If You Were Honest On Your First Day At Work
Saturday Night Live (Never Before Seen) “Morning News”
Fatal Things To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant
17. “I finished the Oreo’s.”
16. “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs 40 pounds.”
15. “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!”
14. “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
13. “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!”
12. “Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
11. “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
10. “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
9. “I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
8. “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
7. “Get your *own* ice cream.”
6. “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
5. “Got milk?”
4. “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
3. “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
2. “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…”
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:
1. “You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger…”
Don’t Try This at Home
Today, it seems, people can’t even be trusted to watch television. After two children injured themselves mimicking stunts on MTV’s “Jackass”, the show added a disclaimer noting that its feats are performed “under the supervision of professionals,” and insisting no one recreate them. “Fear Factor” has a similar note before its stunts. (One wonders about the impressionable hordes rushing out to eat sheep testicles.)
This all begs the question. What disclaimers can we expect to see next?
To be shown before Dharma and Greg
This program depicts a woman who married a man the same day she met him. Such reckless matrimonial activity should only be attempted under the supervision of a highly paid sitcom story editor. Disregarding this warning may result in an appearance on “Jerry Springer”.
To be shown before Murder She Wrote
Homicide investigation is stressful and sometimes dangerous, and is therefore not recommended for bookish 80-year-olds. If you find bodies dropping all around you weeknights at 7PM / 8 Central, don’t snoop around — run for your life.
To be shown before Real Sex
All of the following sex acts — the body painting, the mud wrestling, the wife-swapping, and the electric-powered orgazmo-chair — are performed bored suburbanites desperate for attention. You could attempt this stuff at home, but why would you?
To be shown before The West Wing
The following depiction of White House employees as handsome, witty, and brimming with untarnished idealism was written by a man tripping out on psychedelic mushrooms.
To be shown before The Weakest Link
Saying “You are the weakest link. Goodbye.” in conversation is not funny. Maybe it was funny for about three days in June, but now it’s Goddamned annoying. Any attempt to use this catch phrase for laughs could lead to serious bodily harm.
To be shown before Fox News
When we say the following program is “fair and balanced”, we actually mean that it’s unfair and unbalanced in a way that panders to people in our target demographic.
To be shown before The Crocodile Hunter
This program features a complete idiot going out of his way to agitate and provoke powerful predators. It should not be attempted in the absence of an agent with good contacts in the cable industry, or by anyone married to Sharon Stone.
To be shown before Friends
Habitation in a large Manhattan apartment should not be attempted without the assistance of rich parents.
To be shown before Dr. Laura
The following program contains a woman making judgments on complex emotional problems in less time than it takes most of us to floss our teeth. This should only be done a doctor, or by a holder of a Ph.D. who cynically uses the title “Doctor” to impart a false sense of medical authority.
To be shown before C-Span
The following show can lead to acute panic once you realize that these people are actually running the country.
• consider themselves well dressed if their socks match
• buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday
• wear mustaches or beards for “efficiency”. Not because they’re lazy
• have a non-technical vocabulary of about 800 words
• think a “biting wit” is their fox terrier
• know the second law of thermodynamics – but not their own shirt size
• repair their own cameras, telephones, TV’s & automatic transmissions
• say “It’s 70 degrees F, 25 C, & 298 Kelvin”; all you say is “Isn’t it a nice day”
• remind you of having a conversation with a dial tone or busy signal
• wear badges so they don’t forget who they are
• Sometimes make a note: “Don’t accept a ride today. Drove own car”
• politics involve acquiring a reserved parking space & an office w/a window
• rotate their tires for laughs
• make 4 sets of drawings (with 7 revisions) before making a bird bath
• use a CAD to design their son’s soap box derby car
• have more toys than their dog does
• don’t find the above at all funny
• carry briefcases loaded with screwdrivers, a copy of “Quantum Physics” & half a sandwich
So What Have You Done Lately?
A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, ”When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” The son replied, “When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States.”
Murphy’s Other Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. You have toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
The Future of Advertising
We are now at the dawn of a new information age, and as you all know this means one thing. More damn commercials. Yes, the 21st Century (Sponsored in part by McDonald’s. Have you had your break today?) is here, and we will no doubt be pummeled by more and more advertising.
I suppose I shouldn’t complain too much. I don’t really hate advertising. Usually, it’s harmless, and if I don’t like it, I can just ignore it. But the future of advertising is starting to scare me. A while back, there was a Frontline documentary on PBS about advertising in the information age. It was quite fascinating, and I was able to learn many things, including:
- the fact that advertisers are now able to track many of your purchases
- the fact that advertisers can use this information to target advertising to you specifically
- the fact that Holy Shit! I was watching PBS. Wow! There really must have been nothing good on TV.
George Orwell apparently had it wrong. Big Brother is not the government. He’s an advertising agency, and sometime around 2057 when the President of Time Warner Disney AT&T Microsoft is elected to become the President of the United States as well, Big Brother and the government will merge as one.
Well, maybe I’m being a tad paranoid about the future. (The Future! Sponsored in part by Microsoft. Where do you want to go today… Oh, actually, you can’t go there. You’re going here instead.) But I can’t help being paranoid. Actually, the Frontline reporter was even more paranoid than I. At one point, he asked a man from Bell Atlantic about all this.
“So, basically, you can track any purchase I make with this new technology?”
