you have to pick your torture, pick wisely because this will be your torture for eternity”.
The man goes through hundreds of rooms but can’t decide, until he sees a room where a man is sitting on a couch, watching football on tv and getting a blowjob from a cheerleader. The man says, “this is what I want to do for eternity!!”
The Devil says, “Are you sure?”
The man screams “Hell Yes!”.
The devil goes up to the cheerleader and says, “You can stop now, I found someone to replace you”.
More Of Men Vs Women
LOW BLOWS: Let’s say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the figures is felled by a low blow. The woman says, “Oh gee, that must hurt.” The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.
DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, “Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there.” and, “I know I’m in the general neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store.”
ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.
NICKNAMES: With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like “Ultimate Pecs” and “Big Turk,” women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to one another as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: Big Screen TV’s. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 “D” batteries to operate.
PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
MUSTACHES: Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.
LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room – se x. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
I Just Called To Complain
I phoned my local radio station today.
When the guy answered the phone, he said “Congratulations on being our 1st caller. All you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize.”
“Whoohoo!” I shouted with joy.
“It’s a math question.” he said, “Feeling confident?”
“I’ve got a degree in math, and I teach it at our local school,” I proudly said.
“Okay then, to win the 2 VIP tickets to see Justin Bieber and to meet him backstage afterwards, What is 2+2?”
I replied, “7″.
Why Babies Need Lots Of Clothes
1. Because baby eats. Eating is a messy job for a baby. If you wrap a baby in a towel sized bib…baby will find the tiny gap of space left around the neck and dump food in.
2. Because baby sleeps. Sleeping is an unplanned job for baby. If you don’t have a clean dry diaper on baby when baby decides to doze…or even if you do…baby will figure out a way to sleep and still whiz on everything.
3. Because baby drools. Baby may look clean to the un-expecting admirer… but beware of picking up the little water fountain unless your clothing has flood insurance.
4. Because baby moves. If your house is spotless…baby will find spot.
5. Because baby has Grandma. Grandma thinks the little suit with ears and a tail is SOOOOOO CUTE!!! Not to mention the Santa suit, pumpkin suit, turkey suit, bunny suit, or cowboy suit.
6. Because baby grows. Size 1 today…size 3 on Wednesday…
7. Because baby things disappear. Even washing machines enjoy a light lunch once in a while.
8. Because baby has relatives. Aunt Bertha made a bright orange sundress out of wool for baby. Gee…let’s see if the washing machine has eaten today…
9. Because baby hates getting dressed. If mom cannot get baby in and out of clothing easily and quickly during any part of any day or night…that set of annoying clothing will be gift wrapped and sent to one of the in-laws.
10. Because baby travels. It is not humanly possible to carry around all of the clothing a baby will need. Therefore, stashes of baby clothing must be hidden all over the neighborhood. (If you happen to find someone else’s stash and the clothes look cleaner…just trade…they will probably be too tired to notice.)
The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people’s love advice was hilarious and genius!
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)…
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.