Jokes – Quotes

Celebrities Say The Darndest Things
“There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.”
Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
Sharon Stone

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she’s reading.”
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

“My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.”
Dan Rather (News anchorman)

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem?”
Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
Tiger Woods

“I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.”
Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.”
Axel Rose (Guns ‘n’ Roses)

“Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.”
Rev. Jesse Jackson

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
Robin Williams

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
Dustin Hoffman

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”
Rod Stewart
click here to close

15 Best Homer Simpson Quotes. Ever.
1. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
2. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
3. What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.
4. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.
5. Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
6. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin… but what good does that do me?
7. I hope I didn’t brain my damage.
8. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.
9. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
10. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
11. Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
12. Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
13. How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
14. If you don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
15. Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk
click here to close
A doctor tells a guy: “I have bad news. You have Alzheimer’s, and you have cancer.” Guy says, “Thank God I don’t have cancer.” – Roseanne

I was watching Gene Simmons’ TV show, “Family Jewels.” Or as it’s known in the business, ” ‘The Osbournes’ Without the Talented Father.” – Lisa Lampanelli

Barack Obama bowled a 37. Is he black enough for you now? – Bill Maher

I got a teenage daughter and a menopausal wife. One’s getting breasts, one’s getting whiskers. My life is over. – Bobby Slayton

To America, there’s just something about Charlie Sheen working with children that “feels right.” – Conan O’Brien

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. I just moved his chair closer to the one we already have. – Wendy Liebman

On his daughter’s diaper: There was so much poop. It didn’t look like a baby’s poop. It looked like a 55-year-old alcoholic took a dump – Louis C.K.

I was a kid during the height of the Cold War. If I did something wrong, my parents just accused me of being a communist. – Jonathan Katz

I’m still in my first marriage. I know, it’s wrong to talk about it so temporary like that. My current husband hates it when I do that. – Ophira Eisenberg

I never liked Eliot Spitzer until he got busted with a hooker. Then I was sorry to see him leave office. I felt like there was finally someone in the government who represented my interests. – Jim Norton

My girlfriend said, “I hate it when you finish my sentences.” So I said, “Period.” – Sean Keane

Why do they put alcohol on the arm of a death row inmate before they give him the needle? Are they afraid he might get an infection? – George Carlin

Almost all serial killers are men. That’s ’cause women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years. – Robert Duchaine

My mom says to me, “Honey, I don’t want you to think I have diabetes because I’m fat. I have diabetes because it runs in our family.” I said, “No, mom, you have diabetes because no one runs in our family!” – Carolyn Castiglia

I just got engaged. My fiancée won’t take my name because “Lisa Levin” sounds awful. So she’s just going to remain Lisa Hitler. I understand – it’s a family name. – Todd Levin

I hate to travel. I guess it’s because my father used to beat me with a globe. – Dave Attell
click here to close

Groucho Marx Quotes
Q: How do you feel about women’s rights?
A: I like either side of them.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, mis-diagnosing it and then mis-applying the wrong remedies.

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends . . . may they never meet!

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

I sent the club a wire stating, “Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.”

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

There is only one way to find out if a man is honest . . . ask him. If he says ‘yes’, you know he is crooked.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing . . . if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

Time wounds all heels.

Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

Oh are you from Wales?? Do you know a fella named Jonah?? He used to live in whales for a while.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

This man has the mind of a 4-year old boy … and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Look, if you don’t like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can’t find that, you can leave in a taxi.

Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren’t developed . . . But we’re going back next week.

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Outside of a dog a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s to dark to read.

She’s afraid that if she leaves, she’ll become the life of the party.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

“Call me a cab!” Groucho replies, “OK, you’re a cab.”

I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I’ll dance with the cows till you come home.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said “I was just whispering in her mouth.”

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit . . . retire!

You get a canoe later and I’ll paddle you.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
click here to close

Failed Technology Predictions
Throughout history man has been making predictions of the future. With the advent of technology, the predictions moved away from religious topics to scientific and technological. Unfortunately for the speakers, many of these failed predictions have been recorded for all future generations to laugh at. Here is a selection of some of the best.

1. “The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys.” — Sir William Preece, Chief Engineer, British Post Office, 1878.

2. “This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” — A memo at Western Union, 1878 (or 1876).

3. “The world potential market for copying machines is 5000 at most.” — IBM, to the eventual founders of Xerox, saying the photocopier had no market large enough to justify production, 1959.

4. “I must confess that my imagination refuses to see any sort of submarine doing anything but suffocating its crew and floundering at sea.” — HG Wells, British novelist, in 1901.

5. “X-rays will prove to be a hoax.” — Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society, 1883.

6. “The idea that cavalry will be replaced by these iron coaches is absurd. It is little short of treasonous.” — Comment of Aide-de-camp to Field Marshal Haig, at tank demonstration, 1916.

7. “How, sir, would you make a ship sail against the wind and currents by lighting a bonfire under her deck? I pray you, excuse me, I have not the time to listen to such nonsense.” — Napoleon Bonaparte, when told of Robert Fulton’s steamboat, 1800s.

8. “Fooling around with alternating current is just a waste of time. Nobody will use it, ever.” — Thomas Edison, American inventor, 1889 (Edison often ridiculed the arguments of competitor George Westinghouse for AC power).

9. “Home Taping Is Killing Music” — A 1980s campaign by the BPI, claiming that people recording music off the radio onto cassette would destroy the music industry.

10. “Television won’t last. It’s a flash in the pan.” — Mary Somerville, pioneer of radio educational broadcasts, 1948.

11. “[Television] won’t be able to hold on to any market it captures after the first six months. People will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.” — Darryl Zanuck, movie producer, 20th Century Fox, 1946.

12. “When the Paris Exhibition [of 1878] closes, electric light will close with it and no more will be heard of it.” – Oxford professor Erasmus Wilson

13. “Dear Mr. President: The canal system of this country is being threatened by a new form of transportation known as ‘railroads’ … As you may well know, Mr. President, ‘railroad’ carriages are pulled at the enormous speed of 15 miles per hour by ‘engines’ which, in addition to endangering life and limb of passengers, roar and snort their way through the countryside, setting fire to crops, scaring the livestock and frightening women and children. The Almighty certainly never intended that people should travel at such breakneck speed.” — Martin Van Buren, Governor of New York, 1830.

14. “Rail travel at high speed is not possible because passengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia.” — Dr Dionysys Larder (1793-1859), professor of Natural Philosophy and Astronomy, University College London.

