In honor of 4/20 day
The Best 4/20 Weed Jokes
April 20th… 4/20… It’s the yearly celebration of the mostly-illegal substance marijuana. In celebration, I’ve compiled a list of some of the funniest weed-related jokes (culled from various websites), so that when you’re deep into your celebration, you’ll have something to awkwardly laugh at. You stoner.
How do you know when you have smoked enough pot?
When you start looking around for the directions on how to use the lighter.
How do you know your a pothead?
You studied five days for a urine test?
What do you call a person who remembers what they did at Woodstock?
How do you know you are a true stoner?
When your bong gets washed more than your dishes.
What is Reality?
An illusion caused by a lack of good weed.
What is the difference between a drunk guy and a stoner at a stop sign?
The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green.
What do you call a stoner that just broke up with his girlfriend?
“I like smoking a pipe of sweet hemp.” – Abraham Lincoln
“They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you’re high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it’s not worth the f-ing effort. There is a difference.” – Bill Hicks
“Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit . . . unnatural?” – Bill Hicks
“Well, as I understand it, the main supporters are beer companies and the pharmaceutical companies. I’d like them to show me the dead bodies from marijuana. But they can’t because there aren’t any.” -Jack Herer
“I think people need to be educated to the fact that marijuana is not a drug. Marijuana is an herb and a flower. God put it here. If He put it here and He wants it to grow, what gives the government the right to say that God is wrong?” -Willie Nelson
God made marijuana, man made beer, who do you trust?
Alerts To Threats In 2012 Europe
By John Cleese
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person
A final thought: Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
How I Became A Pilot
One of the questions from the career placement test given applicants for a Military Commission was important.
“Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when erect.”
All those who spelled SPINE became Doctors, the rest went to Flight School.
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn’t you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
How did he do that?
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Good for nothing lazy so and so’s!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is….
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
You Really Thought It Was You?
A gentleman of 80 years needs to make his annual check by the doctor, who asks him how he feels.
“I have never been better in my life.” the old man answered.
“I just married a girl of eighteen. She is already pregnant and I will soon be a father. What do you think? ”
The doctor thinks for a moment and says:
“Let me tell you a story. I met a guy who was an avid hunter. He had never missed a hunting season. But one day he left the house hastily and took his umbrella instead of his rifle.
When he was in the woods, a bear suddenly rushed towards him.
He took the umbrella, pressed it firmly and pointed it at the bear.
And you know what happened? ”
“No.” replied the old man.
The doctor continued: “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”
“That’s impossible!” cried the old man. “Someone else must have shot it!”
“That’s exactly what I’m trying to explain!” replied the doctor.
Why It’s Better To Be A Woman!
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies … (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we’re gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE’RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It’s possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we’re dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don’t have to memorize the movies “Caddyshack” or “Fletch” to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
When A Fly Falls Into A Cup Of Coffee…
The Italian – throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.
The German – carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.
The Frenchman – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
The Chinese – eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
The Russian – Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.
The Israeli – sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea, and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.
The Palestinian – blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of tea to the Palestinian.
Ten Things To Ponder
Life is sexually transmitted.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
Some people are like a Slinky…not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And Still The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers; what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
…and as someone recently said to me: “Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last long”