Jokes – Misc #1

A Poem
Mary had a little sheep,
with this sheep she went to sleep,
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
that’s when Mary had a little lamb.
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Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK)

It’s a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It’s so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere –even sitting in an armchair by the fire–yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD.

Here’s how it works: Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The “browse” feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an “index” feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional “BOOKmark” accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session — even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.

Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, coming soon, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus…..
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Cartoon Laws Of Physics
Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge’s surcease.

Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyses this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth’s surface. A spooky noise or an adversary’s signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character’s head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky’ character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l’oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall’s surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they re-inflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
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Dihydrogen Monoxide
Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

  • is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
  • contributes to the “greenhouse effect.”
  • may cause severe burns.
  • contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
  • accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
  • may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
  • has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

  • as an industrial solvent and coolant.
  • in nuclear power plants.
  • in the production of styrofoam.
  • as a fire retardant.
  • in many forms of cruel animal research.
  • in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
  • as an additive in “junk-foods” and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its “importance to the economic health of this nation.” In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don’t know CAN hurt you and others throughout the world.

If you don’t get this joke look up ‘Dihydrogen Monoxide’
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Gripe Sheet
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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Good, Bad, And Worse
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets.
Worse: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife’s not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She’s a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He’s involved with the Woman next door.
Worse: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You’re in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills.
Worse: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the “birds and bees” talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.

Good: The postman’s early.
Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It’s another man.
Worse: He’s your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Worse: Your coworkers are her best clients.
The WORST: She makes more money than you do.
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Loony Sex Laws That You Never Knew You Were Breaking
You can usually tell which of these laws were written by men and which by women

* In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it’s illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

* It’s against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during s ex.

* In Oblong, Illinois, it’s punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

* No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

* Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn’t allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you — or holding you in his arms.

* Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite Sex in the front yard of a home after sundown– if they’re nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you’re safe from the law!)

* In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it’s illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!

* The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have Sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

* An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having Sex while standing inside a store’s walk-in meat freezer!

* A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
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The TRUE ending to The Empire Strikes Back
A furious light saber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke’s hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there’s nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No… I am your father!

Luke: No, it’s not true! It’s impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings… you know it to be true…

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true…and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes… Threepio… I built him… when I was 7 years old…

Luke: No…

Darth Vader: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn’t even levitate your own ship out of the swamp…

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it’s not my fault…

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go… “Poor me… my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday… boo hoo, my daddy’s the Dark Lord of the Sith… waahhh wahhh!”

Luke: Shut up…

Darth Vader: You’re a slacker! By the time I was you’re age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar’s Canyon!

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor… 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open… Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer… right here baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Darth Vader: I was wrong… You’re not my kid… I don’t know whose you are, but you sure ain’t mine…

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks after him.

Darth Vader: Get a haircut!
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Texas Chili Contest
Notes from an inexperienced chili tester named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the east coast:

Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The regular judge called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the two other judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have all the free beer I wanted during the chili tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Judge #1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2: Nice, smooth flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me 3 beers to put the flames out. I hope this is the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Judge #1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children! I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Judge #1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Frank: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I’ve been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded on my back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Judge #1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 lb. bitch is starting to look “HOT”, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Judge #1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2: Chili using shredded beef. Could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer on it directly from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Judge #1: Thin, yet bold, vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge #2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric inferno flames. I pooped when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!

Judge #1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2: Ho-hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers as an afterthought. I should note that I’m worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it’s made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lava-like poop to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Judge #1: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili?
Frank: ———–(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report).
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Winning Job Application
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida… and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.


LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.



PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?


DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.


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Cultural Differences Explained
Dislike being mistaken for being British when abroad.
Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Believe you should look out for your mates.
Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Believe that that’s the government’s job.
Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.
Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Brits in every sport they play them in.
Spell words differently, but still call it “English”.
Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English”.
Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Add “G’day”, “mate” and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get some.
Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
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Giving Cats Pills
Instructions For Giving Your Cat A Pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14. Arrange for vet to make a house call.
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Ordering A Modern Day Pizza
Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?

Customer: Hi, I’d like to place an order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it’s 6102049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you Mr. McNaughton. I see you live on Glenforest St., and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is Which number are you calling from sir?

Customer: Huh? I’m at home. Where’d you get all this information?

Operator: We’re wired into the HSS, sir.

Customer: The HSS, what is that?

Operator: We’re wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I’! d like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.

Operator: I don’t think that’s a good idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you’ve got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won’t allow such an unhealthy choice.

Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I’m sure you’ll like it.

Customer: What makes you think I’d like something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out ‘Gourmet Soybean Recipes’ from your local library last week, sir. That’s why I made the suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.

Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.

Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.

Operator: I’m sorry sir, but I’m afraid you’ll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.

Customer: I’ll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.

Operator: That won’t work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.

Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I’ll have the cash ready. How long will it take?

Operator: We’re running a little behind, sir. It’ll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you’re in a hurry you might want to pick’em up while you’re out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?

Operator: It says here you’re in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo’ed. But your Harley’s paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.

Customer: Well, I’ll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#

Operator: I’d advise watching your language, sir. You’ve already got a July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing at a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?

Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2-liter of Coke.

Operator: I’m sorry sir, but our ad’s exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this.

Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.
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Barbie’s I'd Like To See
Administrative Barbie:
Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Ken’s salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole, despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and she’ll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-organization, a move, and order airline tickets for Director Ken.

America’s Most Wanted Barbie:
She’s on the run after 30 years of crime against feminism.