15. “The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to no one in particular?” — Associates of David Sarnoff responding to the latter’s call for investment in the radio in 1921.
click here to close

Quotes From Famous Women
•I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde. – Dolly Parton
•You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. – Erica Jong
•I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job. – Roseanne
•I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. – Susie Loucks
•This guy says, “I’m perfect for you, ’cause I’m a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man.” I said, “Oh, a gay trucker?” – Judy Tenuta
•I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. – Wendy Liebman
•Never lend your car to anyone whom you have given birth to. – Erma Bombeck
•I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead. – Sue Kolinsky
•I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because the water is cold in there. And I’m like: How did my mother know THAT? – Wendy Liebman
•I think – therefore I’m single. – Lizz Winstead
•Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr
•When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. – Elayne Boosler
•Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. – Bella Abzug
•In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. – Margaret Thatcher
•If I were going to convert to any religion, I would probably choose Catholicism, because it, at least, has female saints, and the Virgin Mary. – Margaret Atwood
•I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. – Gloria Steinem
•Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. - Gloria Steinem
•Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door, and just visit now and then. – Katharine Hepburn
•I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home, which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog, which growls every morning, a parrot, which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. – Marie Corelli
•Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. – Baroness Edith Summerskill
•If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? – Linda Ellerbee
•I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
click here to close
Some Thoughts On Sex, Beer And Drinking, by the World's Greatest Scholars
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
- Tom Clancy

You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.
- Steve Martin

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damned good.
Drew Carey

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
- Woody Allen

It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
- George Burns

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
- Camille Paglia

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
- Lynn Lavner

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
- Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
- Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.
- William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
- Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
- Ernest Hemingway

Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
- Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
- Ambrose Bierce

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
- Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
- W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
- W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
- Michelle Mastrolacasa

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
- Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
- Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!
- Brian O’Rourke

You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
- Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
- Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
- Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
- Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
- Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
- Humphrey Bogart

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
- Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer.
- Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
- Dave Barry

All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.
- Homer Simpson

The problem is that God gave men a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time.
- Robin Williams

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month I can be myself.
- Roseanne Barr

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
- Robert De Niro
click here to close

What Shakespeare Really Meant
William Shakespeare was a very wise man. But you’d never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words. Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare’s quotes into modern day English. It’s about time we were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe.

The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.

Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have s ex with your girlfriend during her period.

The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let’s kill all the lawyers. Really.

Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It’s OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would.

Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.

Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.

I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.

Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you’re sc rewed.

They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she’s really a man, listen to them.

That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you’re desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex.

Heaven hath a hand in these events.
Translation: How else would you explain that Paris Hilton video?

O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn’t necessarily the best policy when it comes to size.

The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.

I’ll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don’t expect me to call the day after.

Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country.

Love’s gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Translation: With a little help from our friends at Massengill, that is.

Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you’re telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.

‘Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Nooners rock.

My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You’ve never had twins and you never will. Get over it.
click here to close

When Insults Had Class
”He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
– Winston Churchill

”A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
– Winston Churchill

”I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
– Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
– William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

”Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
– Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

”Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
– Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

”He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
– Abraham Lincoln

”I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
– Groucho Marx

”I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
– Mark Twain

”He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
– Oscar Wilde

”I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend….if you have one.”
– George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

”Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second…if there is one.”
– Winston Churchill, in response

”I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
– Stephen Bishop

”He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
– John Bright

”I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
– Irvin S. Cobb

”He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
– Samuel Johnson

”He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
– Paul Keating

”He had delusions of adequacy.”
– Walter Kerr

”There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”
– Jack E. Leonard

”He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”
– Robert Redford

”They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”
– Thomas Brackett Reed

”He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”
– James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

”In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
– Charles, Count Talleyrand

”He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
– Forrest Tucker

”Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
– Mark Twain

”His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
– Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
– Oscar Wilde

”He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts…for support rather than illumination.”
– Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

”He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
– Billy Wilder
click here to close

Anecdotes By Famous People
One day while Groucho Marx was working in his garden (dressed in well-worn gardening attire), a wealthy woman pulled up in a Cadillac and endeavored to persuade the “gardener” to come and work for her. “How much does the lady of the house pay you?” she asked.
“Oh, I don’t get paid in dollars.” Groucho replied, glancing up. “The lady of the house just a lets me sleep with her.”
Marx, Groucho [Julius]; US comedian, member of the Marx Brothers

Oliver Herford was traveling on a crowded trolley one day with his young nephew seated on his lap. Indeed, so crowded was the car that when an attractive blonde woman later embarked, she was obliged to stand.
Herford, admiring the fine-featured woman, turned to his nephew: “My boy,” he asked, “why don’t you get up and give the lady your seat?”
Herford, Oliver; US humorist, illustrator, and writer.

In his capacity as a comedian on “You Bet Your Life” Groucho Marx interviewed many of the show’s participants. He once met a certain Mrs. Story, who claimed to have given birth to twenty-two children.
“I love my husband.” Mrs. Story said by way of explanation.
“I like my cigar, too,” Groucho replied, “but I take it out once in a while!”
Marx, Groucho [Julius]; US comedian, member of the Marx Brothers

While working as an impecunious young reporter in Virginia City, Mark Twain was walking down the street one day, a cigar box tucked under his arm, when he encountered a wealthy matron of his acquaintance. “You promised me,” she said reproachfully, “that you would give up smoking.”
“Madam,” Twain replied, “this box does not contain cigars. I’m just moving.”
Twain, Mark [Samuel Langhorne Clemens]; US humorist, writer & lecturer.

Taft once found himself stranded at a small country railway station. Informed that the express train would stop only for a large group, Taft wired the conductor: “Stop at Hicksville. Large party waiting to catch train.”
When the train stopped, Taft boarded and turned to the confused conductor. “You can go ahead.” he declared. “I am the large party.”
Taft, William Howard; 27th president of the United States. (Incase you don’t know President Taft weighed about 300 pounds.)

Of the Greek Prime Minister Plasteras, Winston Churchill once remarked: “Well, I hope he doesn’t have feet of clay, too.”
Churchill, Sir Winston; British statesman, Prime Minister.

Samuel Goldwyn arrived in his office one morning and found on his desk a copy of The Making of Yesterday: The Diaries of Raoul de Roussy de Sales, 1938-1942, which someone had suggested for possible film adaptation.
Goldwyn examined the volume with astonished glee. “How do you like that!” he exclaimed. “Four years old and the kid keeps a diary!”
Goldwyn, Samuel; Cofounder of Goldwyn Pictures & MGM.

Billy Wilder, visiting Paris for the opening of ‘Some Like It Hot’, was asked by his wife to send back a few things: some Charvet ties for a friend and a bidet for herself.
Some time later, Wilder cabled her from Paris: “Charvet ties on way but impossible to obtain bidet. Suggest handstand in shower.”
Wilder, Billy [Samuel]; US screenwriter and film director.

