Why Women Have Handbags
New College Courses For Men As Prepared by Women
1… Combating Stupidity
2… You, Too, Can Do Housework
3… PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4… How to Fill an Ice Tray
5… We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
6… Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
7… Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled “Don’t Wash my Silks”)
8… Get a Life: Learn to Cook
9… Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
10… Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
11… Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
12… Reasons to Give Flowers
13… How Not to Act Like an Asshole When You’re Obviously Wrong
Some Folks Should Not Be Allowed On The Road
Some guy cut me off yesterday.
He was such a jerk. He just cut right in front of me like he owned the road. He didn’t look where he was going.
The jerk made me spill my latte on my phone and I wasn’t able to enter my voicemail password in the time allotted, so I got disconnected. He cut me off so suddenly, I dropped the cigarette I was lighting onto the floor. Fortunately, I was able to douse it with what was left of my latte. I hate that guy. Why don’t people look where they’re going?
It’s a good thing I was using the battery power on my electric razor, or between that and the cigarette, there could have been an electrical fire or something. I can’t believe that guy almost made me start a fire.
Even worse, I lost this cool station I was trying to find while I was cueing up the CD I wanted, as I was downshifting into second gear, to make a sharp right turn, while I checked the directions, on my laptop computer.
I really hate that guy!
New Employee Handbook
We will no longer accept doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all that you have. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you as you are. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Death (of Others):
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
Death (Your Own):
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. This exchange must be approved by both employee’s supervisors.
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Gross Pay: $1222.02
Income Tax 244.40
Outcome Tax 45.21
State Tax 11.61
Interstate Tax 61.10
County Tax 6.11
City Tax 12.22
Rural Tax 4.44
Back Tax 1.11
Front Tax 1.16
Side Tax 1.61
Up Tax 2.22
Down Tax 1.11
Carpet Tacks 0.98
Stadium Tax 0.69
Flat Tax 8.32
Ma’am Tax 2.60
Parking Fee 5.00
No Parking Fine 10.00
T.G.I.F. Fund 9.95
Life Insurance 5.85
Health Insurance 16.23
Liability Insurance 3.41
Dental Insurance 4.50
Mental Insurance 4.33
Coffee Cups 66.51
Floor Rental 16.85
Chair Rental .32
Desk Rental 4.32
Union Dues 5.85
Union Don’ts 3.77
Cash Advances 0.69
Cash Retreats 121.35
Eastern Time 9.00
Central Time 8.00
Mountain Time 7.00
Pacific Time 6.00
Bath Time 4.44
Time Out 12.21
Take Home Pay: $0000.02
Now, why don’t you contribute back to your employer and put in your own $0.02?
Beer Diet Plan
It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the “Beer-Me” diet. Personally, I have a “liquid dinner” every time I go to the club on Friday night!
FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn’t water is almost pure carbohydrates.
FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the “Beer-Me” diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.
FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).
FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you aren’t necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional “How did I get here?” when you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.
FACT: The “Beer-Me” diet is good for your heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart attacks.
FACT: On the “Beer-Me” diet you can eat anything you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed at least half of the day’s required beers. This way the food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the “lean-over-and-hurl” stomach crunches.
FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and get someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than yourself.
FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.
Based on these facts, let’s run through a given scenario for diet implementation.
CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.
MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically be a slob.
FRIDAY: Feeling “huge”, swing by the liquor store and stock up. Go to favorite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).
SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.
SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal due to an ongoing discussion with “the dog that bit you.” This is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories for the day, and you still don’t feel hungry.
SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played every day of the year except the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should be paced to cover the entire day-you don’t want to peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Don’t forget the aspirin.
MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for the upcoming weekend.
The Pace of Life
It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
-You have more fingers than you do teeth
-You cut your grass and find a car
-You consider Denny’s a Fancy Restaurant
-Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors
-Your age is higher than your I.Q.
-Your favorite pickup line is “Does this look infected to you?”
-You ask your wife whether the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies “Its a gummy bear.”
-You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.
-You say “Watch this” every time before you go to the hospital.
-Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.
Voice Mail Greetings
Actual answering machine messages recorded and verified by the World famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers:
1.) My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished washing dishes.
2.) A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.
3.) Hi, this is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
4.) Hi. Now you say something.
5.) Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
6.) Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?
7.) Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I’ll call sooner.
8.) Hi, John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator…. Please speak very slowly while I write down the message and I’ll stick it to myself with one of these magnets.
9.) Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
10.) This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.
11.) Hi. I am probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave a message and if I don’t call back, it’s you.
12.) Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
13.) If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.
14.) Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Carol. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Carol likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right… real slowly. So leave a message and when we’re done brushing our teeth we’ll get back to you.
Actual Bumper Stickers
• Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!
• There’s too much youth, how about a fountain of smart.
• P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
• When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
• Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
• Wink, I’ll do the rest!
• Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• When there’s a will, I want to be in it!
• Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
• I love animals…they’re delicious.
• If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
• It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
• Forget about World Peace…..Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
• Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Fun Things To Do During An Exam
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m so sure you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand any of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who are you? Where’s the regular guy?”
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . .). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas”. If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turret’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. ..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Forget this!” and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good of man.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?”
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office Vista, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”
CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we’ll find out.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business.