A Millennial Job Interview
Dating Hints For Men
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date…
• I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
• I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you.
• I used to come here all the time with my ex.
• Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
• I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.
• It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.
Almost New Porche
A man was reading the morning newspaper when an ad caught his eye. The ad clearly announced, “Porche For Sale. New! $500!”. The man thought it was very unusual to sell a Porche for $500 and figured it was probably a joke, but thought he’d check it out anyhow.
He went to the house of the woman who was selling the Porche and she led him into the garage. Much to his surprise, inside the garage was an almost brand new Porche.
“Wow! Would it be all right if I take it for a test drive?” he asked, feeling sure that there must be something terribly wrong with the car.
“Sure,” the woman said. Unlike what he expected, the car ran perfectly.
When he got back to her house, he asked, “Why are you selling this great car for only $500?”
The woman laughed and replied, “Well, my husband just ran off with his receptionist and he told me I could have the house and the furniture, but I was to sell his Porche and send him the money!”
Top Ten Ways To Annoy Your Waiter
Warning: We do not recommend you try any of these unless you really don’t care what you eat.
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, “Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?”
8. After he describes each special, you shout, “Garbage!”
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, “Minimum wage”.
6. Every few seconds, yell, “More waffles, Cuomo!”
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, “You wouldn’t charge Superman for dinner, would you?”
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, “He’s gonna spit in the chowder!”
1. Three words: eat the check.
A Mean Guide For Taking Revenge
The BIG Rules Of Revenge:
The first rule: Only do it if the person deserves it.
The second rule: Don’t get caught.
The third rule: Be legal
The fourth rule: Planning is essential
The fifth rule: Always have a contingency plan
The sixth rule: Be creative.
The seventh rule: Take an Oath of silence
The eighth rule: Have fun
My favorite revenges:
1. Sign your ex up for a dating scheme. There are so many dating sites online. Be creative in their profile. Make sure you add all their real phone numbers and email addresses.
2. You still have some clothes of your ex? Take your ex’s favorite clubbing shirt and use an ultraviolet pen and write what’s on your mind! Under any black light your message will appear… doesn’t this sound good!
3. Make up elaborate flyers for a wild party at your ex’s house. Print at least two hundred and hand them out on the street. Waiting for the festivities to start, it will really make you feel good!
4. Subscribe your ex to every form of junk mail and spam you can find. There are so many really embarrassing places online where you can order catalogues and junk mail.
5. Subscribe your ex to kinky magazines (fetish and bestiality ones come to mind), use their name but use the address of his or her neighbor. It works… trust me!
6. Get a dead animal, leave it in vinegar for a couple of days, take it out and leave it in the sun for a couple of days. Now, take an airtight plastic container and black it out if necessary, so that you can’t see through it. Insert animal, wrap up container and weigh it. Go on the internet, check postage prices, buy stamps and attach to package. Use a postbox to send to the revengee. Untraceable, and virtually no effort.
7. Sign your ex up for any and all of those stupid daily text services for their cell phone.
8. Loosen all the plumbing fittings under their sink
9. Report her license plate number to the local police as a suspect in last nights bank robbery.
10. Send the slutiest naked pictures of your ex to her parents on a Christmas card. Make it seem as if you have sent them to everyone you know.
11. Take all the legs off her furniture.
Once you have taken revenge go ahead and live a happy life! If you run into him / her someday and he sees just how well off that you are without him / her, then they will wish that they had such a wonderful life too but they can’t because you moved on.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
1. You have guns in your house that you cannot find.
2. You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive department is raising your truck another 8 inches.
3. You think Wal-Mart is expensive.
4. You’ve got more guns “On Display” than Wal-Mart Sporting Goods.
5. You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.
6. Your horse wears shoes, but you don’t.
7. It doesn’t bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted.
8. You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.
9. You ask your 10 year old son how to spell a word.
10. Your dog is your alarm clock.
11. Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.
12. You have all the “Dukes of Hazard” episodes on tape.
13. You can give a summary of all the “Dukes of Hazard” episodes.
14. You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.
15. It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.
16. You’ve ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.
17. You’ve ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.
18. You’ve ever shoplifted Spam.
19. You don’t understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.
20. Your son has ever stolen dissected frogs from Biology class so that your family won’t go hungry.
The Hormone Hostage
|THE HORMONE HOSTAGE KNOWS THAT THERE ARE DAYS IN THE MONTH WHEN ALL A MAN HAS TO DO IS OPEN HIS MOUTH & HE TAKES HIS LIFE INTO HIS OWN HANDS! THIS IS A HANDY GUIDE THAT SHOULD BE AS COMMON AS A DRIVER’S LICENSE IN THE WALLET OF EVERY HUSBAND, BOYFRIEND, CO-WORKER, OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER!