“So, in other words, if last year I were to have bought an especially embarrassing product –”
“You mean like that Nasty Nympho Action video you bought August 23rd?”
“Um, that was a hypothetical question.”
“Oh, right sorry… Good flick, though. Much better than that bondage video you rented last weekend.”
“Um, could we maybe go to a commercial or something?”
“This is PBS. You don’t have any.”
Well, I paraphrase slightly, but the host was clearly troubled by the implications of the new technology. Basically, any transaction you make without cash has the potential to be tracked by someone somewhere. Whereas advertisers now attempt to target people of a specific age group or income bracket, in the future they will be increasingly able to target you. Just you.
Companies already do this, of course. That’s the whole theory behind direct mail marketing — not to mention all those supermarket discount cards that are suddenly so prevalent. I once heard an interview with a man who wrote a book about direct mail marketing. (If I were a real journalist, this is where I would, like, tell you the name of the book or something.) This author tracked his junk mail for a year. He even created an imaginary pregnant woman and ordered maternity clothing for her. Nine months later, the imaginary woman received complimentary diapers in the mail from another company. The advertisers of the world are watching, and in the future they will only get better.
This sounds worse than it really is. You don’t have to let the powers that be know about all your purchases, but it will no doubt become increasingly more difficult not to play along. In the future, we will all have to face a battle between our privacy and convenience. I suspect I will probably choose convenience. Like everyone, I do have my occasional indiscretions, but I really can’t imagine anyone bored enough to care about what I’m doing. I wish I led a scandalous life, but I simply don’t.
Also, I have a terrible confession to make. I rather like junk mail. If it’s boring, I just throw it away, and occasionally, such as the time when the previous occupant was receiving a Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog, junk mail can be a fine wondrous thing.
It can also be fun. I routinely get mail addressed to The Mike Edwards Foundation, because that’s what I usually write when asked for my company. Once, I was especially bored and wrote “Omnipotent One” for my Title. Sure enough, a few months later, I received an advertisement addressed to:
The Mike Edwards Foundation
Next time, I’m thinking of writing “International Love Machine” as my title. I can’t wait to read the mail I get.
Universal Employee Evaluation Translator
“AVERAGE”: Not too bright
“SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE”: Dumb as a rock
“EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED”: Has committed no major blunders lately
“ZEALOUS ATTITUDE”: Highly Opinionated
“STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES”: Stubborn as Hell
“TAKES GREAT PRIDE IN WORK”: Conceited
“REQUIRES WORK-VALUE COUNSELING AT TIMES”: Lazy and hard-headed
“CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH”: Hasn’t been arrested or caught stealing lately
“HAPPY AND CONTENT w/POSITION”: Paid way too much
“UNLIMITED POTENTIAL”: Will stick with us until retirement
“IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL”: Wanted by no other unit/dept
“SHOULD GO FAR”: Termination papers have been filed
“QUICK THINKING”: Offers plausible excuses for errors
“VERY CREATIVE”: Finds reasons to do anything except work
“HARD WORKER”: Does everything the hard way
“OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION”: Generally turns in work on time
“WELL ORGANIZED”: Does way too much busywork
“USES TIME EFFECTIVELY”: Clock watcher
“APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC”: Usually finds someone else to do the job
“USES RESOURCES WELL”: Attempts to delegate everything
“A KEEN ANALYST”: Spends hours rereading memos
“NOT A DESK PERSON”: Can’t ever be located
“EXCELLENT COMPUTER SKILLS”: Always on the Internet
“ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS”: An office gossip
“EXPRESSES SELF WELL”: Can string two-three sentences together
“SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB”: Miserable home life
“CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL”: Scared for their job
“METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL”: A nitpicker
“DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP”: Has a loud voice
“JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND”: Lucky as Hell
“MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE”: A damn snob
“KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR”: Knows lots of dirty jokes
“ACTIVE SOCIALLY”: Drinks heavily
“CANNOT FAULT DEMEANOR”: Passed last drug test
“ENJOYS JOB”: Needs more to do
“GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS”: A buck-passer
“CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN”: Pain in the ass
“TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS”: General butt kisser
“INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION”: Knows more than supervisors
“TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS”: Knows when to keep mouth shut
The Wisdom of Andy Rooney
On Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren’t distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels… I write, Could you throw this away for me? Thank You.
On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) say, “Married!” and walk off.
That’s how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but its hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
My wife is from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like Cripes. For Cripes sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of Gosh of the church of Holy Moly?
I’m not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in Heck?
On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, How can he want me the way I look in the morning?
It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
It’s weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, “Oh my God. He is kicking. Do you wanna feel it?” I always feel awkward reaching over there.
Come on! It’s weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don’t do that when I have gas. “Oh my God… give me your hand… It wont be long now…”
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says: “SEXY SENIOR CITIZEN”
You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests.
Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there’s always like 18% that say I don’t know. It costs 90 cents to call up and vote… Why are they voting I don’t know.
“Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone.” (Into Phone) “I DON’T KNOW!” (Hangs up looking proud)
Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you’re not sure about. This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say I’m not in the mood.
On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone’s answering machine?
“Hi, it’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is ‘Share the love’.” (BEEP)
“Uh, yeah… this is the VD clinic calling…. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love!”
Please Don’t Fart In Harrods
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this lovely bracelet?’
He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!”
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, “Excuth me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”
As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?”
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, “I don’t think my python weally gives a thit.”