Lucy Lawless was once asked what Xena (her character on Xena, Warrior Princess) would make of Superman.
“Xena would probably think [he] is a fruit.” she declared.
“She’d distract him with something like, ‘Hey, look at that run in your tights!’ – then stuff him back into his telephone booth.”
Lawless, Lucy; American actress, Xena, Warrior Princess

Stephanie March, perhaps most noted for her role on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, was often asked about legal issues.
“If I could make laws, I would devote my life to bringing the phone company to its knees.” she once declared. “In the time it took them to install a fax line, I could have had several children.”
March, Stephanie; American actress, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

Chris Evert Lloyd was renowned for her incredible powers of concentration. During a match at a junior tournament, Chris repeatedly ran into a chair which had inadvertently been left near the back line.
After the match she was asked, “Why didn’t you move the chair back against the fence?”
Replied Miss Lloyd: “What chair?”
Lloyd, Chris[tine] Evert; US tennis player, Wimbledon singles champion

So slim was the outfit chosen by Anna Kournikova for her GQ cover shoot that production artists were obliged to “lend her a little cover.”
“My manager wants me to dress like a nun,” Kournikova declared, “and I want to look like a teenager.”
Kournikova, Anna; Russian tennis player
click here to close

Confucius Says
• Man who run in front of car get tired.
• Man who run behind car get exhausted.
• Man with one chopstick go hungry.
• Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.
• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
• War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
• Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
• Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
• Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
• Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.
• Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
click here to close
George Carlin Quotes
• As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
• Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
• I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
• I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
• Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
• They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• No one ever says, “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.
• If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
• What’s all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. You probably need chemical intervention or brain surgery. Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me.
• Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
• I like Florida. Everything is in the 80′s. The temperatures, the ages, and the IQ’s.
• The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
• The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
• If a man smiles all the time he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
• Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
click here to close
Quotes From Bob Hope
• You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
• Middle Age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
• I’m so old they’ve cancelled my blood type.
• I thought ‘Deep Throat’ was a movie about a giraffe.
• I do benefits for all religions – I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
• I love to go to Washington, if only to be nearer to my money.
• If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.
• When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor’s Orphanage – he shot both his parents and moved in.
• I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.
• A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
• I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything till noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap.
• I must say the Senator’s victory in Wisconsin was a triumph for democracy. It proves that a millionaire has just as good a chance as anyone else.
• I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
• If I have to lay an egg for my country, I’ll do it.
• Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.
• Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning.
• My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar – I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
• People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
• When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
• She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.
click here to close
Stupid Quotes
I intend to open this country up to democracy, and anyone who is against that, I will jail.
- General Joao Baptista Figueiredo, president – Brazil, 1979

Ball handling and dribbling are my strongest weaknesses.
- David Thompson, Denver Nuggets player

I’m not a snob. Ask anybody. Well, anybody who matters.
- rock star Simon LeBon of Duran Duran

Send all the details. Never mind the facts.
- telegram from the editor of the old New York World to his Washington correspondent

That is true — but not absolutely true.
- Montreal mayor Jean Drapeau

I have not reneged on my promise. I have changed my mind.
- New York gubernatorial candidate Pierre Rinfret

We are launching this innovation for the first time.
- New York City Mayor Jimmy Walker

It’s not a matter of life and death. It’s more important than that.
- Lou Duva, on the upcoming fight of his protégé against boxer Mike Tyson

If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final.
- singer Cyndi Lauper, during an MTV interview

That picture was taken out of context.
- Jeff Innis, NY Mets pitcher, on a bad picture taken of him

I don’t like to look back in retrospect.
- Vince Ferragamo, Los Angeles Rams quarterback

Then you add two forkfuls of cooking oil…
- directions given on television’s “The French Chef”

Gentlemen, I have nothing to say. Any questions?
- hockey player Phil Watson to reporters

And Helena got six inches during the night… Helena, Montana, that is!
- weatherperson on KHAR-TV, Alaska

Depositing the room key into another person is prohibited.
- sign displayed in a Japanese Hotel

I have lied in good faith.
- Bernard Tapie, French politician

The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies.
Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated.

- instructions posted in a river cruise ship; Suir River, Ireland

I feel like the oldest ovary-producing person in America.

- actress Susan Sarandon, mother of three children

You always write it’s bombing, bombing, bombing. It’s not bombing, it’s air support.
- U.S. Air Force Colonel David Opfer, air attaché in Cambodia

You can’t just let nature run wild.
- Wally Hickel, former governor of Alaska

Have we gone beyond the bounds of reasonable dishonesty?
- CIA memo, introduced during the Westmoreland/CBS libel suit

I really didn’t say everything I said.
- Yogi Berra

Now ride off in all directions.
- Michael Curtiz, directing actor Gary Cooper on a horse

I am providing you with a copulation of answers to several questions raised.
- letter from Marion Barry Jr., mayor of Washington, D.C.

Last night I neglected to mention something that bears repeating.
- Ron Fairly, San Francisco Giants broadcaster

Lillian’s greatest strength is her strength.
- David Coleman, BBC sportscaster

Ladies and gentleman, and now Mr. Eddie Playbody will pee for you.
- announcer, introducing banjoist Eddie Peabody

I was not aware that making up a story and lying to the police is against the law.
- Goran Rasmussen, Swedish tourist in Thailand
click here to close

Will Rogers
The wit and wisdom of Will Rogers

1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
11. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren’t paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.
And, finally ~ If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.
click here to close

Bad Predictions
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

“Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1.5 tons.” — Popular Mechanics, 1949

“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” — The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

“But what…is it good for?” — Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

“640K ought to be enough for anybody.” — Attributed to Bill Gates, 1981, but believed to be an urban legend.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” — David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

“While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially it is an impossibility.” — Lee DeForest, inventor.

“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C’, the idea must be feasible.” — A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” — H. M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.” — Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”

“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.” — Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.

“Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax.” — William Thomson, Lord Kelvin, British scientist, 1899.

“If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this.” — Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M “Post-It” Notepads.

“So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.’” — Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.
click here to close

Funny Wedding Quotes
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too. – H.L. Mencken

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything in the house. – Jean Kerr

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. – Rita Rudner

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. – Sacha Guitry

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. – Anonymous

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. – Helen Rowland

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable? – Carrie Snow

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives. – George Burns

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. – Henny Youngman

In life, it’s not who you know that’s important, it’s how your wife found out. – Joey Adams

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. – Joey Adams

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. – Joey Adams

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. – Jim Backus

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.- Marie Corelli

I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I’m delighted when she gets to it. – Walter Matthau

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. – Woody Allen

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. – Helen Rowland

Infatuation is when you think he’s as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Connors. Love is when you realize that he’s as sexy as Woody Allen, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford – but you’ll take him anyway.- Judith Viorst
click here to close

Rita Rudner's Facts About Men
1. If you’re dating a man who you think might be “Mr. Right,” if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
2. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
3. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
4. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
5. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
6. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie “The Way We Were” twice, voluntarily.
7. Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”
8. If a man says, “I’ll call you,” and he doesn’t, he didn’t forget …he didn’t lose your number…he didn’t die. He just didn’t want to call you.
9. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, “Are we going to have sex again?” He said, “Yes, but not with each other.”
10. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
11. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you…I want to marry you…I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.
12. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: “Mitch, you look great.” Mitch: “Thanks.” On the other side: “Ruth, you look great.” Ruth: “I do? Must be the lighting.”
13. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
14. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she’s wearing a jumpsuit.
15. Men don’t feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women’s dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men sexually and emotionally, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
16. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
17. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
18. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. With male menopause, you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
19. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
20. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.
21. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
22. All men would still really like to own a train set.
click here to close
Zen Quotes
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just fuck off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Don’t squat with your spurs on.

17. If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

20. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
click here to close

Bill Maher's Closing Bit The Other Night To President Bush:
This job can’t be fun for you any more. There’s no more money to spend–you
used up all of that. You can’t start another war because you used up the
army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush
family nightmare: helping poor people. Listen to your Mom. The cupboard’s
bare, the credit cards maxed out. No one’s speaking to you. Mission

Now it’s time to do what you’ve always done best: lose interest and walk
away. Like you did with your military service and the oil company and the
baseball team. It’s time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How
about cowboy or space man? Now I know what you’re saying: there’s so many
other things that you as President could involve yourself in. Please don’t.
I know, I know. There’s a lot left to do. There’s a war with Venezuela.
Eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the
church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote.

But, Sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like
Billy Joel drives. You’ve performed so poorly I’m surprised that you
haven’t given yourself a medal. You’re a catastrophe that walks like a man.
Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire
city to rising water and snakes.

On your watch, we’ve lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four
airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New
Orleans. Maybe you’re just not lucky. I’m not saying you don’t love this
country. I’m just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the
other side.

So, yes, God does speak to you. What he is saying is: ‘Take a hint.’
click here to close

Jerry Seinfeld
With any kind of physical test, I don’t know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they’d do those hearing tests? And you’d really be listening hard, you know?
I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me after and go, “We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We’re sending the results to Washington, we’d like you to meet the President.”

The proof that we don’t understand death is we give dead people a pillow. I mean if you can’t stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I don’t think there are any bedding accessories that can make the difference. But the suit and the pillow really shows how we have no idea what to get these people ready for.
I mean, what situation are you going into with a suit and a pillow? There’s no business nap meetings.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower?
I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door!

It’s tough to do a good deed. Let’s look at your professional good-deed doers, your Lone Rangers, your Supermen, your Batmen, your Spiderman. They’re all wearing disguises, masks over their faces, secret identities. They don’t want people to know who they are. Too much aggravation.
“Superman, yeah thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come through my wall? I’m renting here. They’ve got a security deposit. Now what am I supposed to do?”

I’m on the plane, we left late, and the pilot says, “We’re going to be making up some time in the air.”
I thought, “Isn’t that interesting. They just make up time.” That’s why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they’re making up time, obviously they’re increasing the speed of the aircraft.
Now my question is, if you can go faster, why don’t you just go as fast as you can all the time? “Come on, they’re no cops up here! Nail it! Give it some gas! We’re flying!”

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. You ever fly standby? It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, “Bye.”

Frankly, I don’t believe people think of their office as a workplace anyway. I think they think of it as a stationery store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.

Then there’s the psychiatrist. Why is it that with the psychiatrist every hour is only fifty minutes? What do they do with the ten minutes that they have left?
Do they just sit there going, “Boy that guy was crazy. I couldn’t believe the things he was saying. What a nut. Who’s coming in next? Oh no, another head case.”

Talk-show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left in the show, you know? They’re always looking off camera, “Do we have time?” “Are we out of time?” “How are we doing on time?”
You never see the cops on NYPD Blue go, “Should I strangle this guy or are we gonna take a break here? Can you stay for another beating? I’ll tell you what, I’ll bop him in the head, we’ll do a commercial, we’ll come back, I’ll drive in the car real fast. Stay with us.”

The main difference between the man’s wallet and the woman’s wallet is the photo section. Women carry with them a photograph of every person they’ve ever met every day in their whole life since the beginning of time. And every picture’s out of date. “Here’s my cousin, 3 years old, she’s in the Marines now. This is my dog; he died during the Carter administration.”
They get stopped by a cop, no license and registration. “Here’s my fifty-six people who know me.”
Cop goes, “Alright ma’am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends. Move it along…. Routine pal check.”

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera: “Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.”

Sunday’s paper is the worst. Weekend. You want to relax. “Oh, by the way, here’s a thousand pages of information you had no idea about.” How can they tell you everything they know about every single day of the week and then have this much left over on Sunday when nothing’s going on?

Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in the little book. What is this, the story of the bill? Once upon a time somebody ordered a salad. There’s a little gold tassel hanging down. Am I graduating from the restaurant? Should I put this on the rearview mirror of my Camaro?

One thing I love about living in New York is it’s every different type of person piled one on top of the other. I am for open immigration, but that sign we have in the front of the Statue of Liberty, “Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.”
Can’t we just say, “Hey, the door’s open. We’ll take whoever you got.”
Why not just say, “Give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, the people that can’t drive, people that have trouble merging, if they can’t stay in their lane, if they don’t signal, they can’t parallel park, if they’re sneezing, if they’re stuffed up, if they have bad penmanship, if they don’t return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving…”
In other words, any dysfunctional, defective slob that you can somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over. We want them.

Any day that you had gym was a weird school day. It started off kind of normal. You had English, Geometry, Social Studies, and then suddenly you’re in Lord of the Flies for forty minutes.
You’re hanging from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yelling at you, “Where’s your jockstrap?” Kids are throwing dodge balls at you, snapping towels – you’re trying to survive.
And then it’s History, Science, Language. There’s something off in the whole flow of that day.

My parents took me to Amish country, which to a kid, to see a bunch of people that have no cars, no TV, no phone you go, So what? Neither do I.
Who wants to see a whole community that’s been grounded? That’s the way they should punish the kids after they’ve seen Amish country. “All right son, get up to your room. That’s it, I’ve had it, you are Amish, young man. For the rest of this weekend. Did you hear me? Amish! And don’t come down till you’ve made some noodles and raised a barn.”

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. “Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.”

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I’ll just say, “Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.”

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, “No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?” Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”

Can’t we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don’t they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don’t you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn’t that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don’t they rotate on their own?

All the king’s HORSES and all the king’s men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn’t put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? “Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!”

Isn’t it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, “Oh, man, I can’t wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff.”

Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can’t get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can’t even get the DETERGENT white!

Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, “And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!” I think not.
click here to close

Quotes From Roseanne Barr
“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”
“My husband and I didn’t sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.”
“Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you’re feeling festive?”
“Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equaling a hundred miles.”
“When my husband comes home, if the kids are still alive, I figure I’ve done my job.”
“My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.”
In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, “Sorry, we’re open.”

“My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheese Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.”
“The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.”
“The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.”
“Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we’ll take up, and the more we’ll have to be reckoned with.”
“It’s okay to be fat. So you’re fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.”
“I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.”
“I call myself a ‘domestic goddess.”