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie:
An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie:
Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier’s aprons may be purchased separately for Barbie’s who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

Divorced Barbie:
Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex’s new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on her left hand ring finger).

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman:
This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.

Ecology Barbie:
Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Home Girl Barbie:
Barbie in a midriff-baring shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like “I don’t think so” “Dang, get outta my face” and “You go, girl” Teaches girls not to take any crap from men and/or condescending people.

Melrose Place Barbie:
Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.

Murder, Barbie Wrote:
Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she’s 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.

My So-Called Barbie:
She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens who don’t have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, ponies and national recognition.

Oprah Barbie:
Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is, Ballerina Barbie’s struggle with bulimia, and Kens who wear Barbie’s clothes.

Robotic Barbie:
Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says “You too can walk thru life in a stupor. Damn these spike heels anyway!”

Roseanne Barbie:
The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much. While this Barbie can indeed spout mouthfuls at a time, she cannot sing.

Temp Barbie:
This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she’ll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing cabinet filled with the past five-years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.

Twelve-Step Barbie:
Pull the string on her back and she says, “Hi, I’m Barbie and I’m an alcoholic.” Comes with a “One Day At A Time” bumper sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes.

Voluptuous Barbie:
A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o’ Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann’s walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading “Only the Weak Don’t Eat” and, of course, an appetite.
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Handy First Aid Tips
Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it would be going to waste.
Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human being). And do try not to be squeamish about it.

Drive the victim to the emergency room. You can use him/her to jumpstart the engine as well if need be.

Treating burns and scalds
Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (If the victims entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little too late for this).

If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then REMOVE CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of you parading around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury. Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as an example.

Fractures and broken limbs
Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are going to die. That always puts the wind up them.
Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the rest of your job easier.

Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an abnormal position. However, if you’re feeling daring, try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc. It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can produce. Far better than Play-Doh.

Choking On Food
Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of food hit you in the eye, however.
Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill. Make a mental note to order soup next time.

Cuts And Wounds
Dress the wound, whatever that means.

Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing.

Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my little joke.

Stitch up the wound with aluminum wire.

Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know.

Objects Stuck In The Eye
Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT. Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This usually results in the object mysteriously “going away” and not bothering the victim any more before you can get to it.

When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the President is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back.

Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more. Yes, there’s a whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion.

Here’s a good one: before the victim comes round, switch of all the lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout “Thank God! We thought you might be dead, or blinded or something.”
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Mad Ramblings
What’s with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking — “Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I’d better carpet the toilet too.”

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I’ll just say, “Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.”

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, “No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?” Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”

Can’t we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don’t they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

Why do they call it a “building”? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a “built”?

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
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Educational Tips From 70s And 80s TV
Television has always had its share of out-there plots, weird characters and completely unbelievable moments. I got to thinking, what would it be like if someone my age had never gone to school, but instead had been raised by watching TV. Here are a few of the ways he might believe the world works.

The A-Team
1. I learned that it is possible to fire millions of rounds of ammo and throw several thousand grenades over the course of several years and never actually hit anybody with a bullet or wound anyone with flying shrapnel.

2. I learned that it is possible to afford said ammo and grenades without holding down a regular job and without charging half of the people who hire you for your mercenary services because they are too poor to pay you for it.

3. I learned that if you are a bad guy it is never a good idea to lock the A-Team into a garage well stocked with sheet metal and acetylene torches.

4. I learned that you can turn your regular old cargo van into an assault van (non-lethal, of course) with a ceiling fan, some plywood and a couple of wood screws.

5. I learned that being certifiably insane doesn’t necessarily preclude you from getting a helicopter pilot’s license.

6. I learned that large, scary men who are afraid of flying can be easily (and repeatedly) tricked into drinking drugged milk so that you can get them on an airplane.

1. I learned that guns don’t solve anything, but that highly explosive bombs made out of light bulbs, duct tape and various household cleaners do.

2. I learned that Richard Dean Anderson is about the only person in the world who looks cool wearing a mullet.

3. I learned that being an environmental activist and driving a gas-guzzling Jeep are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

The Dukes of Hazzard
1. I learned that hot women in short shorts can make boys as young as 6 feel a little funny in their nether regions.

2. I learned that Deputy Enos’ parents hated him. Why else would they have named him Enos?

3. I learned that mayoral corruption is a lucrative business as evidenced by the vast number of squad cars Boss Hogg had to buy over the years.

4. I learned that they make really heavy duty shock absorbers and car frames down in Hazzard County for every vehicle except police cars.

5. I learned that Uncle Jesse must have had a ton of brothers seeing as how Bo, Luke, Daisy and the two guys who filled in for Bo and Luke for awhile were all cousins to each other, none of them were Uncle Jesse’s kids and all of them had the last name of Duke.

6. I learned that apparently, all of Uncle Jesse’s brothers (and their wives) were either short-lived or they (and their wives) were deadbeat parents because none of them ever made an appearance in Hazzard County.

7. I learned that distilling and smuggling moonshine is a good, clean way to bond with your relatives.

Knight Rider
1. I learned that it is socially acceptable for a straight man to wear eye makeup as long as he drives a talking Trans Am.

2. I learned that if you ever own a talking car, never buy one with a British accent because no matter what it says it will always sound condescending.

Star Trek: The Next Generation
1. I learned that in the future no one will ever need to use the bathroom.

2. I learned that at some point between the time of Captain James T. Kirk and Captain Jean Luc Picard the Klingons experienced some sort of horrible accident which caused their entire race to develop large ridges in their noses and foreheads.

