9 Things I Hate About Everyone
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
When people say while watching a film “did you see that?”. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.
When people say “life is short”. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
Are My Testicles Black?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent.”
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: “Are – My – Test – Results – Back?”
Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’ GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I.’
MILLIE: I is.
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
“If I’m making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers.”
– Carol Alt
ON THE CASTE SYSTEM
“We’re not Prince Charles and Princess Di. We don’t think of ourselves as royalty. We happen to be working people.”
– Christie Brinkley
ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS
“I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them.”
– Cindy Crawford
“I don’t wake up for less than $10,000 a day.”
– Linda Evangelista
“When I model I pretty blank. You can’t think too much or it doesn’t work.
– Paulina Porizkova
“I think, If my butt’s not too big for them to be photographing it, then it shouldn’t be too big for me.”
– Christy Turlington
ON BODY PARTS
“I don’t know what to do with my arms. It just makes me feel weird and I feel like people are looking at me and that makes me nervous.”
– Tyra Banks
ON BODY LANGUAGE
“You can usually tell when I’m happy by the fact that I’ve gained weight.”
– Christy Turlington
British Humor Is Different
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer 100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
And the WINNER is…
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, 200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker–Billy Connolly.
“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”
Giving Cats Pills
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
12. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
14. Arrange for vet to make a house call.
Top Condom Slogans
• If you think she’ll sigh, cover old one eye
• Even If she’s eager, protect her beaver
• No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
• Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
• Avoid a frown, contain your clown
• Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
• Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
• Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
• The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
• Cloak the joker before you poke her
• Encase that torch before you paint her porch
• Cape your throbber before you bob her
• After detection sheath your erection
• Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
• Don’t surprise her plug your Geyser
• Cover that lumber before you pump her
• Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
• She won’t bristle if you wrap your whistle
• House your noodle then release your strudel
• Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
• Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
• Cage that snake then shake and bake
• Cover your peter it will be much neater
• Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
• It’s always funky to cage your monkey
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is…”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
I don’t have gray hair; I have “wisdom highlights.” I’m just very wise.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Things You’ve Definitely Said If You Have Young Kids
1. Where’s your diaper?!
2. You need to walk. I can’t always carry you everywhere.
3. Stop flushing the toilet!
4. These chicken nuggets taste the same as the ones shaped like dinosaurs.
5. It’s not a bug. It’s a piece of pepper.
6. There is nothing weird about it. It’s regular mac and cheese.
7. Why are you crying?
8. Remember, Santa’s watching you.
9. I don’t care if Grandma let you eat ice cream five minutes before bed.
10. Put your butt on the chair!
11. Put down the marker!
12. We don’t touch ourselves there in public.
13. That’s not food!
14. Please stop. I’m so, so tired.
15. That’s it! No more stories! Go to sleep!
16. Why are you wiggling like that? Do you need to go to the bathroom?
17. The hand blower doesn’t want to hurt you. It just wants to dry your hands.
18. Where’s your other shoe?
What NOT To Say On A First Date…
8. I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem … but the last couple of weeks I’ve gotten it under control.
7. I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden … but could I borrow two thousand dollars?
6. Go ahead and Super Size – I found spare change in the sofa today.
5. Something tells me that you’re very special … but with medication I can usually ignore it.
4. I don’t see my ex-girlfriend that much … thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice.
3. Do you want to play doctor? That’ll be five hundred dollars.
2. Wait till my wife hears about this!
and last but not least…
1. I had a good time tonight. I’d love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior!