An Honest Disney Princess Song
Rowan Atkinson – Conservative Conference
Study Of Cats
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They’re totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They’re moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats
Writing Home Made Easy For College Students
Dear Parent(s), Date:
I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us.
Please send me:
__ Money (Cash) Amount: _____
__ Food (Cookies) Dozens: _____
__ Clean clothes!
__ I am in love with myself.
__ I am in love!
__ I am engaged.
__ I got married last weekend.
__ Worships the ground I walk on.
__ Gave me a black eye.
__ Committed suicide and left a note blaming me.
__ Has fleas.
My Professors are:
__ Sadistic water walkers.
__ Mental institution escapees.
__ Brain dead nerds.
__ Super oxygen thieves.
__ I wrecked the car.
__ I can’t use your credit card because I exceeded the credit limit.
__ You are going to have a grandchild.
__ False alarm–you aren’t going to have a grandchild.
__ Is great!
__ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
__ I have had pizzas and soda for the last twenty meals.
__ I stopped eating out of fear.
__ I am making all A’s
__ I am not being properly challenged
__ I will be home after this semester
__ I never knew they had a letter grade below F
__ Night and day
__ All the time
__ Eighty hours a week
__ Only on Sunday afternoon
__ None of the above
__ I read my Bible everyday
__ I can’t read
__ Someone stole my Bible while I was at the local bar
On my last visit home, I left:
__ My glasses.
__ My paper that was due yesterday.
__ The clothes you washed for me.
__ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment.
__ Other ____________________________.
__ My white underwear is now _______.
__ I am saving money by not using detergent.
__ Don’t worry, I washed my clothes last semester.
__ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains.
__ Can pass your “white glove” test.
__ Is only ___% full.
__ Could not be located last Saturday night.
__ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training.
__ I don’t inhale
__ I only go to meet people
__ Haven’t been to one since this morning.
__ Miss me
__ Can live without me
__ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence
__ Your Daughter,
__ Your Son,
Bored during a long flight, an eminent scholar leaned over and woke up the sleeping man next to him to ask if he would like to play a game.
“I’ll ask you a question,” the scholar explained, “and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $50.”
When the man agreed to play, the scholar asked, “What’s the distance from the Earth to the moon?” Flummoxed, the man handed him $5. “Ha!” said the scholar, “It’s 238,857 miles. Now, it’s your turn.”
The man fell silent for a few moments. Then he asks, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?” Puzzled, the scholar racked his brains for an hour-but to no avail. Finally he took out his wallet and handed over $50.
“Okay, what is the answer?” the scholar asked.
The man said, “I don’t know,” pulled out a $5 bill, handed it to the scholar and went back to sleep.
Quotes From The Greats
• I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)
• I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill. (George Burns)
• At my age flowers scare me (George Burns)
• Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternatives. (Maurice Chevalier, on 77th birthday)
• People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I’ll tell you: a paternity suit. (George Burns)
• Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)
• The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)
• There are three ages of man – youth, age, and ‘you’re looking wonderful.’ (Francis Spellman)
• I don’t feel old – I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. (Bob Hope)
• A pint of plain is your only man. (Flann O’Brien)
• I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop. (Noel Coward)
• I drink therefore I am (W.C. Fields)
• A woman drove me to drink – and I hadn’t even the courtesy to thank her. (W.C. Fields)
• I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they are going to feel all day. (Frank Sinatra)
• It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth. (George Burns)
What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light. (Mark Twain)
Signs You May Be Drinking Too Much
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case – coincidence?
9. Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!
10. You can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
13. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
14. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
15. At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
16. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
17. The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you walk in.
18. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
19. Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.
20. Roseanne looks good.
21. Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
22. That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
23. Senator’s Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
24.”I’m as jober as a sudge.”
25. The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.
True Courtroom Humor
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and she said he was really good.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
GUIDE TO TRANSLATING “PERSONAL” ADVERTISEMENTS
Independent Thinker . . . . . . . Crazy.
High-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.
Free-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy and irresponsible.
Ample . . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.
Huggable . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.
Zaftig . . . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY Large.
Fat and Sassy . . . . . . . . . Large and loudmouthed.
Slender . . . . . . . . . . . . Skinny.
Svelte . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anorexic.
Petite (I am). . . . . . . . . . Short.
Petite (you are) . . . . . . . . Size 2.