Happy Days
1. I learned that it is never a good idea to jump a shark on water skis, even if you are wearing a leather jacket at the time. It’s not about safety people, it’s about ludicrousness.

2. I learned that it isn’t creepy at all (or illegal for that matter) for a man in his thirties to have sex with numerous high school girls as long as he is able to start up a jukebox by snapping his fingers.

3. I learned that Mr. Miyagi’s first name is actually Arnold and that before he taught martial arts to a certain baby-faced 30-year old who still lived with his mother, he was a restaurant owner/short-order cook.

Magnum P.I.
1. I learned that it is possible for a man to effectively fight crime while wearing extremely small (some might say testicle-endangeringly small) shorts, flip-flops and a baseball cap.

2. I learned that it is possible to have a mustache and leave your shirt unbuttoned to the navel, exposing your hairy chest in all its Selleck-y glory and not look like a washed up, 70’s era porno actor.

The Cosby Show
1. I learned that if you make enough money, you can wear whatever ugly sweaters you want to without being mocked by anyone.

2. I learned that it is possible for previously unmentioned Huxtable children to suddenly show up after several seasons without any kind of credible explanation of where they’ve been nor any indication of some kind of past family squabbles that would have kept them away for so long.

3. I learned that it is possible, though rare, for really young sitcom children to be funny and cute without crossing over into sickly sweet and annoying…although that got screwed up when they brought Raven/Symone onto the show.

4. I learned that hilarity will ensue if you have dangerously high cholesterol, but you ignore it and frequently sneak massive hoagies and potato chips when your wife isn’t around.

Little House On The Prairie
1. I learned what the word “bastard” means. Absolutely true story: Having heard “bastard” used on “Little House On The Prairie” I figured it wasn’t a bad word so I jokingly called my little brother that at the dinner table in front of my mother and she almost fainted. When she had composed herself she grilled me about where I had heard that word and then explained to me what it meant. Darn you Michael Landon for getting me in trouble and making me learn something in the process!

2. I learned that I should avoid any and all blonde girls named Nellie, as well as their mothers.

3. I learned that, over time, Half-Pints can eventually grow into Gallon Jugs. Giggidy.

1. I learned that it is possible to sit at the end of a bar for ten years while drinking copious amounts of beer and never have to pay your tab. (Would anyone who knows where this bar really exists email me the street address.)

2. I learned that owning/operating a bar is the best thing a recovering alcoholic can do on his road to sobriety.

3. I learned that Woody probably wasn’t as dumb as he seemed; he was just stoned out of his mind most of the time.

4. I learned that leaving one of the all-time greatest, most popular and most critically acclaimed sitcoms in television history to star in “Troop Beverly Hills” is not the smartest of career moves.
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Friday The 13th
Today is Friday the 13th, unluckiest day of the year, so don’t take any unnecessary chances:
• Do not tell National Rifle Klan jokes at the Militia Expo.
• Do not offer to give away your Beanie Baby at a soccer mom’s convention.
• Do not invest heavily in a product called Howard Stern’s Ultra-Hold Flea Spray.
• Do not give Sammy “The Bull” Gravano a lecture on family values.
• If you’re going out for Chinese, do not order the black-cat soup.
• Do not tell doctor jokes during your prostate exam.

Important things to remember on Friday the 13th:
• Never trust a rabbit that tries to sell you his foot.
• Never walk under a mirror or break a black cat.
• 4-leaf clovers are lucky today — but not if you smoke them.
• The number “13″ is very unlucky–especially if it’s the only one you can get on the drugstore blood pressure machine.
• It is very unlucky today if a black crosses your path or gets flushed down your toilet.
• Walking under a ladder can be very unlucky today — especially if it’s at the drugstore the 16-year-old with zits is climbing down with a barbecue grill.
• Stepping on a cricket can very extremely unlucky today — especially for the cricket.
• Wearing garlic around your neck today will ward off evil spirits. It will also ward off good spirits, indifferent spirits, and any other spirits with noses.
• A rabbit’s foot is not lucky. If you don’t believe me, ask the rabbit.
• Wearing a lucky penny between your toes means good luck and blisters.
• For good luck, hang a horseshoe over your front door. For really good luck, hang the entire horse over your front door.
• Step on a crack, break your mother’s back. But don’t worry about it. After rearing you, mom probably would enjoy traction.
• Horseshoes usually bring good luck today, but never trust a horse that wears high heels.
• If you think walking under a step-ladder is unlucky, try walking under your step-mother.
• A rabbit’s foot can be lucky, unless the rabbit sets foot in your garden, in which case he’ll probably eat your string beans.
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The Dead President Sketch
You will get a lot more out of this if you know the Dead Parrot sketch by Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