“I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people…that’s why I don’t like any of them.”

“Dealing with a guy is like eating a doughnut one piece at a time. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there’s my personal favorite, the male ego
click here to close

The Refined Humor Of Stephen Wright:
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

When I erase a word with a pencil where does it go?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
click here to close

Catskill Comics
You may remember the old Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Dotie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others. If not then you probably don’t know this, but there is not one single swear word in their comedy.

* There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? “Honey, I’m home!”

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* I was just in London – there is a 6-hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!”
Patient: “I AM 60!”
Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”

* A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”

* Doctor says to a man, “You’re pregnant!” The man says, “How does a man get pregnant?” The doctor says, “The usual way. A little wine, a little dinner, you know?”

* Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.”
Doctor: “Don’t answer!”

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”

* Why do divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

* Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

* I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.
click here to close

Funny Christmas Quotes
Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. —Bart Simpson

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the holiday season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. —Dave Barry

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “toys not included.” —Bernard Mannin

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. —Phyllis Diller

Nothing says holidays like a cheese log. —Ellen DeGeneres

I stopped believing in Santa Clause when I was six.
Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. —Shirley Temple
click here to close

Maxine's Maxims
Time to lie on the beach….Yeah, I never tell the truth anywhere.

When repairmen say they’ll “Come sometime next week,” I usually say, “Fine, I’ll pay you sometime next year.”

I’m a pretty patient person….Just as long as I’m not kept waiting for anything.

I use my cookbook often…to throw at people who suggest I cook.

Remember the “Twilight Zone” episode where a man went all day without saying anything stupid? That’ll never happen in real life.

It’s National Chili Week…Which makes next week National Stay Indoors Week.

I learned something important about burning leaves…Wait until they fall off the trees.

With each passing week, the days are getting a little bit shorter…Kind of like me.

Here’s a spooky Halloween mystery…How do they fit so many calories into those mini candy bars?

Sadie Hawkins Day is when women hit on men…If noogies count, I hit on ‘em every day.

I’m thinking of renewing my vow…to never get married again.

Breaking up is hard to do…Unless you’re mad and there’s a vase nearby.

I wish those long-distance phone companies would offer a special low rate on those calls to relatives that rattle on and on about nothing.

Got the all-animal channel and the all-history channel, but I’m still waiting for the all-whining channel.
click here to close

Woody Allen Quotes
“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like…making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.”

“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”

“The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty”

“S ex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it’s fantastic.”

“I’ve often said: the only thing standing between me and greatness… is me.”

“I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.”

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”

“Life is like a concentration camp… you can’t leave without dying.”

“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”

“I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.”

“Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.”

“Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to s ex.”

“Basically, my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.”

“It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”
click here to close

Supermodel Wisdom
“I don’t wake up for less than $10,000 a day.”
– Linda Evangelista

“When I model I pretty blank. You can’t think too much or it doesn’t work.
– Paulina Porizkova

“I think, If my butt’s not too big for them to be photographing it, then it shouldn’t be too big for me.”
– Christy Turlington

“I don’t know what to do with my arms. It just makes me feel weird and I feel like people are looking at me and that makes me nervous.”
– Tyra Banks

“You can usually tell when I’m happy by the fact that I’ve gained weight.”
– Christy Turlington

“If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time.”
– Linda Evangelista

“It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would.”
– Kate Moss

“I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don’t have to speak.”
– Linda Evangelista

“When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box, attached a note saying where it came from and took it to the Salvation Army. It was a big loss.”
– Veronica Webb

“Girls are always getting mad at each other and they tell their hairdresser to purposely mess up another girl’s hair.”
– Tasha

“I’m a pretty girl who’s a model who doesn’t suck as an actress.”
– Cameron Diaz
click here to close

Quotes On Stuff
• He who can does – he who cannot, teaches. (George Bernard Shaw)
• In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards. (Mark Twain)
• Dublin University contains the dream of Ireland – rich and thick. (Samuel Beckett)
• Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. (Mark Twain)
• Don’t let schooling interfere with your education. (Mark Twain)
• I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like ‘What I’m going to be if I grow up.’ (Lenny Bruce)
• In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some. (Emo Philips)

• Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal. (Voltaire)
• Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)
• I just love Chinese food. My favorite dish is number 27. (Clement Atlee)
• There’s no such thing as a free lunch. (Milton Friedman)

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days. (Garrison Keillor)

• The first thing we do, let’s kill all lawyers. (William Shakespeare)
• The only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too. (Anton Chekhov)
• It’s not the people who are in prison worry me. It’s the people who aren’t. (Arthur Gore)
click here to close

George Carlin: (I Am A BAD American)
I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I am George Carlin.

I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you’d better do it in English.
I’m not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.
I believe that it doesn’t take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
I think owning a gun doesn’t make you a killer.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.

I think that being a student doesn’t give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven’t begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.

I believe it’s called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
I don’t think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
I don’t use the excuse “it’s for the children” as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
I don’t hate the rich. I don’t pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn’t wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you’re running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don’t pretend they are a political statement.
I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.
I’m neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I’m a BAD American.
click here to close

Mae West's Quotable Quotes
Is that a gun in your pocket…or are you just happy to see me?

His mother should have thrown him away…and kept the stork

Q: Have you ever met a man that could make you happy? A: Several times

To err is human…but it feels divine

I like my clothes to be tight enough to show I’m a woman…but loose enough to show I’m a lady

It’s not the men in my life that counts…it’s the life in my men

A man in the house…is worth two in the street

Too much of a good thing…can be wonderful

He who hesitates…is last

I used to be Snow White…but I drifted

Goodness, what beautiful diamonds! Goodness had nothing to do with it, dearie

It’s hard to be funny…when you have to be “clean”

When I’m good, I’m very good…but when I’m bad, I’m better

When a girl goes wrong…men go right after her

So many men…so little time

You ought to get out of those wet clothes…and into a dry martini

Those who are easily shocked…should be shocked more often

Anything worth doing…is worth doing slowly

I only like two kinds of men…domestic and foreign

Give a man a free hand…and he’ll run it all over you

He who hesitates…is a damned fool

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day…and another, in case it doesn’t rain

Whenever I’m caught between two evils…I take the one I’ve never tried

I generally avoid temptation…unless I can’t resist it

I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor…Believe me, rich is better

I always say, keep a diary…some day it’ll keep you

It ain’t no sin if you crack a few laws now and then…As long as you don’t break any

It’s better to be looked over…than overlooked

You may admire a girl’s curves on the first introduction…but the second meeting shows up new angles

Marriage is a fine institution…but I’m not ready for an institution

It’s not what you do…it’s how you do it

A hard man…is good to find

I’m the lady who works at Paramount all day…and Fox all night

Why don’t you come on up and see me sometime…when I got nothin’ on but the radio
click here to close