Dynamic . . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy.
Assertive . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy with a mean streak.
Excited About Life’s Journey . . No concept of reality.
Moody . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive.
Unpredictable . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and off medication.
Soulful . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and quiet.
Poetic . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and boring.
Looking for Mr/Ms Right. . . . . Looking for Mr/Ms Rich.
Very Human . . . . . . . . . . . Quasimodo.
Uninhibited . . . . . . . . . . Lacking basic social skills.
Irreverent . . . . . . . . . . . Mean and lacking basic social skills.
Aging Child . . . . . . . . . . Self-centered adult.
Freedom-loving . . . . . . . . . Undependable.
Young at Heart . . . . . . . . . Over 40.
Youthful . . . . . . . . . . . . Over 50 and in major denial.
Chatty . . . . . . . . . . . . . Never shuts up.
Humorous . . . . . . . . . . . . Watches too much TV and never shuts up.
Financially secure (I am). . . . Has a job.
Financially secure (you are) . . Rich.
Bad Conversation Starters
Running out of things to say with your woman? You’ll want to shy away from these fiery topics like the plague. Unless of course you don’t care any more and have a morbid curiosity as to how you could instantly sour a conversation and relationship with your girlfriend or wife. These five sure-fire conversation starters will have your face slapped faster than you can say ‘feminism’.
“You look and act just like your mother.” - Nothing is more terrifying to a woman than the prospect of being exactly like their scatter brained, sagging and difficult to cope with mother. Unleash the beast in her by further elaborating on all the different mannerisms that are ‘totally identical’ to her mother.
“Women’s rights have gone too far.” – Even if she isn’t a feminist, this one is always a whirlwind topic. “The glass ceiling should really be the steel barred ceiling so a woman knows her place in society.” comment is an instant train wreck conversation. For the bonus round, mention women’s rights have gone too far at home as well and any reference to kitchen appliances and bare feet will really stir the pot with flying colors!
“Marriage is a barbaric institution.” - For all those women dreaming of that walk down the isle, and that day ‘just for her’, you have snapped that concept in the neck and left it for dead. It’s like when you were young and your father told you that being a comic book writer was a pipe dream… regardless of whether it was or not, you were pissed to hear about it.
“How come both your parents are thin but you aren’t?” – The fact that you have so blatantly stated the obvious about her ever amassing weight, and narrowed it down to her own doing in a single sentence has such an awe inspiring precision to it. After she has taken a moment to gather her thoughts, she will commence a torrent of deficiencies she believes you have. Always educational!
“The Bare Naked Ladies is stupefying annoying music.” – Then when you spill the beans that essentially all of her girly music is dumb and nonsensical, you have essentially declared war. Her feeble rebuttal will be limited to, surprisingly enough, your musical taste and most likely extend into your movie, video game and every other thing you listen, watch or play.
Enjoy, and watch your relationship deplete right before your eyes!
What Men Really Mean
• “I’m going fishing.” Really means… “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
• “Let’s take your car.” Really means…. “Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.”
• “Woman driver.” Really means…. “Someone who doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.”
• “I don’t care what color you paint the kitchen.” Really means…. “As long as it’s not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.”
• “It’s a guy thing.” Really means…. “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
• “Can I help with dinner?” Really means…. “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
• “Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.” Really mean…. Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response like Pavlov’s dog drooling.
• “Good idea.” Really means…. “It’ll never work. And I’ll spend the rest of the day gloating.”
• “Have you lost weight?” Really means…. “I’ve just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.”
• “My wife doesn’t understand me.” Really means…. “She’s heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.”
• “It would take too long to explain.” Really means…. “I have no idea how it works.”
• “I’m getting more exercise lately.” Really means…. “The batteries in the remote are dead.”
• “I got a lot done.” Really means…. “I found ‘Waldo’ in almost every picture.”
• “We’re going to be late.” Really means…. “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”
• “Hey, I’ve read all the classics.” Really means…. “I’ve been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.”
• “You cook just like my mother used to.” Really means…. “She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.”
• “I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.” Really means…. “I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.”
• “Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.” Really means…. “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
• “That’s interesting, dear.” Really means…. “Are you still talking?”
Top Ten Things Not To Say On Your Anniversary
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don’t like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here’s a $5 gift certificate for McDonald’s.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I’ll take you to Pizza Hut if it’ll shut ya up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.