Voter: Hello, I wish to register a complaint…hello? Miss?
Shopkeeper: What do you mean, miss?
V: Oh, I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.
S: Sorry, we’re closing for lunch.
V: Never mind that, my lad, I wish to complain about this President I elected not half an hour ago, from this very voting booth.
S: Oh, yes, the Northeastern Liberal. What’s wrong with it?
V: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it. It’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it.
S: No, no sir, it’s not dead. It’s thinking.
V: Thinking?
S: Yeah, remarkable candidate the Northeastern Liberal, beautiful platform, innit?
V: The platform doesn’t enter into it — it’s stone dead.
S: No, no — it’s just thinking.
V: All right then, if it’s thinking I’ll divert its attention. (shouts at slumped form in navy suit) Hello President! I’ve got some lovely Socialized Medical Programs for you if you wake up!
S: (poking president’s head) There it moved.
V: No he didn’t. That was you moving his head.
S: I did not.
V: Yes, you did. (yanks president upright by his lapels, shouts) Hello President! (bangs head against the counter) Mr. President, wake up! President! (throws him in the air and lets him fall to the floor) Now that’s what I call a dead President.
S: No, no he’s a Democrat.
V: Look my lad, I’ve had just about enough of this. That President is definitely deceased. And when I elected it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a prolonged debate.
S: He’s probably pining for Thurgood Marshall.
V: Pining for Thurgood Marshall, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?
S: The Northeastern Liberal is often found on its back. Beautiful politician, lovely platform.
V: Look, I took the liberty of examining that President, and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting at its desk in the first place was that it had been nailed there.
S: Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it would have jumped out the window of the Oval Office– and voom!
V: Look matey, (picks up President) this President wouldn’t voom if I put four thousand volts through it. It’s bleeding demised.
S: It’s not, it’s pining.
V: He’s not pining he’s passed on! This President is no more! It has ceased to be! It’s expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late President! It’s a stiff! Bereft of life it rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed him to the desk, he would be pushing up the daisies! He’s off its twig! He’s shuffled off his mortal coil! He’s run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! He’s fu(k!ng snuffed it! This is an ex-President!!
S: Well, I’d better replace it then.
V: To get anything done in this country you’ve got to complain till you’re blue in the mouth.
S: Sorry guv, we’re right out of Presidents.
V: I see. I see. I get the picture.
S: I got a Queen.
V: A Queen.
S: Yeah.
V: Pray, does it address the deficit?
S: Not really, no.
V: Well then it’s scarcely a replacement, is it?
S: Want to come back to my place?
V: Thought you’d never ask.

The Dead President Sketch is by: Monty Python
except for the nasty bits which were written by: Elizabeth Barrett Revulsion and Whiplash Smile and Montgomery J. Moose.
(Ms. Revulsion is actually fond of liberals. Whiplash Smile is not. Montgomery J. Moose finds the liberals passionately exciting)

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Sex & Calories
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.

Who the hell runs 8 miles in 15 seconds?
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Beer Troubleshooting
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
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End Of The World
When the End of the World Arrives, How Will the Media Report It?
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria’s Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Readers Digest: ‘BYE
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How to Write Dummy Books for Dummies
Walk into any bookstore, and you’ll find dozens of annoying dummy books sitting on the shelf. These range from Windows 95 for Dummies to Beer for Dummies to Stealing Books from the Bookstores for Dummies. (Actually, I made that last one up, but I’m sure someone’s working on it right now.) Sometimes, these books can be useful. Other times, they can be a tad annoying. (“Special Tip! When you finish reading the words on this line, scroll down and there will be more words. Really!)

There is such a demand for these books that I know many of you are itching to jump on this trend and write your own Dummy books. After all, there are many topics yet to be covered. (Home Brain Surgery for Dummies, The Snooze Button for Dummies, Walking and Chewing Gum at the Same Time for Dummies just to name a few.) So to help you the reader (and potential writer), I would like to present… How to Write Dummy Books for Dummies.

Getting Started
So you’re all set to write a book for dummies, and you’ve got your word processor ready. Now what do you do? Well, you have to write the book. That’s right. Books don’t just write themselves. You have to do the writing yourself. (Unless of course, you’re famous or at the very least involved somehow in the O.J. Simpson trial, in which case you can get a ghostwriter to write the book for you.)

First of all, pretend your audience has all the intelligence of Pamela Anderson and/or Lee. (Settle down. I said the intelligence.) Always think of your readers as nice but stupid. Then, start writing. Remember to explain everything about your subject that you possibly can. And then explain it again.

How to Come Up with a Subject
It’s easy to come up with a subject. Just try to think of something that you know how to do, or kinda know how to do, or once tried to do. And if you don’t know how to do anything at all, just take something you know nothing about, and make everything up. Hell, your readers are dummies. They won’t know the difference.

Stuff Everyone Assumes You Already Know

These are the things that make up sentence. Think of them as ingredients in a meal. Use good words, and you’ll create a delicious meal worthy of the best restaurants. Use lousy words, and everything will just suck.

Special Tip! Still confused about words? Well, this sentence contains words. See?

A whole bunch of words put together followed by a cute little dot that most writer geeks call a period. Don’t get all confused by technical terms like this. Let the writer geeks call it a period. We’ll just call it a cute little dot.

Special Tip! When you put together a bunch of sentences, you should skip a line and start a new paragraph.

Like so. And don’t get all worried about how many sentences should make up a paragraph. Just pick a random number, and you should be all set.

A whole lot of sentences put together. Sometimes, it can be like really long, ya know?

The Whole Actual Writing Thing
The writing should be easy, and if you’re ever uncertain about what you wrote, just ask yourself, “Hmmn. Would Pamela understand this?” If the answer is no, then make it simpler.

* Remember it’s important to use lots of bullets.

Here are some other tips:
1. Always write clearly.
2. Always repeat your most important points.
3. In order to make your reader feel better, try to make fun of smart people. Remember smart people suck.
4. Make up lots of lists. Lists rule!
5. Always repeat your most important points.

* Did I mention the part about using lots of bullets? Okay. Just making sure.

Four Tips to Help You Make a Good List
1. Use numbers.
2. Try to put the tasks in the order you want the reader to do the tasks. For example, for a list in Dressing All by Yourself for Dummies, putting your pants on would come before putting your shoes on.
3. Try not to have any useless entries just so you can get up to some arbitrary number of entries.
4. Oh, I said four tips, didn’t I? Damn. I meant three.