Jokes From The Professionals
I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming! – Henny Youngman

An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator temporarily out of order” sign, just “Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”-Mitch Hedberg

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?-George Carlin

My HMO is terrible. They charged me for a self breast exam. It’s a flat fee.-Wendy Liebman

The IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you’re allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents. – Conan O’Brien

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.-Mitch Hedberg

Do you ever get the vuja day feeling? Not deja vu. This is vuja day: the strange feeling that none of this has ever happened before-George Carlin

I never actually grasped the whole “Trick or treat” ultimatum. Giving candy to grateful, adorable children or receiving a bag of flaming animal excrement on your doorstep-is this a choice? – Jerry Seinfeld
click here to close

Chris Rock Quotes
You know ‘the stripper myth.’ The stripper myth is: ‘I’m stripping to pay my tuition.’ No you’re not! There’s no strippers in college! There’s no clear heels in biology! Shit, I didn’t know they had a college that only took one-dollar bills. If they’ve got so many strippers in college, how come I never got a smart lap dance? I never got a girl that sat on my lap and said ‘if I was you, I would diversify my portfolio. You know, ever since the end of the Cold War, I find NATO obsolete.’ I haven’t met her yet. If I do, she’s gonna get a big tip.

“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”

“Don’t argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a argument. It’s impossble you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense”

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?

We got so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain’t allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda’s got a fucking lactose intolerance?!

Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don’t want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I’m talking about. Every club you go into, there’s always some old guy. He ain’t really old, just a little too old to be in the club.

You know what they say, “There’s no reason to ever hit a woman.” Shit! There’s a reason to hit everybody. You just don’t do it. Shit, there’s a reason to kick an old man down a flight of stairs. You just don’t do it. Ain’t nobody above an ass-whooping.

A bunch of girls say, “You don’t need no man to help you raise no child” … shut the fuck up with the bullshit! Yeah, you could do it without a man, but that don’t mean it’s to be done! Shit, you can drive a car with your feet if you want to, that don’t make it a good fucking idea!

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, “I was at Kevin’s house!” A woman lie is like, “It’s your baby!”

If you haven’t contemplated murder, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t seriously thought about killing a motherfucker, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t had a can of rat poison in your hand and looked at it for forty-five minutes straight, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t bought a shovel and a bag and a rug to roll their ass up in, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t practiced your alibi in front of the mirror, you ain’t been in love. And the only thing that’s stopped you from killing this motherfucker was a episode of CSI: “Oh man, they thorough. I better make up. They might catch my ass.”

Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say, “Fuck you. Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your plans … fuck everything you thought this life was going to bring to you. Now let’s go out there and try to make this bitch happy.”

Women hate women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for twenty five years, you put a man in between them … “fuck that bitch,” “fuck that bitch.” Guys are not like that. Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, “Oh man, she’s nice, I gotta get me a girl like that.” If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes, “I gotta get him, and I will slit that bitch’s throat to do it.” Every girl in here got a girlfriend they don’t trust around their man.

But here’s what they don’t tell you. You can never make a woman happy, it’s impossible. I’ve never met a happy woman in my life. They’re always complaining about something. You can fuck a woman with a diamond dick and make her come ten times, and she’ll still complain. “Why did you make me come so hard? This diamond dick is cloudy, why didn’t you go to Tiffany’s? You’re so fucking cheap.”
click here to close

The Original Hollywood Squares
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when “Hollywood Squares” game show responses were spontaneous and clever — not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I Love You”?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are “Do It,” “I Can Help,” and “I Can’t Get Enough”?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps! One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
click here to close

Jewish Proverbs & Quotes
If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.
Yiddish Proverb

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.
Yiddish Proverb

What you don’t see with your eyes, don’t invent with your mouth.
Yiddish proverb

A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.
Yiddish Proverb

One old friend is better than two new ones.
Yiddish Proverb

One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world. Jewish Proverb

A wise man hears one word and understands two. Yiddish Proverb

“Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself.
Golda Meir

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.
Albert Einstein

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.
Albert Einstein

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. Albert Einstein

You can’t control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
Yiddish proverb

I don’t want to become immortal through my work. I want to become
Immortal through not dying.
Woody Allen

Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Sign hanging in Einstein’s office at Princeton.

We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.
Albert Einstein
click here to close

Deep Observations On Life
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather–who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
–Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”
–Author Unknown

3) “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
–Drew Carey

4) “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
–Jeff Foxworthy

5) “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.”
–Dave Barry

6) “Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
–Bob Ettinger

7) “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, “Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’”
–Paula Poundstone

8) “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”
–Conan O’Brien

9) “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God…. I could be eating a slow learner.”
–Lynda Montgomery

10) “I think that’s how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’”
–Richard Jeni

11) “If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”
–Johnny Carson

12) “Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
–Paul Rodriguez

13) “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.”
–Jerry Seinfeld

14) “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”
–Warren Hutcherson

15) “Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.”
–Oscar Wilde

16) “Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress… But I repeat myself.”
–Mark Twain

17) “Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.”
–A. Whitney Brown

18) “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”
–Dave Barry
click here to close

Bob Hope
ON TURNING 70 ‘You still chase women, but only downhill’.

ON TURNING 80 ‘That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.’

ON TURNI NG 90 ‘You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.’

ON TURNING 100′ I don’t feel old. In fact I don’t feel anything until noon Then it’s time for my nap.’

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING ‘I ruined my hands in the ring … the referee kept stepping on them.’

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR ‘Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, ‘Passover’.’

ON GOLF ‘Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees’

ON PRESIDENTS ‘ I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six’

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER ‘ When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, ‘Congratulations You have an eight-pound ham’.’

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL ‘I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it .’

ON HIS FAMILY’S EARLY POVERTY ‘Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.’

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS ‘That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.’

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES ‘I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.’

ON GOING TO HEAVEN ‘I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.’
click here to close

Dog Proverbs
Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about little puppies.
– Gene Hill

In dog years I’m dead
– Unknown

Dogs feel strongly they should always go with you in the car, in case the need arises for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear
– Dave Barry

I wonder what goes through a dog’s mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl
– Penny Ward Moser

The dog’s kennel is not the place to keep a sausage
– Danish Proverb

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read
– Groucho Marx

As far as dogs are concerned, the scientific name for an animal that doesn’t either run from or fight its enemies is lunch
– Michael Friedman

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs
– Aldous Huxley

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down
– Robert Benchley

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in… I think that is how dogs spend their lives
– Sue Murphy

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog
– Unknown

I loathe people who keep dogs — they are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves
– August Strindberg

No dog should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation
– Fran Lebowitz

Dogs must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth… we come back from the store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half cow
– Anne Tyler

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult
– Rita Rudner

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can; that’s almost $7.00 in dog money
– Joe Weinstein

Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant
– Unknown

Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful
– Ann Landers

Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea
– Robert A. Heinlein

In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him
– Dereke Bruce

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face
– Ben Williams

When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem
– Edward Abbey

Cat’s Motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it
– Unknown

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself
– Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person
– Andrew A. Rooney

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in
– Mark Twain

I care not for a man’s religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it
– Abraham Lincoln

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man
– Mark Twain

Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane
– Unknown

I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts
– John Steinbeck

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives
– Rita Rudner
click here to close

Famous Quotes From Women
• I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde. – Dolly Parton
• You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. – Erica Jong
• I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job. – Roseanne
• I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. – Susie Loucks
• This guy says, “I’m perfect for you, ’cause I’m a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man.” I said, “Oh, a gay trucker?” – Judy Tenuta
• I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. – Wendy Liebman
• Never lend your car to anyone whom you have given birth to. – Erma Bombeck
• I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead. – Sue Kolinsky
• I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because the water is cold in there. And I’m like: How did my mother know THAT? – Wendy Liebman
• I think – therefore I’m single. – Lizz Winstead
• Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. – Elayne Boosler
• Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. – Bella Abzug
• In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. – Margaret Thatcher
• If I were going to convert to any religion, I would probably choose Catholicism, because it, at least, has female saints, and the Virgin Mary. – Margaret Atwood
• I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. – Gloria Steinem
• Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. – Gloria Steinem
• Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door, and just visit now and then. – Katharine Hepburn
• I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home, which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog, which growls every morning, a parrot, which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. – Marie Corelli
• Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. – Baroness Edith Summerskill
• If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? – Linda Ellerbee
• I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
click here to close
Marriage Quotes
First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

“How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.”

“Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.”

“Three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.”

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – George Burns.

“Marriage is for women the commonest mode of livelihood, and the total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution.” – Bertrand Russell (1872-1970), British philosopher, Marriage and Morals.

“The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.”

“Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn’t, they be married too.” – H. L. Mencken.

In California, there’s a 6-month waiting period for filing for divorce, but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun. It’s nice to know the government is giving us advice on how to work out our problems.” – Matt Sullivan.

“Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.”

“If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.” – Alan King.

“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor.

“Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.” – Jim Backus.

“It is best for ordinary men to have only one wife!” – Emperor Akbar the Great of India (1542-1605) who had 300 wives and 5000 concubines.

“Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.” – Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
click here to close

More Groucho Marx Quotes
1. Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
2. Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
3. A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
4. Women should be obscene and not heard.
5. I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
6. My favorite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.
7. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
8. I’ve worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
9. Either the man is dead, or my watch has stopped.
10. A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
11. She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
12. I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.
13. I’m not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
14. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
15. Oh, why can’t we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.
16. Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
17. I wish you’d keep my hands to yourself.
18. Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put ‘Emily, I love you’ on the back of the bill.
19. Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women
20. My mother treated us all equally… with contempt
21. Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
22. No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.
23. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
24. We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren’t developed. But we’re going back next year.
25. Love flies out the door, when money comes innuendo.
26. What does California need an air force for? We have no air out here.
27. (When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid) I was just whispering in her mouth.
click here to close
Quotes From Famous People
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
Miss Alabama the 1994 Miss USA contest.

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
Mariah Carey

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life”
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body”
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
Lee Iacocca

“The word ‘genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
click here to close

More Of Rita Rudner's Facts About Men
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband’s early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of “rich” usually cancels out the nice of “bald.”
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it’s attention you want, don’t get involved with a man during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. Don’t try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
12. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
13. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
14. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
15. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
16. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire, and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
17. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
18. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
19. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
20. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I’ve never seen a man walk into a party and say “Oh, my God, I’m so embarrassed; get me out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo.”
21. Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
22. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
click here to close
Quotes From The Greats About...
• I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)
• I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill. (George Burns)
• At my age flowers scare me (George Burns)
• Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternatives. (Maurice Chevalier, on 77th birthday)
• People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I’ll tell you: a paternity suit. (George Burns)
• Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)
• The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)
• There are three ages of man – youth, age, and ‘you’re looking wonderful.’ (Francis Spellman)
• I don’t feel old – I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. (Bob Hope)

• A pint of plain is your only man. (Flann O’Brien)
• I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop. (Noel Coward)
• I drink therefore I am (W.C. Fields)
• A woman drove me to drink – and I hadn’t even the courtesy to thank her. (W.C. Fields)
• I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they are going to feel all day. (Frank Sinatra)
• It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth. (George Burns)

What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light. (Mark Twain)
click here to close

Rodney Dangerfield (With Great Respect RIP)
• I could tell my parents hated me my bath toys were a toaster and radio.
• My wife made me join a bridge club…I jump off next Tuesday.
• One year they wanted to make me the poster boy…for birth control.
• During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me…Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
• I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
• I’m so ugly…my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
• When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room…he said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could…But he pulled through.”
• With my old man I got no respect…I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.
• I was such an ugly kid…when I played in the sandbox…the cat kept covering me up.
• I’m so ugly…my mother had morning sickness…AFTER I was born.
• I was such an ugly baby…my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
• I’m so ugly…when I worked in a pet shop people kept asking how big I’d get.
• My dog’s favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times…three of those times I was reading it.
• I remember the time that I was kidnapped…they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over; nobody’s home.”
I went over…Nobody was home.
• One day I came home early from work…I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?”
He said, “Because you came home early.”
• It’s been a rough day…I got up this morning…Put a shirt on and a button fell off.
I picked up my briefcase…And the handle came off.
Now I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.
• Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman…I asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?”
He said, “I don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”
• I went to see my doctor and said, “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror…I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?”
He said, “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”
click here to close
Steven Wright's Wit
• Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country
• Everywhere is walking distance, if you have the time.
• I can levitate birds. No one cares.
• I had to stop driving my car for a while…the tires got dizzy.
• I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
• Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
• I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
• I try to daydream, but my mind keeps wandering.
• I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
• It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
• There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
• What exactly do batteries run on?
• When George Washington was asked for ID, did he whip out a dollar bill?
• If you filled a humidifier with wax, would it shine the room?
• I have a microwave fireplace. I laid in front of it for the evening in 7 minutes.
• I busted a mirror & got 7 years bad luck; my lawyer says he can get me five.
• I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn’t the kind that folds.
• If my foot falls asleep during the day; that means it’s gonna be up all night.
• I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.
• I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
• I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
• All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend, …… But she left me before we met.
• OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
• How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
• I intend to live forever…. So far, so good.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
• If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
• The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
• Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
• If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
click here to close
The Wisdom Of Will Rogers
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman…neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
11. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
click here to close

Yogi Berra Quotes
“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
“Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”
“If the people don’t want to come out to the park, nobody’s gonna stop them.”
“No wonder nobody comes here; it’s too crowded.”
“We made too many wrong mistakes.”
“You can observe a lot by just watching.”
“I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4.” – Yogi Berra
click here to close
Cranky Mark Twain Quotes
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”

“In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.” — Following the Equator

“The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.” — Mark Twain in Eruption

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.” — Mark Twain in Eruption

“It is just like man’s vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.” — What is Man?

“This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.” — On April Fool’s Day, Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar

“Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn’t any. But this wrongs the jackass.” — Notebook (1898)

“Jane Austen? Why I go so far as to say that any library is a good library that does not contain a volume by Jane Austen. Even if it contains no other book.” — Remembered Yesterdays

“It is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies.” — On the Bible, Letters from the Earth

“There has been only one Christian. They caught him and crucified him — early.” — Notebook (1898)

“I have damaged my intellect trying to imagine why a man should want to invent a repeating clock, and how another man could be found to lust after it and buy it. The man who can guess these riddles is far on the way to guess why the human race was invented–which is another riddle which tires me.” — On cuckoo clocks, Letter to Henry H. Rogers (1894)

“I like criticism, but it must be my way.” — Autobiography of Mark Twain

“Whenever a copyright law is to be made or altered, then the idiots assemble.” — Mark Twain’s Notebook, 1902-1903

“Nothing agrees with me. If I drink coffee, it gives me dyspepsia; if I drink wine, it gives me the gout; if I go to church, it gives me dysentery.” — Letter to Henry H. Rogers (1905)

“Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.” — Following the Equator

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.” — Notebook (1887)

“I like a good story well told. That is the reason I am sometimes forced to tell them myself.” — Speech (1907)

“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.” — Notebook (1902)

“I thoroughly disapprove of duels. I consider them unwise and I know they are dangerous. Also, sinful. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet retired spot and kill him.” — Autobiography of Mark Twain

“Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.” — The Mysterious Stranger

“The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.”

“Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.” — What Is Man?

“All human rules are more or less idiotic, I suppose. It is best so, no doubt. The way it is now, the asylums can hold the sane people, but if we tried to shut up the insane we should run out of building materials.” — Following the Equator

“France has neither winter nor summer nor morals — apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.” — Mark Twain’s Notebook

“All good things arrive unto them that wait and don’t die in the meantime.”

A recently widowed and ill Mark Twain wrote this letter to a salesman who tried to sell him a phony medication.

Nov. 20. 1905
J. H. Todd
1212 Webster St.
San Francisco, Cal.

Dear Sir,

Your letter is an insoluble puzzle to me. The handwriting is good and exhibits considerable character, and there are even traces of intelligence in what you say, yet the letter and the accompanying advertisements profess to be the work of the same hand. The person who wrote the advertisements is without doubt the most ignorant person now alive on the planet; also without doubt he is an idiot, an idiot of the 33rd degree, and scion of an ancestral procession of idiots stretching back to the Missing Link. It puzzles me to make out how the same hand could have constructed your letter and your advertisements. Puzzles fret me, puzzles annoy me, puzzles exasperate me; and always, for a moment, they arouse in me an unkind state of mind toward the person who has puzzled me. A few moments from now my resentment will have faded and passed and I shall probably even be praying for you; but while there is yet time I hasten to wish that you may take a dose of your own poison by mistake, and enter swiftly into the damnation which you and all other patent medicine assassins have so remorselessly earned and do so richly deserve.

Adieu, adieu, adieu!

Twain wrote this letter to his family sometime after Olivia Langdon accepted his marriage proposal in 1869.

My dear Mother & Brother & Sisters & Nephew & Niece, & Margaret:

This is to inform you that on yesterday, the 4th of February, I was duly & solemnly & irrevocably engaged to be married to Miss Olivia L. Langdon, of Elmira, New York. Amen. She is the best girl in all the world, & the most sensible, & I am just as proud of her as I can be.

It may be a good while before we are married, for I am not rich enough to give her a comfortable home right away, & I don’t want anybody’s help. I can get an eighth of the Cleveland Herald for $25,000, & have it so arranged that I can pay for it as I earn the money with my unaided hands. I shall look around a little more, & if I can do no better elsewhere, I shall take it.

I am not worrying about whether you will love my future wife or not —if you know her twenty-four hours & then don’t love her, you will accomplish what nobody else has ever succeeded in doing since she was born. She just naturally drops into everybody’s affections that comes across her. My prophecy was correct. She said she never could or would love me — but she set herself the task of making a Christian of me. I said she would succeed, but that in the meantime she would unwittingly dig a matrimonial pit & end up tumbling into it — & lo! the prophecy is fulfilled. She was in New York a day or two ago, & George Wiley & his wife Clara know her now. Pump them, if you want to. You shall see her before very long.

Love to all. Affect’ly


P.S. Shall be here a week.
click here to close

Celebrity Quotes
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.” – Sharon Stone

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex—no matter what she’s reading.” – Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. I said, “Thyroid problem?” – Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” – Tiger Woods

“Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.” – Rev. Jesse Jackson

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” – Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” – Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet” – Robin Williams

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” – Roseanne

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” – Billy Crystal

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” – Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” – Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.” – Jerry Seinfield

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” – Rod Stewart

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” – Robin Williams
click here to close

Gotta Love Phyllis Diller
Some Of Her Best
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put gin in the steam iron.

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang.
How about short and cheap?

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.

There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor ..

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’
He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
click here to close

101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes
George Dennis Carlin was born May 12, 1937 in New York City and for the last half of the 20th century he was doing stand-up comedy better than anyone else on the planet. In the process he’s pissed off a lot of people and accumulated some of the funniest, and most controversial, quotes known to man. Even a list of 101 quotes is just scratching the surface. In no particular order here are his 101 best.

1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fuc king hatreds!
2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
6. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
8. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
11. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
12. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
13. It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
15. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers, I accept.
16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
17. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
19. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
20. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
21. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
22. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
23. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a c0cksuc ker from Guatemala.”
24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
29. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
30. You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
31. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
33. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
38. I never fuc ked a ten, but one night, I fuc ked five twos and I think that aught to count!
39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fu ck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
42. So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the m0therfuc ker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
48. G-d bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
51. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
52. What year did Jesus think it was?
53. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
54. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
55. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
56. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
57. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
58. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
59. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
60. The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assh0les on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
61. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
62. The planet is fine. The people are fuc ked.
63. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
64. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
65. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
66. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
67. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
68. “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
69. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
70. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuc k waffles.”
71. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
72. Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the assh0le.
73. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
74. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
75. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
76. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
77. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
78. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
79. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
80. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
81. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
82. “No comment” is a comment.
83. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
84. You can’t argue with a good bl0wj0b.
85. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
86. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
87. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuc k.
88. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
89. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
90. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
91. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
92. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
93. Hooray for most things!
94. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
95. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
96. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
97. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
98. Life is a zero sum game.
99. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
100. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
101. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits.
click here to close

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Upload Files

Send Me Joke Suggestions