Real World Problems That Only ‘Star Wars’ Jedi Deal With
10 Ways America Will Be Different Under President Trump
So it looks like Donald Trump is going to defy expectations and sweep his way into the White House. And you thought Bush Jr. was bad! In anticipation of being shut down by the FBI as soon as he takes the Oath of office, here are Friday Fun Stuff’s 10 ways life under President Trump will be different.
1. The country is renamed The United States of TrumPerica. It’s all about branding, people!
2. All government buildings will be gold-plated because if it’s not bright and shiny, it’s just not classy.
3. There’ll be a hostile takeover of Canada, which will henceforth be known as New TrumPerica. Respecting sovereignty is for disgusting, little, weak, pathetic babies!
4. Every entity that receives federal dollars is to be named after Trump, and that includes all the 50 States.
5. It will be illegal to mock Trump’s hair. But to show he’s a man of the people he’s going to make it illegal to mock anybody’s hair. So go ahead and cancel that expensive salon appointment.
6. C-SPAN will be renamed Trump TV and will show continuous footage of Trump’s glorious presidency. When he’s asleep or getting down to business with the sexy First Lady, there’ll be reruns of The Apprentice. Since you’ll obviously be glued to Trump TV 24/7, all other TV stations will be closed down.
7. Trump’s books will be bought by every household under threat of severe tax penalty earning Trump billions while in office – just like Mein Kampf did for another insane populist leader we’ve presumably all completely forgotten about.
8. All proposed legislation before Congress must be able to fit on a bumpersticker. If not, You’re Fired, Senator or Representative!
9. Beauty pageants will be official federal holidays. If you’re a dad with a little hottie for a daughter that you’d be dating if she didn’t come from your loins, it’s now your patriotic duty to sign her up. And the judge will be the President – how cool is that!
10. What about Megyn Kelly, you ask? We’ve never heard of her – just like the terrified citizens of the Soviet Union never heard of all those people Stalin made disappear.
Hilarious Tweets About Donald Trump
• Donald Trump is what happens when you tell a child all his ideas are special.
• I’m tempted to vote for Donald Trump just to hear the phrase “Secretary of State Gary Busey.”
• Donald Trump is the kind of asshole other assholes look at and say “Now THERE’S an asshole.”
• If it was anybody but Trump saying all that shit, I’d think, “oh, they’re just trying to get on Celebrity Apprentice.”
• TRUMP: my wall will be ten feet tall
BUSH: eleven feet
RUBIO: part of my wall goes underground
TRUMP: holy shit
• Once it’s revealed that Donald Trump is a discarded leather jacket brought to life by an evil wizard, things will return to normal.
• Trump is like clickbait decided to take human form.
• Donald Trump is like that really rich crazy uncle nobody wants to talk to but you hope when he dies he leaves your parents some money.
• I don’t care what your political affiliation is – it’s impossible not to enjoy the Google image search, “Donald Trump piñatas.”
• Trump: Im gonna make this country great again
Trump: Go fuck yourself that’s how
Fox: finally someone not afraid to speak their mind
• Donald Trump is basically a YouTube comment section running for president
• Wait. WAIT! Donald Trump is an ACTUALLY a real person, and people REALLY want him to become president of the USA? Holy shit.
• Donald Trump seems like the type of guy who, in another life, would yell at a cashier because the pair of jeans he wants isn’t on sale yet.
• “Jesus…good guy. I would’ve sealed his tomb better. Cheap craftsmanship, a boulder that can just be rolled away.” — Trump.
• Listening to Trump talk about issues is like listening to a student talk about Moby Dick when they haven’t read it yet.
• It’s easy to joke that Donald Trump is a “clown” or a “moron” or an “egomaniac.” Or a “turd boy” or a “weeping wound.” Or a “dog fucker” or…
• It’s like Donald Trump is running for the office of America’s Angry Racist Grandma.
• With all that talk of immigration, has anyone questioned what planet Trump came from?
• Trump’s run is like a car wreck and the car keeps flipping endlessly. The car also hates Muslims.
A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”
The agent replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “Do you have any idea who I am?”
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. “May I have your attention please?” she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate.”
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, “F___ you!”
Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to stand in line for that, too.”
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.
Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players!
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly – or start cheating.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it can not count, criticize, or laugh.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf got it’s name because all of the other four-letter words were taken.
CARP- Canadian Association of Retired People Questions and Answers from CARP Forum
Q: Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under FICTION.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done, you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible… Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: “And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt….”
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-70 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 70-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 70-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: “Gosh, I remember these!”
SMILE, You’ve still got your sense of humor, haven’t you?
Testimony of a Police Officer
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial…
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station … a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us!
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Wife: “I mended that hole in your pocket last night after you’d gone to bed, dear. Now, I ask you, am I not the thoughtful little wife?”
Husband: “Well, yes, you’re thoughtful enough, but tell me, dear, how did you discover there was a hole in my pocket?”
Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said to his wife:
“Boy, you sure have got fat in four years.”
A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, “Honey, are you ready yet?”
Shouting back, the woman replies, “For crying out loud, I’ve been telling you for the last half hour that I’ll be ready in a minute!
A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained. “Tell me some good news for once.”
“All right, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”
A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, “Who’s this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?”
“That’s your father.”
“Then who’s that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?”
A state trooper stopped Jill for going 15 miles over the speed limit.
After he handed her a ticket, Jill asked, “Don’t you give out warnings?”
“Yes, Ma’am,” he replied. They’re all up and down the road. They say, ‘Speed limit 65.’”
A husband: A person who expects his wife to be perfect and to understand why she isn’t.
A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, “I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease; it’s just that you look so much like my late son.”
He answered, “That’s okay.”
“I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out “Good bye, Mom” as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.”
She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, “Goodbye, Mother.” The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day, he went to pay for his groceries.
“That comes to $121.85,” said the clerk.
“How come so much? I only bought 5 items.”
The clerk replied, “Yeah, but your Mother said you’d pay for her things, too.”
Rules of the Sky
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.
4. It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you’ve made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the Earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that’s going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to appeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.