Robin Williams Live on Broadway – Biblical History (Happy Birthday & R.I.P.)
Things You’ll Never Hear A Woman Say
But if you do hear any woman say even one of these, marry her!!!
1. What do you mean today’s our anniversary?
2. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch wrestling on TV
3. Ohh, this diamond is WAY too big!
4. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being ‘just friends’
5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
6. Aw, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.
7. I don’t care if it’s on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.
8. Hey, pull my finger!
9. Honey … why don’t you take a regular ‘boys night out’ with your friends?
10. I can’t watch ‘The Sound of Music” tonight … the hockey playoffs are on!
11. Hey buddy … will you help me with the zipper on my dress?
12. I sure wish that Avon lady would leave me alone.
13. I want to buy this cocktail dress because my best friend has one just like it.
14. Here, let me show you how to fix that plumbing problem.
15. No, I’d rather go out to eat another time. I’d rather stay home and cook tonight.
16. I love my hair just the way it is … I’ll never change it.
17. Housework is my hobby.
18. I love the smell of a cigar.
19. It will only take me five minutes to get ready for the Christmas party.
20. My favorite way to meet people? Wear a short dress and high heels, go to the mall at night, and park in a remote, unlit lot.
21. He ALWAYS understands me!
22. I love washing dishes!
23. I wouldn’t miss the ‘Miss America Pageant’ for ANYTHING!
24. Childbirth isn’t so bad!
25. I ALWAYS trust my husband.
26. I don’t need another pair of shoes.
27. I sure do envy Hillary Clinton.
28. Men really ARE smarter!
29. On our vacation this year, let’s go baby seal hunting.
30. Honey, why don’t you take those smelly old socks off and I’ll give you a foot massage?
31. I don’t care if he gets me anything for Mothers’ Day.
32. Shopping isn’t everything!
Moses And The Red Sea
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
“Well, Mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”
“Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his Mother asked.
“Well, no, Mum, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”
Top Ten Most Ironic Celebrity Deaths
10) Ellen DeGeneres – Suffocates in the closet
9) Susan Lucci – Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy
8) Jenny McCarthy – Struck by a random thought
7) Frank Sinatra – Killed by Stranglers in the Night
6) RuPaul – Prostate cancer
5) O.J. Simpson – Murdered by the “real killer” in an apparent suicide
4) Madonna – Exposure
3) Ted Kazynski – Mail bomb returned due to “insufficient postage”
2) Al Gore – Dutch Elm Disease
And the NUMBER ONE MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATH IS:
1) Bill Gates – Falls out of a Window
I Wouldn’t Want To Return Him Either
Bill’s barn burned down and his wife, Lynn, called the insurance company. Lynn spoke to the insurance agent and said, ‘We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.’ The agent replied, ‘Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new barn of similar worth.’ There was a long pause, and then Lynn replied, ‘If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.’
If Life Were Like A Computer:
• You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.
• You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!
• You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.
• You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.
• You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.
• To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”!
• If you mess up your life, you could always press “Ctrl, Alt, Delete” and start all over!
Coyote vs Acme
In the United States District Count, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B19345, Judge John Kujava, Presiding
Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff
Acme Company, Defendant
OPENING Statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, Attorney for Mr. Coyote:
My client, Mr. Wile E Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandize, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district and territory.
Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.
Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, “Defendant”), through that company’s mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A.
Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for workman’s Compensation.
Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote’s forelimbs to a length of fifty feet.
Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote’s body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trial along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.
Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs.
Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled.
Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.
Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme “Little Giant” Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalog and attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner.
To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiraling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Ace Bomb (Catalog #78- 832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote’s prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.
In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote’s careful preparations to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant’s product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote;
1. Severe singing of the hair on the head, neck and muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration.
3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling and ashy disintegration.
5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
We come now to the Acme Spring-powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff’s Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbra for analysis, but to date no explanation has been found for this product’s sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.
To increase the shoe’s thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote’s prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and- metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote’s prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release.
At this point, Defendant’s product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs uncoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.
The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came in contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time.
The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz, flatting of the cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote’s body tissues —- a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an off-key, accordion like wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote’s pursuit of a normal social life.
As the Count is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote’s work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant’s products, Mr. Coyote has no other source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.
Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorneys’ fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Total damages: thirty-eight million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.
Questions You Just Have To Ask
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow only to be troubled and insecure?
• Is there another word for “synonym”?
• Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
• When sign makers go on strike is anything written on their signs?
• When you open a bag of cotton balls is the top one meant to be thrown away?
• Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
• Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
• Why do they report power outages on TV?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• Is it possible to be totally partial?
• If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
• If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• When it rains why don’t sheep shrink?
• Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• Why is the word “abbreviation” so long?
• When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
What’s The Drinking Age Again?
After an exhausting weekend, I woke up Monday morning and sleepily packed lunch for my eight-year-old child. When I got home from work late that day, she handed me a note from her teacher, requesting that I see her. “What’s this all about?” I asked sternly. Opening her lunch box, my daughter showed me the drink I had packed for her that morning. It was a can of beer.
Types Of Girlfriends / Boyfriends
The 9 Types Of Girlfriends
Ms. Nice Gal – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you shouldn’t have.”
Also Known As: What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday.
Old Yeller – “You spineless good-for-nothing no-talent SOB! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable?”
Also Known As: She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans
Sickly - “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps.”
Also Known As: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
The Boss – “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.”
Also Known As: Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, or hair color?”
Also Known As: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C’mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman – “I’ve got an idea. Let’s get drunk and make love on the front lawn. I done it before. It’s fun!”
Also Known As: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Unconscious
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
Huffy – “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at”
Also Known As: No Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Disadvantages: You will have no friends.
Woman from Mars – “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how
I feel about our relationship”
Also Known As: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, Unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.
Ms. Dream Girl – “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you like a crazed weasel.”
Also Known As: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, The One
Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.
The 9 Types Of Boyfriends
Joe Sensitive – “After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, okay?”
Also Known As: Mr. Nice Guy, Family Man, Honey, Darling, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus – “People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let’s stay home and watch TV.”
Also Known As: Grumbles, Sour-Puss, Stick-in-the-Mud, Old Fogey, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Pain in the butt
Flinchy - “I–I’m sorry for whatever it was I did.”
Also Known As: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot - “Shut yer trap, I’m thinkin’.”
Also Known As: Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, The Hulk
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones - “Zzzzzz”
Also Known As: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Hobo, Bum, Sleepyhead
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams
The Sneak – “Who, me?”
Also Known As: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, SOB
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts – “After I wash the dishes let’s make love like crazed weasels.”
Also Known As: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer – “Someday I’m going to be rich and famous. I don’t know how, but–”
Also Known As: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Story Teller, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into “Old Man Grumpus”
Mr. Right – “While the servants wash the dishes, let’s make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht.”
Also Known As: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy, (Jokemeistr)
Advantages: Answer to a woman’s prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
Well At Least I’m Proud Of Them
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children’s world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a yearlong research project in India. One co-worker’s quip, however, stopped me short. ‘What is it about you,’ he asked, ‘that makes your kids want to get so far away?’