What to Do Once You’ve Written the Book
Just send it off to a publisher and wait for the paycheck to come in. Trust me. The dummies will flock to your book. Well, some might first have to purchase Finding the Book Store for Dummies or Learning to Read For Dummies, but once they find the bookstore, you’re bound to make oodles of money. And then you can quit your job and retire. Sound cool? I thought so.
Coming Soon: The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dummies.
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The History Of The Condom
I’ve always been a student of history but I didn’t know this.

In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat’s lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

FYI: I did not run this through Snopes but I got it from a friend on the internet that I totally trust.
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Real Classified Ads
These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB – Go ahead…fire us…we dare you!

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE…ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. – Personally I only use mine in the rain.

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 – Doesn’t sound the wire mesh helped much.

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT’S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 – What else does the doll come with?

TICKLE ME ELMO. NEW IN BOX. HARDLY TICKLED. $700 – It would be a lot more if it was pre-tickled.

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT — $15 – That’s a lot for an interstellar gangster.

DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR VALENTINE – HAVE YOUR SEPTIC TANK PUMPED. – She always said it was the thought that counts.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. – Ok, but if it is any more then slight I’m retuning it.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME. – Does an Elmo doll come with it too?

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) – $50 – Ever since the new version came out he’s just not in demand.

NORDIC TRACK $300 – HARDLY USED – CALL CHUBBY at:…- Chubby would be the nicest thing I would call you.

BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING – “WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS” – Foreign made we charge extra for.

SHAKESPEARE’S PIZZA – FREE CHOPSTICKS – What! You never heard of fusion food?

PRESIDENT’S CHOICE – COW MANURE – 2 33lb bags – $5 – Congress has to buy the regular manure.

NICE PARACHUTE – NEVER OPENED – USED ONCE – SLIGHTLY STAINED – Bleach out the blood first and we got a deal!
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As Time Goes By - A Brief History Lesson...
3050 B.C. – A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.

525 B.C. – The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don’t try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women’s shot put.

214 B.C. – Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn’t keep the neighbor’s dog out.

1 B.C. – Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.

432 – St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.

1297- The world’s first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.

1456 – An English judge reviews Joan of Arc’s case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.

1607 – The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as “John Smith”.

1755 – Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.

1770 – The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, 3 shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Sat. Night.

1805 – Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.
1807 – Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.

1865 – Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee’s surrender.

1912 – People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.

1934 – As if the Great Depression weren’t giving business enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.
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Wine And Water
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Ergo: It is better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of crap.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I am doing it as a public service
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Attorney Bag Limits
1. Any person with a valid drivers license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidently struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest carwash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snowmobile, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash”, “ambulance”, or “free Perrier” for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to use illicit substances, $100 bills, ladies of the night, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, houses of the night, health spas, bars, ambulances or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office it shall be a felony to hunt trap or possess them without special license.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department certificate of vermin inspection.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

Bag Limits
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder …2
2. Two Faced Tort Feasor …1
3. Back Stabbing Divorce Litigator …4
4. Big Mouthed Pub Gut …3
5. Honest Attorney …EXTINCT
6. Cut Throat …2
7. Back Stabbing Whiner …3
8. Brown Nosed Judge Kisser …2
9. Silver Tongued Drug Defender …$100 Bounty
10. Hairy Tushed Civil Libertarian …4
11. Tax Attorney …10
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Marketing Buzz Word Translator
ADVANCED DESIGN: The advertising agency doesn’t even understand it
ALL NEW: Parts not interchangeable with any previous model
ALL SOLID-STATE: Heavy as Hell!
BREAKTHROUGH: We finally figured out a way to market this turkey
BROADCAST QUALITY: Gives a picture and produces noise
BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES: We finally got it to fit together
CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY: You can return it from most airports
DESIGNED SIMPLICITY: Manufacturer’s costs cut to the bone
DIRECT SALES ONLY: Factory had a big argument with distributor
DISTINCTIVE: A different shape and color than the others
EXCLUSIVE: Cheaply made imported product
FIELD TESTED: Manufacturer lacks test equipment
FOOLPROOF OPERATION: No provision for adjustments FUTURISTIC: No other reason why it looks the way it does
HAND CRAFTED: Assembly machines operated without gloves on
HIGH ACCURACY: Unit on which all parts fit
HIGH RELIABILITY: We made it work long enough to ship it
IT’S HERE AT LAST!: Rush job; Nobody knew it was ready
LATEST AEROSPACE TECHNOLOGY: One of our techs was laid off by Boeing
MAINTENANCE FREE: Impossible to fix
MEETS ALL STANDARDS: Ours, not yours
MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED: Does things we can’t explain
MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS: We got a good deal at a government auction
NEW: Different color from previous design
NEW GENERATION: Old design failed, maybe this one will work
PERFORMANCE PROVEN: Will operate through the warranty period
RE-DESIGNED: Previous faults corrected, we hope…
REVOLUTIONARY: It’s slightly different from our competitors
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED: Manufacturer’s, upon cashing your check
SMPTE BUS COMPATIBLE: When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE: Nothing we ever made before worked this way
UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT: We finally got one that works
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Brain Exercise
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it’s important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: “If you don’t use it, you will lose it” also applies to the brain.

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your
mind and . . . begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

The answer is bread. If you said “toast”, then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, “bread”, go to question 2.

2. Say “silk” five times. Now spell “silk”. What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said “milk”, please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as “Children’s World”. If you said, “water” then proceed to question three.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said “green bricks”, what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said “glass”, then go on to question four.

4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of “no man’s land” between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors – East Germany or West Germany or in “no man’s land”?

Answer: You don’t, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, “Don’t bury the survivors” then proceed to the next question.

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said “360 degrees” or anything other than “one degree”, you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator – You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for goodness sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!
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Mommy Mommy
If you’ve never heard of mommy mommy jokes they are rude crude, rude, lude, and simply disgusting so continue reading at your own risk.

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn’t eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.

Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven’t even finished your Grandmother yet.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sister’s guts.
Shut up and eat what’s put in front of you.

Mommy, Mommy! Why can’t we give Dad a decent burial?
Shut up and keep flushing.

Mommy, Mommy! What is a delinquent child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!

Mommy, Mommy! I’m sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I’ll flush it again!

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.

Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I’ll chop off the other leg!

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy’s running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!

Mommy, Mommy! What’s in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!

Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!

Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa’s going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.

Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you’ll wake your father.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy’s Throwing up in the bathroom.
That’s ok dear your father can take care of himself.
But Billy’s eating all the big pieces.

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to see Niagara Falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! I’ve lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!

Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?
Shut up, you know that grandma’s leg is no longer infested.

Mommy, Mommy! I’d like to play marbles now!
Keep quiet, you can’t use Grandpa’s glass eye today!

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is how to learn to swim?
Shut up and get back in the sack!

Mommy, Mommy! How come sister gets to watch TV and I can’t?
Shut up or I’ll cut your ears off, too!

Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.
All right, you can take another slice.

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to empty the compost heap.
Shut up and keep eating.

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t like fishing.
Shut up and stop squirming.

Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller.
Shut up. I’m in the bathroom, slide her under the door.
or Shut up and get the maple syrup.

“Come upstairs, son, like a good boy.”
“No, Mommy, you’ll only throw me down again.”

Mommy, Mommy! Don’t push me towards the elevator shAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!
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Wacky And Outdated U.S. Laws
Just in case you thought all crazy laws were in the past check this out.

Arizona will make it legal for gun owners with permits to carry concealed weapons to take their fire arms into drinking establishments — bars — on September 29 2009. Up until now, guns were barred from any kind of establishment where alcohol is served but that law no longer stands.

*In Reno, Nevada, the sale of sex toys, which includes “any device … designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs,” is forbidden. The state of Nevada allows for brothels but it seems the Reno is a little weary of self stimulation. You can pay someone else to do it for you but you can’t pay to do it for yourself.

*In Fairbanks, Alaska, it’s illegal to give a moose alcohol and it’s also illegal for moose to have sex on city streets. While the first part of this makes sense (a drunk moose would probably be pretty dangerous), the second part sounds like something that might be really hard to enforce. Do you fine these exhibitionist moose or do you just haul them off to jail? Let’s face it, if they’ve been getting it on in the street, they’re probably already drunk.

*No one can suddenly start or stop a car in front of a McDonald’s or drive-in restaurants in general in Little Rock, Arkansas. This must have made Bill Clinton’s visits to the local McDonald’s really interesting back when he was the governor. Maybe that’s why he decided to take up jogging instead.

*An anti-crime law in Texas requires criminals to give their victims notice, oral or written, 24 hours in advance of the crime they’re planning to commit and the nature of that crime. It seems unlikely that someone who is already planning to break one law would follow this law and actually put pen to paper: “Dear Karen, I’m planning to break into your house and steal your Wii in 24 hours.”

*In Louisiana, you could go to jail for up to a year for making a false promise so be sure you mean it when you give your vows at your wedding. It’s hard to believe that a state would actually make it illegal to essentially lie to someone but apparently somewhere along the line, it pissed off someone so much that they actually had to make a law forbidding it.

*While in Oregon, a person may not test their physical endurance while driving a car on a highway. Somehow doing so would qualify as speed racing along a highway which holds a penalty for many drivers. It’s a Class A traffic violation for any driver to do so within the state according to the state driving laws.

*An Owensboro, Kentucky woman may not buy a hat without her husband’s permission. Perhaps Owensboro is petrified by the fashions worn at the Kentucky Derby every year when it’s held a little over two hours away in Louisville. For this reason, they had to put some restriction on how women could buy their hats — to keep them from getting anything like those monstrosities that take over Churchill Downs.
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Belly Laughs
1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says ‘If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.’

2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,” send me a brother’….
Santa wrote back, ‘SEND ME YOUR MOTHER’……

3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, ‘Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means ‘Without Information Fighting Every time’!’
Wife replies, ‘No, it means ‘With Idiot For Ever’!!!’

4. Importance of a period
Teacher: ‘Do you know the importance of a period?’
Kid: ‘Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our next door neighbor ran away.’

5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, ‘What is the difference between confident and confidential?’
Dad says, ‘You are my son, I’m confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that’s confidential!’

6. Anger management?
Husband: ‘When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?’
Wife: ‘I clean the toilet.’
Husband: ‘How does that help?’
Wife: ‘I use your toothbrush
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Disney's Moby Dick
Recently, I saw Disney’s “The Hunchback of Notre Dame”, and this gave me the idea what would happen if classic writers were employed by Disney. The question is that the marketing reps would require classic literature to be rewritten to make them more marketable. For example, this might be a conversation between Herman Melville and a marketing rep from Disney.

(MR will stand for Marketing Rep)

What if Herman Melville worked for Disney?

