Friday Fun Stuff – 10-10-25

The Evil Voice – That Mitchell and Webb Look

Let One Go

10 Savage Replies To Roast Anyone

1. Them: “Nobody likes you.”
     You: “Good, I’m not here for nobody.”
2. Them: “You’re so full of yourself.”
     You: “Better than being full of nonsense like you.”
3. Them: “You changed a lot.”
     You: “Yeah, it’s called growth. You should try it.”
4. Them: “You think you’re smart?”
     You: “Smarter than wasting time on this chat.”
5. Them: “Why are you so quiet?”
     You: “Not everyone deserves my voice.”
6. Them: “Who asked you?”
     You: “The silence-so I answered.”
7. Them: “You act like you don’t care.”
     You: “Exactly, now you’re catching on.”
8. Them: “Why so rude?”
     You: “Why so basic?”
9. Them: “You changed.”
     You: “That’s what happens when you upgrade.”
10. Them: “You’re not even all that.”
     You: “And you’re not even close to all that.”

B.O.O.K.

Announcing The New Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge Device (BOOK)

It’s a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It’s so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere –even sitting in an armchair by the fire–yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD.

Here’s how it works: Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The “browse” feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an “index” feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional “BOOKmark” accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session — even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.

Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, coming soon, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus…..

After Death Checklist For My Best Friend

1. Clear my browser history
2. Keep posting to my social media as if it’s me in my coffin.
3. Remember the secret word that will let you know if a psychic is real.
4. Hire a bunch of big Italian guys to walk up to the casket and say very loudly, “Will miss you boss”. If someone asks them who they are make sure they say, “He didn’t want you to know”.
5. Tell that one guy that I never liked him.
6. Remember me.

Curing Loyalty Problems

A woman was complaining to her neighbor that she suspected her husband was cheating on her because he always came home at extremely late hours.

The neighbor said, “Dear, try what I did. One night, when my husband came home at 3 a.m. I called out, ‘Is that you Jeffrey?’ He never came home late again.

“That’s ridiculous! Just calling his name made him stop?” replied the neighbor with disbelief.

“You don’t understand.” replied the lady, “My husband’s name is Thomas.

Animal Truisms

• A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
• An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
• Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
• Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
• Although cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
• Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
• Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
• Dogs may shed, but cats shred.
• Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful
• I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
• I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
• I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
• If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
• In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
• No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
• Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
• Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
• Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
• We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
• When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
• Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Rabbi, My Wife Is Trying To Poison Me

A man went to see his Rabbi. He stated in a very serious tone, “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked, “How can that be?”

The man then pleaded, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”

The Rabbi then said, ‘Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out, and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi called the man and said, “Well, I met with your wife. We talked for three hours.”

The man anxiously replied, “Yes.”

“You want my advice?”

Again, the man anxiously replied, “Yes.”

“Take the poison,” said the Rabbi.

Viagra Line Of Drugs

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society….

DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks – especially cleaning up spills and “little accidents.”

COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store’s return limit.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA – This complex drug converts men’s noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA – This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into “special prosecutors.”

Sports Conclusions

Read the following statements and the amazing conclusion:

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is Golf.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Ten Things You Should Never Say During A Job Interview

Looking for a new job? Unfortunately, you’ll probably have to interview for the position. Here are a few things to avoid in that stressful moment.

(NOTE: Don’t be stupid enough to actually try any of the items below, or you’ll find yourself in jail, in the hospital, or, even worse, in the unemployment line!)

1. Oh, my criminal record? Well…if it helps, I didn’t pull the trigger.
2. If it involves sitting around doing nothing, I’m your man!
3. Are you busy later? I know a great little Italian place.
4. Wait, you wanted someone with at least a high school diploma? Never mind.
5. References? That may be a problem due to those stupid restraining orders.
6. Aren’t you Rachel’s dad? Man, she’s one wild and crazy chica!
7. Do you mind if I light up?
8. Where do I see myself a year from now? Sitting in your chair, actually.
9. Sorry if I’m not up to par this morning…I still have a nasty hangover.
10. Before we start the interview, can I get an advance on my pay? My bookie’s an impatient man.

The Collision

A woman in a Range Rover is driving through the mall parking lot. Eventually after twenty minutes of increasing anger she finds a parking space. As she is about to carefully reverse in, a Porsche 911 appears from nowhere and blasts into the spot.

The driver, complete with sunglasses and racing gloves gets out and smirks at the woman. “That’s what ya call acceleration, lady!” he yells.

Then to his horror he watches the woman back up 100 yards and accelerate up to 60mph right into his precious Porsche, damaging it beyond recognition.

As the woman gets out she shouts, “That’s what you call a rental car with collision damage insurance smartass!”

It’s Really Hard To Cook With Paws