How To Avoid Mobilization In Russia
Top Ten Reasons Trick Or Treating Is Better Than Sex
1. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
2. If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again.
3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
4. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.
5. It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else because you are.
6. Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.
7. If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door.
8. It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
9. Less guilt the morning after.
10. You can do the WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So, he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear, and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.” Then she asked, “Did you dance much?” He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a great time!”
Products We Could Do Without!
1. Fingernail Clippers: That’s why we have teeth.
2. Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you’re fifty?
3. Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn’t make your mouth stand out enough.
4. Inflatable Furniture: Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.
5. Crayons With a Fragrance: Oh, good, let’s give kids another reason to eat them.
6. Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn’t be able to braid your eyelashes.
7. The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.
8. Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.
9. Rubber Clothing: Because you shouldn’t bounce if you fall down the stairs.
10. Doggie Sweaters: Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.
11. Thong underwear: Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.
No Russians Wants To Have To Go To Ukraine
A Russian soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt, I’ll explain later.” The nun agreed.
A moment later two military police ran up and asked: “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the military police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Ukraine.”
The nun said, “I understand completely.”
The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would’ve seen a great pair of balls too. I don’t want to go to Ukraine either.”
My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I’d like to get away from all that.
I can list among my experience and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.
My management style has been criticized, but I’d like to think of myself as a people person.
I can give your company a head start on the competition.
My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.
My greatest accomplishment? After I took over the department, our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by one.
I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.
My primary talent is downsizing.
On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.
Would I go after my boss’s job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?
What do mean, this isn’t ‘business casual’?
My last boss and I … say, are you going to eat those fries?
I Always Wondered What That Meant
When men refer to themselves as “‘alpha males”, I hear that in the context of software, where alpha versions are unstable, missing important features, filled with flaws, and not fit for the public.
Interpreting Corporate Titles
CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD: Leaps tall building in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, discusses policy with God
PRESIDENT: Leaps short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if the sea is calm, talks with God
EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT: Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in an indoor swimming pool, talks with God if special request is approved
VICE PRESIDENT: Barely clears a Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with a locomotive, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, is occasionally addressed by God
GENERAL MANAGER: Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury, dog paddles, talks to animals
MANAGER: Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotive two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can’t stay afloat with a life preserver, talks to walls
TRAINEE: Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building, says “look at the choo-choo”, wets him/herself with a water pistol, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to him/herself
SECRETARY: Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth, freezes water with a single glance, to all of the above…is God!
He Should Have Asked To Use It In A Sentence
Moderator: your word is ‘seaward’
Spelling Bee Contestant: C-U-N…
Moderator: Please no just stop!
Even More Fuck My Life
Today, was my wedding night. We had decided to wait until marriage to have sex. When I undressed and smiled at my new wife, she burst into tears and cried, “please don’t make me do this.” FML
Today, I just found out that my ex girlfriend is gonna be my step mother. FML
Today, while showering, my 3 year old son comes to the bathroom and puts on all my makeup. Once I got out of the shower, I got a camera I had and took a few adorable shots. Afterward, I sent the images to all my friends and family. Then I realized the reflection on the mirror was me fully naked. FML
Today, I had my high school reunion. The nerdy guy that I picked on all 4 years had married a Swedish supermodel, then divorced her for a Brazilian supermodel. My girlfriend works at 7-11. Karma sucks. FML
Today, at lunch I was running to my group’s table with my friend. She accidentally tripped me, and I slid across the café floor face first on my belly. The whole cafeteria was silent. They then broke out in hysterics when the head janitor ran up to me and yelled ‘SAFE!’ like a baseball umpire. FML
Today, in the shower, a dime fell on my foot. The only place it could have come from? One of my fat rolls. FML
Today, my boyfriend said he wants a Hello Kitty wedding. FML
Today, I walked into the kitchen and accidentally broke my mother’s vase. I said, “Accidents happen.” She replied, “Yeah, like your birth.” FML
Today, my daughter and husband decided to surprise me at work. A whole bunch of my co-workers were standing around me when she ran up and hugged me. Her face is level with my crotch. She immediately jumps back from the hug and says “ewwww smells like fish.” FML
Today, I caught my daughter attempting to stick pencils up our cat’s butt. FML
Today, I shadowed an ultrasound technician for my future career. She did an ultrasound on me to show me how to do the job. I found out I was pregnant. FML
Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML
How She Should Have Handled That Article
I cannot believe that Hermione did not take advantage of that Rita Skeeter’ article saying that she was dating harry.
I would be like, HELL YES BITCHES I FUCKED THE BOY WHO LIVED. THE BOY WHO LIVED IS MY FUCKING SEX TOY! GUESS WHAT? HE ALSO DID DRACO MALFOY, 70% OF THE GRYFFINDOR HOUSE, YOUR SISTER, AND YOU’RE NEXT!
She could ask their friends to spread they also fucked harry potter to different prophet’ reporters until it gets so ridiculous that it lost all credibility.
“Yes, I did the potter” -Viktor Krum
“‘Of course, Harry is so lovely” – Fleur Delacour
“I showed to him some nice stuff in the bath” – Cedric Digory (does not like to lie)
“He and Malfoy are often at each other” -Severus Snape and the entire Slytherin house
“At the same time” – Fred and George Weasley
“Harry truly is amazing, he is always gentle with us.” – Luna Lovegood with Neville Longbottom hiding behind her, nodding, mortified.
“Let’s just say that he can ride more than just a broom”- Oliver wood
“Let’s just say that being able to catch the snitch with his mouth was not a coincidence” – Ginerva Weasley.
“He made us gay” – Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas.