You Know You’ve Been in College Too Long When…
• You consider McDonald’s “real food.”
• You actually like doing laundry at home.
• 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends.
• It starts getting late on the weeknights.
• Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.
• You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it.
• You’d rather clean than study.
• Half the time you don’t wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.
• Computer Solitaire is more than a game it’s a way of life.
• You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps.
• You know the pizza boy by name.
• You go to sleep when it’s light and get up when it’s dark.
• You live for getting mail. (E-mail included)
• Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.
• Prank phone calls become funny again.
• Wal-Mart is the coolest store.
• World War III could take place and you’d be clueless.
• You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.
• Black lights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.
• Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.
• You find out milk crates have so many uses.
• The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night).
Caveman Tech Support
The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:
This fire help. Me Groog
Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.
You have flint and stone?
You hit them together?
Fire not work
(sigh) Make spark?
No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.
*sigh* You change rock?
I change nothing
Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn’t keep Lorto from make fire, right?
Job Interview Quotations
Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.
• An applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
• An applicant wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
• An applicant fell and broke his arm during the interview.
• A candidate announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office.
• An applicant explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.
• A candidate said he had never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
• A balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
• An applicant said that if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
• An applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
• A candidate brought a large dog to interview.
• An applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed while standing up.
• One candidate dozed off during interview.
• The employers were also asked to list the “Most unusual” questions that have been asked by job candidates.
• “What is it that you people do at this company?”
• “What is the company motto?”
• “Why aren’t you in a more interesting business?”
• “What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?”
• “Why do you want references?”
• “Do I have to dress for the next interview?”
• “I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?”
• “Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?”
• “Will the company pay to relocate my horse?”
• “Does your health insurance cover pets?”
• “Would it be a problem if I’m angry most of the time?”
• “Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?”
• “Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?”
• “Why am I here?”
• Also included are a number of unusual statements made by candidates during the interview process.
• “I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.”
• “At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.”
• “I feel uneasy indoors.”
• “Sometimes I feel like smashing things.”
• “Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.”
• “I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.”
• “I get excited very easily.”
• “Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.”
• “I am fascinated by fire.”
• “I like tall women.”
• “People are always watching me.”
• “If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.”
• “Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.”
• “I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.”
• “I never get hungry.”
• “I know who is responsible for most of my troubles.”
• “If the pay was right, I’d travel with the carnival.”
• “I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.”
• “My legs are really hairy.”
• “I think I’m going to throw-up.”
New Words to Beverly Hillbilly’s
Sing to tune of “The Beverly Hillbilly’s”
New words – old song
Come listen to a story ’bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, “they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer…”
Windows, that is… PC’s… Internet…
Well, the first thing ya know ol’ Jed’s an engineer.
The kinfolk said “Jed, move away from here”.
They said “California is the place ya oughta be”,
So he packed up his disks and moved to Silicon Valley…
Intel, that is…Pentium … big amusement park…
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him lots of donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said “your project’s late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we’ll work you 52!”
OT, that is… unpaid… no personal days…
The weeks rolled by and things were looking pretty bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple… “We’ll work him 66!”
Tired, that is… stressed out… no social life…
Months turned to years and his hair was turning gray.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is… de-briefed…unemployed…
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you’re told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you’re old.
So gather up your friends and start up your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is… Bill Gates… Steve Jobs…
Y’all come back now… ya hear’
College Entrance Exam – College Football Player Edition
Time Limit: 3 weeks
YOU MUST ANSWER TWO OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY!
1.) What language is spoken in France?
2.) Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.
3.) Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army
(D) WRITE A PLAY
4.) What religion is the Pope? (Check only one)
5.) Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6.) What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?
7.) How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)
8.) What are people in America’s far north called?
9.) Spell – CAT, DOG, PIG
10.) Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the sixth. Name the previous five.
11.) Where does rain come from?
(b) 7-11 stores
(c) cats and dogs
(D) THE SKY
12.) Can you explain Einstein’s theory of relativity?
13.) What are coat hangers used for?
14.) The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15.) Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium.
Spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS
16.) Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17.Which part of America produces the most oranges?
18.) If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?
19.) What is the phone number for 911?
20.) How many Chinese Urns in a dozen?
21.) If Sacramento is the state capitol of California, what is the state capitol of California?
22.) Where does wood come from?
23.) If I have 10 dollars and I give you 10 dollars, how much money do I have left?
Using your fingers, count from 1-5.
Top Five Homework Excuses
5: Did we have homework? No one told me we had homework!
4: The textbook didn’t have any answers in it.
3: It spontaneously combusted as soon as I finished it!
2: My brother was sick so he couldn’t do it for me.
1: I’m a teenager I know EVERYTHING
Questions For Retirees
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call exercise, concentration and work?
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What’s a Retirees idea of a perfect retirement?
Answer: When the wife still brings in a paycheck!
Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I’m sure they can relate, AND
… if you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to!!!
Some guy bought a new refrigerator for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: “Free to good home. You want it, you take it”. For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: “Fridge for sale $50″ The next day someone stole it. Caution! . . . . . . . . . .These people Vote
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, “Does the sun rise in the North?” When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up with that stuff”. . She ALSO votes!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.” He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?” Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific” . . . . . .He ALSO votes!
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but “didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving” . . . . . She ALSO votes!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car It’s designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. My sister ALSO votes!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount . . . .He ALSO votes!
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, “Wouldn’t the chain rip out every time she turned her head?” I explained that a person’s nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. . . . . . . . . . . My friend ALSO votes!
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. “Now,” she asked me, “has your plane arrived yet?”. . . . . . . SHE ALSO votes!
While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He though about it for some time before responding. “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 . . . . .. . .Yep, he votes too.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot?”
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE……
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what’s bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both like dominance games.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Neither understands what you see in cats.