MR: Mr. Melville, I have read your book “Moby Dick”, and it has some good points to it, but we would like you to make some changes to it.
Melville: I don’t understand.
MR: Well, we like the fact the story is about a whale. Kids like animals. We also like the fact that there is a multi-racial crew aboard the Pequod. Queequeg is magnificent. I think Starbuck should be an African-American. However, there are still a few changes we would like you to make.
Melville: Changes?
MR: Yes. For example, there are no women aboard the Pequod. How are we going to sell this story if there is no woman for Ishmael to fall in love with?
Melville: But, there were no women on whalers.
MR: Well, you got a point there, but we still need a woman on the boat. I got it, she can be a princess that is running away from her evil father because she’s going to marry a total jerk.
Melville: There are no princesses in New England.
MR: Yeah, right. I know. She is an animal rights activist and doesn’t believe that they should kill whales. So, she stows away to stop the crew from killing any whales.
Melville: But the whole point is that they kill whales to make their living.
MR: You want this to sell, don’t you? Then we have a woman that will “save the whales”. We need a name. Jasmine, already taken. Belle, no. Esmeralda, no, we gave that one to Hugo. I got it, Cellina. Yeah, Cellina the woman from Greenpeace.
Melville: Green who?
MR: OK, now this Ishmael character. He’s too dark and depressed. We need him to be strong and handsome so that Cellina can fall in love with him.
Melville: But being depressed is the reason he’s going out to sea.
MR: No, he should be into adventure. Listen to this. Ishmael catches Cellina stowing away. However, instead of him turning her in, he decides to help her to save the whales. At risk of his own life, because if they are caught, Captain Ahab will feed them both to the sharks.
Melville: Why would Ishmael help her? He’s signed aboard a whaling ship, you know?
MR: Well, it’s because he sees Cellina’s hour glass figure, her smile, her long beautiful blonde hair, her passion for whales.
Melville: Whoa! He’s going to betray the entire ship for one woman?
MR: Well, Ishmael is an adventurer. He doesn’t really realize what they (the crew) are doing by killing whales. This will be the tension in his relationship with Cellina. She convinces him that what they’re doing is wrong.
Melville: Hold on. Ishmael doesn’t know what they’re doing to the whales? He’s signed on to a whaling ship. I think it would be obvious.
MR: Also, Moby Dick doesn’t have a big enough part in the book. I got it. Ishmael and Cellina befriend the whale. They talk to him at night while nobody else notices. Yeah, and Moby has two side kick dolphins, Francesca and Riggoletto. Yeah, kids love dolphins.
Melville: The whale talks?
MR: Sure he does! How else can we make stuffed animal toys to sell?
Melville: And nobody else is going to notice that a great white whale is right next to the boat?
MR: No, they’re all asleep. That is except for Captain Ahab’s evil sidekick parrot, Iago. Oh no, Iago is Jafar’s evil sidekick parrot. I got it: Rasputin. The parrot tells Ahab, then Ahab spies on Ishmael and Cellina to wait for Moby Dick to talk to them. Then Ahab wakes the whole crew so that they can try to kill the whale. Cellina blames Ishmael for this. However, Ishmael sabotages the harpoons in a big fight sequence. Then this typhoon comes and Cellina falls overboard. Ishmael tries to help her, but he can’t because he’s in a fight with Queequeg and Starbuck. Moby dives into the water and rescues Cellina. Then, lightning hits the main sail. Water rushes over the deck. The ship is blown apart. All the crew is in the water drowning. Cellina convinces Moby to save the crew which he does. He puts them all on his back. Then Captain Ahab and Rasputin come up with a big harpoon in a long boat. Ahab says “Now I got you, Moby Dick!!!” Well, at that point Cellina screams, and Ishmael shouts “No!!!” But Right as Ahab is about to throw the harpoon, he is knocked overboard by Francesca and Riggoletto. Ahab is last seen swimming for his life because two sharks (Annastasia and Nikoli) are chasing him and the parrot. The final scene has the whole crew on another boat where the captain is marrying Ishmael and Cellina with Moby Dick, Francesca, and Rigoletto jumping in and out of the water like you see in those Sea World shows.

MR: Mr. Melville, where are you going?
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Simple Truths
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
“In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.”

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying “congrats”.
But, none of them come and touch the man’s penis and say “Good job”.
Moral of the story:
“Hard work is never appreciated”

No Underwear – Makes Sense to Me
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
‘Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!’ he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
‘Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?’ he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, ‘Well….last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.’
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Strange But True Deaths
Here supposedly are true accounts of crazy deaths. We are not vouching for their authenticity – only their humor.

JUST PLAIN BAD LUCK ——————– In 1983 a fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise’s car into a river near Naples, Italy. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore — where a tree blew over and killed him.

ALWAYS LOOK BOTH WAYS ——————— Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge — killing him.

TAKE NOVOCAINE ————— Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

NEVER RETURN TO THE SCENE ————————– George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.

POOR SUCKER ————– Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.

CHECK THE PULSE FIRST ———————– In 1983, Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

FRAUD DOESN’T PAY ——————- A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.
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Coyote vs Acme
In the United States District Count, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B19345, Judge John Kujava, Presiding

Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff
Acme Company, Defendant

OPENING Statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, Attorney for Mr. Coyote:

My client, Mr. Wile E Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandize, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district and territory.

Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.

Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, “Defendant”), through that company’s mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A.

Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for workman’s Compensation.

Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote’s forelimbs to a length of fifty feet.

Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote’s body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trial along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.

Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs.

Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled.

Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.

Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme “Little Giant” Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalog and attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner.

To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiraling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Ace Bomb (Catalog #78- 832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote’s prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.

In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote’s careful preparations to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant’s product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote;

1. Severe singing of the hair on the head, neck and muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration.
3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling and ashy disintegration.
5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.