The Top Ten Signs That Someone Is Using Your E-mail Account
10. “Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?”
9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says “You’ve got lawsuits!”
6. You’re suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
5. Sotheby’s says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
3. Terse “Knock it off, Oedipus” e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Olga, your Russian mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. “The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately.”
F My Life
Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediately ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said “Bermuda, 1989″. They’ve told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I’ve seen my own conception. FML
Today, my parents reorganized my whole room when I was out watching a movie with a friend. They got rid of everything they deemed as junk which included my favorite childhood toy, 2 essays due tomorrow, and my old jacket where I keep my money. I’m out $75, and stuck at home rewriting my essays. FML
Today, I went on a walk with the guy I like. He held my hand, so I decided to tell him that I had feelings for him. He said that he had feelings for me too. I smiled and leaned in to kiss him. He put his hand on my face and pushed it away, and said “until your acne clears, we are NOT together.” FML
Today, my parents yelled at me for 10 minutes without letting me get a word in edgewise for getting a 48 on my test. They took my phone, unplugged my internet, and took my car keys. They wouldn’t listen no matter how many times I told them “It was out of 50″. It actually was. FML
Today, I took a quiz my math teacher gave us. He claimed it was “Impossible” for anyone to get a perfect score on it. I honestly didn’t know any of the answers, and guessed on the whole thing. Apparently, I got them all right. He accused me of cheating and gave me a double zero. FML
Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn’t home since I couldn’t bare to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML
Today, is the day my husband was supposed to come home from a six month tour at sea. I heard the door bell ring. I sprinted to the door expecting to hold my honey bear, instead two uniformed sailors with a folded flag greeted me. I burst into tears. My husband walked up behind me. He laughed. FML
Today, a woman threw her car in reverse at an intersection and backed up into me, while I was at a complete stop. She called the cops accusing me of rear ending her. I now have a $146 ticket for reckless driving, and around $2,500 in damage to the front of my car. She’s suing for me damages. FML
Today, I was wearing my workout clothes that consist of short shorts and a tank top and was walking to my car. I then heard a bunch of men whistling and saying “Who’s your daddy?” and “Why don’t you come over here, cutie.” As I got closer I realized that it was my dad and his friends. FML
Today, I was out to dinner with my little sister when this elderly woman sitting alone started choking and I rushed over and started doing the Heimlich Maneuver, She’s now pressing charges on me for assault. I’m a paramedic. FML
Today, I had an elaborate plan to ask this girl to Prom, and it was going to take a few minutes to set up. I asked my friend to distract her. He decided to distract her by asking her to Prom. She said “Yes”. FML
Today, my mom walked in on me looking at a 1978 playboy. She asked if I found it in the basement. I said yes. Then I realized she was the centerfold. FML
Today, an old girlfriend from years ago wanted to have lunch. Seeing as I had nothing to do, I went with her. She introduced me to her son. Apparently I am the father. My son is 6. FML
Today, for my two-year anniversary I got my girlfriend a very expensive diamond necklace. She got me male enhancement pills. FML
In Honor Of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping.
(That’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (…the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (…and that would be???)
On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (…but, it’s just a suggestion.)
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) –
“Do not turn upside down.” (…well…duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.”
(…and you thought????…)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.”
(but wouldn’t this save me time?)
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine –
“Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness”
(…I’m taking this because???….)
On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
(as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.”
(now somebody out there help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts”
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: say what?)
On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (Oh my God. Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Mostly Legal Ways To Get Out Of Jury Duty
• Say you cannot be impartial because the thought of crime makes you uncontrollably horny
• Take one of those pills that lower your heart rate so they’ll think you’re dead. Then when they bury you suffocate to death in the coffin
• Plead guilty to the crime
• Claim the judge as a dependent on your taxes
• Respond to everything with “That’s definitely going in my SVU spec!”
• Huck a pudding cup into the ceiling fan
• Preface everything you say with “As somebody who thinks cousins should be fair game…”
• Create a conflict by marrying the defendant
• Make it known that if the death penalty is sentenced, you want to do it yourself
• During the trial, keep asking what the score is