Do You Want To… (Frozen Quarantine Parody)
Fairy Tales Rewritten
This is my version of how fairy tales and children’s stories should have gone. It points out the absurdity and foolishness that we just take for granted when we tell or read the story to our kids. Some may claim the stories are metaphors and have hidden lessons in them, but I maintain that a good story, even one with a metaphor or lesson, should still make sense.
I’m not saying these stories would be more entertaining this way, but I derive a sense of entertainment from rewriting them to be more logical.
1. Goldilocks – The bears lock the door when they leave and Goldilocks can’t get in. The End.
2. Little Red Riding Hood – The wolf eats Little Red Riding Hood when he meets her in the forest instead of going through all the trouble of taking a shortcut and impersonating her grandmother. The End.
3. The Three Little Pigs – The wolf eats all three pigs while they’re building their houses. The End.
4. All Curious George books – The man with the yellow hat takes responsibility for his pet instead of leaving him unsupervised. George no longer gets into trouble. The End.
5. The Wizard of Oz – Dorothy trades her slippers for the Wicked Witch’s broom and goes home. The End.
6. Rumpelstiltskin – When the king asks the miller if it’s true that his daughter can spin straw into gold the miller says, “Of course not, I was being metaphorical.” The End.
7. Cinderella – Cinderella goes to the ball in her normal clothes and even the shallow Prince can see she’s beautiful. The End.
You Don’t Know Me Do You?
Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Girl: I am the principal’s daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Boy: Good! *Walks away*
Healthy Insanity For Retirement
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars
2. On all your check stubs, write, ‘For Marijuana’
3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get
4. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat – be serious about it
5. Sing along at the opera
6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I won, I won”
7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot while yelling, “Run for your lives! They’re loose!”
8. Tell your children over dinner: “Due to the economy, we’re going to have to let one of you go”
9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
10. Go to a department store fitting room and yell, “There’s no toilet paper in here”
A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing a young girl as she walked by the construction site.
She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking.
Annoyed the worker yelled “Well you’re an ugly bitch anyway!”
The girl turned around and replied, “It must be terrible when even an ugly bitch won’t give you the time of day?”
Interesting Shower Thoughts
01. When our generation is old we will still subconsciously be trying to keep our electronics from getting wet even if everything is waterproof.
02. If a sloth were to clap, it will always sound sarcastic.
03. People routinely criticize musicians for only being in it for the money, but wouldn’t dream of criticizing a plumber for not being in it for the love of plumbing.
04. Scooby-Doo taught kids there’s no such thing as ghosts, but it isn’t any more comforting to think that shadow chilling in your bedroom corner at night may just be a deranged theme park janitor in a monster costume.
05. Jurassic Park would have worked if they only cloned the herbivore dinosaurs.
06. A truly “smart” TV would have the option to automatically turn the volume down during commercials.
07. It takes 250 million years for the sun to orbit the milky way. So technically, dinosaurs lived on the opposite side of the galaxy from us.
08. If homosexuality occurs naturally in almost all animals, you’ve probably seen a lesbian pigeon at some point.
09. There are probably people out there who wanted a surprise party for their birthday their whole life and never got one. If they asked it wouldn’t be a surprise.
10. Cigarettes only look cool in movies and TV shows because you can’t smell them.
11. Not pausing your music when you take off your headphones makes you feel like you’re wasting the music.
12. As USB-c becomes the standard, one day, we will all start throwing our MicroUSB connectors in boxes and keeping them forever for no reason just like our parents used to store VCR cables.
13. We never really actually grow up. We just decide how to pretend in public and that becomes our personality.
14. As toys make no effort to hide from security cameras in the Toy Story universe, there must be a secret society aware of their sentience.
15. “I heard it on the news” Is not a reliable explanation anymore.
16. You want to go to bed to end the damn day, but you don’t want to go to bed to make tomorrow come faster.
17. Assassin’s Creed is probably the only game where glitches and bugs could be canon.
18. Harry Potter’s Universe has so many magical creatures and animals, but somehow all 4 houses in Hogwarts have “muggle world” animals as their mascots.
19. If you lose a toe, trimming your toenails becomes 10% easier.
20. Edibles don’t kick in until they hear you talking shit about how they’re weak and don’t work.
21. When we write with a pencil on paper on top of a wooden desk, we are using a dead tree to hold a dead tree, which we write on with another dead tree.
22. The bacteria inside Neil Armstrong were the first non-human life to land on the moon. And Neil Armstrong was their spacesuit.
23. If muscles move by electric impulses than full-body paralysis just turns you into an acoustic human.
24. Passing in your sleep is the most desired but scariest to consider just slipping from existence without even knowing.
25. A light sabers center of gravity would stay the same whether it was turned on or off.
The Only Weight Loss Plan That Works
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.
So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.” As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable.
This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.
This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up.
The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”
The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
Star Wars Vs Star Trek
Top ten reasons why the Star Wars characters would kick butt in the Star Trek universe:
10) In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on “STUN.”
9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
7) One word: Light sabers.
6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
5) The Death Star doesn’t care if a world is class “M” or not.
4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named “Slave.”
1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.
Banned Children’s Books
1. Dad’s New Wife Timothy Pop!
2. Goes the Hamster…and Other Great Microwave Games
3. How to Become the Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
4. Safe Sex and the Zip-Lock Bag
5. Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets
6. Egghead – and Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty
7. The Complete Set Of “Mother Got Goosed” Nursery Rhymes
8. Peter Rabbit’s Frisky Adventures
9. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
10. The Tickling Babysitter
11. Babar Meets the Taxidermist
12. Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
13. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
14. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
15. Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Mom’s Purse
How Did You Get Into This Race Anyway
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
Ten Reasons To Buy A New Car
10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
9. Instead of an air bag, there’s a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a mo-ped.
7. The 15 minute JiffyLube needs to keep your car for 3 days.
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, “Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?”
5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal “The Club.”
4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
3. For the last five years, you’ve had to settle for making “vroom, vroom” noises while in the driveway.
2. You keep losing dates on left turns.