We come now to the Acme Spring-powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff’s Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbra for analysis, but to date no explanation has been found for this product’s sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.

To increase the shoe’s thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote’s prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and- metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote’s prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release.

At this point, Defendant’s product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs uncoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.

The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came in contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time.

The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz, flatting of the cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote’s body tissues —- a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an off-key, accordion like wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote’s pursuit of a normal social life.
As the Count is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote’s work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant’s products, Mr. Coyote has no other source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.

Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorneys’ fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Total damages: thirty-eight million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.
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Horror Movie Wisdom
1. When it seems that you’ve killed the monster, never check to see if it’s really dead.

2. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

3. Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: it’s unlikely they’ll die easy, so be prepared.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, never go alone.

6. If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

7. If you’re running from the monster, you will most likely trip or fall. If you are female you will.

8. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine, especially if it is called Derry.

9. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

10. When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you’ll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.

11. People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don’t rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.

12. Do not call the police as they are either evil and will turn you in or will not believe you and laugh at you. Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.

13. If you are using a gun to combat the all-consuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you’ll run out just before you kill the monster (unless your name is Ash, in which case, you’ll never have to reload).

14. If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.

15. Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.

16. If you are a child, don’t panic! Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!

17. If you’ve beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you’re sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember burn, eat, blow up or otherwise utterly destroy him.
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Did Ya Ever Wonder
If quizzes are quizzical…
Then what are tests?

If you’re in hell, and are mad at someone…
Where do you tell them to go?

What do you say when someone says you’re in denial…
But you’re not?

If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything…
Wouldn’t you see through everything and actually see nothing?

How come u can kill a deer and put it on your wall…
But its illegal to keep them as a pet?

Everyone says “OK” to indicate agreement…
But what does OK actually mean?

Policemen deal with unique problems daily…
For Example: How do they handcuff a one-armed man?

If you firmly decide that you’re indecisive…
Which one are you?

If you tell someone they are being judgmental…
Aren’t you being judgmental yourself?

How come no matter what color the liquid is…
The froth is always white?

Can a guy whose real name is Nick…
Have a “Nick Name”?

If Dracula has no reflection…
How comes he always had such a straight part in his hair?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares…
Why did anyone bother to write a song about him?

In France when you ask for toast…
Do you get French Toast?

Why is it that lemon dish soap is made with real lemons…
But lemon juice has artificial flavoring?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and decide…
“I’ll squeeze these dangly things & drink what comes out”

When people in China give a formal dinner…
Exactly what do they call the “Good plates” they use?

If you try to fail and succeed…
What did you just do?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They’re both dogs

Are zebras black with white stripes…
Or white with black stripes?

What came first, the fruit…
Or the color orange?

If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn’t they do it best…
By not torturing themselves?

And if the above statement is true…
Doesn’t that make us all masochists?

OK, so Humpty Dumpty when splat off a wall…
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say he’s an egg?
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Go Away!!!
Here’s a list of phrases to use when you want to be left alone
(on long flights, at parties, bus rides, at the baseball games, etc)

• Yeah, I really miss my wife…but at least I have her skin to remember her by
• Have you ever tried cat meat?
• I just got out of prison. I’ll bet the kids at the playground really miss me
• Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth
• The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me
• My butt really itches!
• My shrink says flying helps offset my desire to mutilate woodland creatures
• Would you hold this messy Kleenex for me?
• My mother just told me we can’t sleep together anymore
• Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?
• Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?
• I get a proctological exam once a week, whether I need it or not
• This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary
• Oh damn, my diaper’s wet again!
• If I go unconscious, stick your finger down my throat – that’ll wake me up
• Wow, they could charge for that cavity search they gave me!
• I work for the city of an Gabriel and I drive a garbage truck
• I collect aluminum foil
• If me and my wife get divorced, are we still legally brother and sister?
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Hangover Ratings
* 1-star hangover

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You sleep in your own bed and when you wake up, there are no traffic cones in there with you.

You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.

Even vegetarians crave a cheeseburger and a basket of fries.

** 2-star hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.

The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.

Although you have a nice demeanor at the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the Net and writing junk e-mail.

*** 3-star hangover

Slight headache. Stomach feels like crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.

Anytime someone walks by your desk you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m.

Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a two-liter bottle of Coke, watching daytime TV.

You’ve had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, two burritos, and a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke, yet you haven’t peed once.

**** 4-star hangover

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might spew.

Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.

You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks and can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving.

Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class, circa 1976.

You would give a week’s pay for one of the following: home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so that you can go back to last night and change the fact that you went out.

You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

***** 5-star hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee sitting next to you.

Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.

You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.

Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.

You’d cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.

Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn’t even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.

You should have called in sick because, let’s face it, all you can manage to do is breathe… very gently.

****** 6-star hangover

You arrive home and climb into bed.

Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.

You get about two hours of sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.

You notice that your bed has been cleared for takeoff and is flying relentlessly around the room.

No matter what you do now, you’re going to vomit.

You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht, fully sailing. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls, knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.

If you are lucky, you remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short-lived.

With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died down to 15-minute intervals, but your body won’t relent.

You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.

It is now dawn and you pass by your disgusted partner getting up for the day, as you try to climb into bed. She abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.

You reluctantly accept her advice and take a shower. Work is simply not an option.

The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.

You vow never to touch a drop of alcohol again, and who knows, for the next two or three hours you might even succeed.
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The Two Cows
Since the world situation is making us all think about how governments, religions and business effect us, this simplified explanation might help us understand better.

You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.

You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

You have two cows. You worship them.
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