Black Friday – SNL
Senior Discount – Baroness Von Sketch Show
“Today is Black Friday.
Just be decent and civilized.
By holding the cell phone horizontal when recording any fights.”
“It’s Black Friday, and I just got the new iPhone for my wife.
I thought it was a good trade.”
“Every year on Black Friday I make sure I wake up extra early.
To go on the internet to see all the fights.”
“I actually enjoy Black Friday.
It’s the one day I know exactly where all the nut jobs are and how to avoid them.”
“Black Friday: Only in America do people trample others for cheap goods just hours after being thankful for what they already have.”
How can you tell which one of your friends got a good Black Friday deal?
“Don’t worry, they’ll let you know.”
Which family usually spends the most on Black Friday?
“The one who earns the least.”
“Black Friday = The Day People Spend Money They Don’t Have On Things They Don’t Need.”
“Black Friday reminds me so much of bowling because the people ahead of me remind me of the pins that I wish to knock out.”
“Online shopping sucks.
It’s a lot harder to shove a 70-year-old out of the way on the way to a $2 waffle iron deal.”
What do Black Friday shoppers and the Thanksgiving turkey have in common?
“They know what it’s like to be stuffed and jammed into a small space.”
Why do Americans go shopping on Black Friday?
“They are thankful they survived Thanksgiving dinner.”
Why do they call the day after Thanksgiving “Black Friday”?
“Because it matches the mood of all the miserable shoppers.”
Who profits the most on Black Friday?
“The folks who were smart enough to stay home.”
Why do people go clothes shopping on Black Friday?
“To replace all the clothes they spilled Thanksgiving dinner on.”
“I hope that Cyber Monday extends to the deep web.
Because I’m going to need to a discount on a new liver after all of that Thanksgiving drinking!”
Best Drunk Story Ever!
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
‘I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-n@ked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!’
The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would usually fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: ‘I got it on with your grandma and I’ll tell you, she is the best I ever had!’
The biker’s buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, ‘I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma really liked it!’
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says………………..
Grandpa………. Go home!
Children’s Deep Thoughts
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.”
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? — Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. — Age 13
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. — Age 10
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out. — Age 6
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that’s five more than the biggest number you could come up with! — Age 6
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have a couple of days saved up. — Age 7
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. — Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. — Age 5
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be…until the looting started. — Age 15
12 YEARS & UNDER
I DON’T KNOW
Three junior pancakes with maple syrup 8
I DON’T CARE
One egg, two strips of smoked bacon, home fried potatoes 7
Breakfast served from 6am – 11am
LUNCH & DINNER
I’M NOT HUNGRY
Chicken Fingers 8
I DON’T WANT THAT
Grilled Cheese 8
I WANT TO GO TO MACDONALD’S
Junior Cheese Burger 8
I WANT TO GO HOME
Fish and Chips 8
Served from 11am – 11pm
How To Please Your I.T. Department
(A quick check list for those who need to make contact.)
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children’s art. We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don’t write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he’s coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won’t be there when we need your password. It’s nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what’s keeping you from getting it. We don’t need to know that you can’t get into your mail because your computer won’t power on at all.
5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We’re just testing.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer support. There’s electronics in it.
9. When you’re getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We’re collectors.
11. When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person’s chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don’t have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
13. When an I.T. person tells you that he’ll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: “And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?” That motivates us.
14. When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
15. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
Men vs. Women
RELATIONSHIPS: First of all, a man does not call it a relationship. He refers to it as a romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or, in some unfortunate circumstances, “that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis.”
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry, and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men are Morons.” Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. For six months, his ex may not hear from him, but then late on Saturday night/Sunday morning, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total b!tch. But I want to let you know there’s always a chance for us.”
This is known as the “I Hate You/I Love You” drunken phone call. Ninety-nine percent of all men past the age of 21 have made this call at least once. Some men make a career of these calls. There are community colleges that offer extension courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
SE X: Women prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of foreplay, less if at all possible. For the man, driving back to her place is considered a part of foreplay.
MATURITY: Women mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17 year old females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.
HATS: Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.
GROCERIES: A woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of the things she needs, and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man does not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are an opened can of Schlitz and a half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping.
A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less lane.
MAGAZINES: Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should no be seen by the light of day.
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body. Naked men elicit laughter from women.
Now That I’m Older Here’s What I’ve Discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It’s a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days, you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck did stop here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
15. When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m hereafter.
19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE……….??
Sex After Surgery
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation. “You’ll be fine,” he said.
She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
“What’s the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won’t I?”
He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”
1. In the front yard of a funeral home, “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”
2. On an electrician’s truck, “Let us remove your shorts.”
3. Outside a radiator repair shop, “Best place in town to take a leak.”
4. In a non-smoking area, “If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
5. On a maternity room door, “Push, Push, Push.”
6. On a front door, “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.”
7. At an optometrist’s office, “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
8. On a taxidermist’s window, “We really know our stuff.”
9. On a butcher’s window, “Let me meat your needs.”
10. On a butcher’s window, “You can beat our prices, but you can’t beat our meat.”
11. On a fence, “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.”
12. At a car dealership, “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
13. Outside a muffler shop, “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”
14. In a dry cleaner’s emporium, “Drop your pants here.”
15. On a desk in a reception room, “We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.”
16. In a veterinarian’s waiting room, “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
17. At the electric company, “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”
18. In a Beauty Shop, “Dye now!”
19. In a Beauty Shop, “We curl up and Dye for you.”
20. On the side of a garbage truck, “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.” (Burglars please copy.)
21. In a restaurant window, “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”
22. Inside a bowling alley, “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”
23. In a cafeteria, “Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
24. On a plumbers van, “We repair what your husband fixed!”
Well, That Was Nice Of It
My name is LaserJet 4050 and was made in 1999. I’V been doing my job printing your documents for many many years, however, think the motor that powers my paper feeder is bad. This makes me sad because I’m not able to do my job very reliably. As such, I am formally
presenting this document as a letter of resignation.
IT is working on finding a replacement for me, but for the time being, I apologize if I tell you I have a paper jam. Please allow me to refer you to my coworker. LaserJet 3390. 3390 resides outside of Ray’s office and can be reached at: 12345XYZ.com
Please accept my sincerest apologies for failing.
Thank you for replacing my toner and restocking my paper tray. It’s been a wonderful 14 years of working together.