The Chipmunk Impeachment Song
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!
• All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
• The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
• My wife said “If you go hunting or fishing one more time I’m going to leave you” …I’m sure going to miss her.
• My karma ran over your dogma.
• I brake for… wait… AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!
• A fool and his money are a girl’s best friend.
• My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!
• “I is a college student.”
• If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
• Drink coffee and do stupid things faster with more energy!!!! :~) :~) :~P
Lockheed Martin Customer Feedback
Please fill out and mail this card within three days of purchase.
Thank you for purchasing a Lockheed Martin military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below.
Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other
First Name ______________
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
__F-14 Tomcat __F-15 Eagle __F-16 Falcon __F-119A Stealth __ Classified
3. Date of purchase:
Month_____ Day_____ Year______
4. Serial Number______
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
_Received as Gift/Aid Package
_Sleazy Arms Broker
_Hijacked it using one of your spies
6. Please check how you became aware of the Lockheed Martin product you have just purchased:
_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by manufacturer
_Was attacked by one
_Was bombed by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision to purchase this Lockheed Martin product:
_Recommended by salesperson
_ Lockheed Martin Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
_Misc. Third-World Countries
9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future:
_Imperial Star Destroyer
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that apply:
_Corrupt (Latin American)
11. How did you pay for your Lockheed Martin product?
_Suitcases of Cocaine
_Swiss bank account transactions
_Counterfeit $1,000 dollar bills
13. To help us understand our Customers’ lifestyles, please indicate all the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating in on a regular basis:
_Mutually Assured Destruction
Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help Lockheed Martin serve you better in the future — as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
Comments or suggestions about our products? Please write to:
Lockheed Martin Corporation
6801 Rockledge Drive
Bethesda, MD 20817
A Guide For All Women
A woman’s guide to what a man is really saying:
I’VE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.
I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this.
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before.
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesn’t look that much different!
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!
LET’S TALK, HONEY.
I’m trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you’d like to have se x with me.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have se x with other guys.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.
Two children are in a doctor’s waiting room, and one of them is crying.
“Why are you crying?” asked the other child.
“I’m here for a blood test, and they’re going to cut my finger.”
When he heard this, the other child started to cry.
“Why are you crying?”
“I’m here for a urine test.”
Computer Problem Report Form
1. Describe your problem: ____________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately: ________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: ____________________________
4. Problem Severity: A. Minor __ B. Minor __ C. Minor __ D. Trivial __
5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up __ B. Frozen __ C. Hung __ D. Strange Smell __
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes __ No___
7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes __ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes __
10. Have you had a friend who knows all about computers try to fix it for you? Yes __ No __
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __
12. Have you read the manual? Yes __ No __
13. Are you sure you’ve read the manual? Maybe __ No __
14. Are you absolutely sure you’ve read the manual? No __
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes __ No __
16. If Yes, then explain why you can’t fix the problem yourself._____________
17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? ______________
l8. If you answered nothing, then explain why you were logged in? ________________________________________________________________
l9. Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem? Yes __ No __
20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink12:00? Yes __ What’s a VCR? __
21. Do you have a copy of PCs for Dummies? Yes __ No __
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes __ No __
23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes __ No __
24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes __ No __
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes __ No __
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes __ Not Yet __
27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes __
Poor Choice Of Website Names
All of these are legitimate companies that didn’t spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear … and be misread.
These are not made up. Check them out yourself!
1. “Who Represents” is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com
2 Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. There’s the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com
6. And don’t forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you’re looking for IP computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com
8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com
9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com
A mother and her young son were flying JetBlue Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother said, “Well, maybe that’s something you could ask the stewardess.”
So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”
The boy admitted that this was the case. “Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because JetBlue always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you.”
Thin People Just Think Differently Then Fat People
The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people.
…avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;
…split a large combination pizza with three friends;
…think Oreo cookies are for kids;
…nibble cashews one at a time;
…think that doughnuts are indigestible;
…read books they have to hold with both hands;
…become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;
…fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;
…counteract the mid-afternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;
…exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;
…lose their appetites when they’re depressed;
…think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;
…save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make interesting soups;
…throw out stale potato chips;
…will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a special store;
…think it’s too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;
…don’t celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;
…warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped cream;
…try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;
…find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;
…get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never quite work their way over to the hors-d’oeuvre table;
…have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly beans to an equal number of each color;
…think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;
…bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;
…think banana splits are for kids.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
1. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are “Play Ball…”
2. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
3. You bring your dog to work with you.
4. Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
5. You’ve ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
6. You have every episode of “Hee Haw” on tape.
7. Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
8. Your masseuse uses lard.
9. Your wife’s best shoes have steel toes.
10. You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
11. On stag night, you take a real deer.
12. You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
13. Your back porch is bigger than your house.
14. There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
15. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
16. A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
17. An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
18. You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother’s tooth.
19. You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
20. Your secret family recipe is illegal.
Martha Stewart Explains Jewish Food
A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkas can be eaten with apple -sauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heart burn for the same amount of time.
It’s a GOOD thing.
The Egyptians’ revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water – no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after.
One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with Varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni (noodles).Why a bow-tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that “You can’t come to the table without a tie” or, G-d forbid “An elbow on my table?”
Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can you imagine the N.J. Post 1939 headlines: “Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes over Poland – shortage of sour cream expected” Basically this is the Jewish answer to crepe Suzette.
You know from Haggis? Well, this ain’t it. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it. Today we use parchment paper or plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour, and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent (see below) and let it cook for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.
It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its origins. One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it.
This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher of course) I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican fried beans: “What! Do they serve leftover cholent here too?!” My wife once tried something unusual for guests: She made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back.
A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son (5 years old) looked at them and commented “Is that why we call it ‘Ge Filtered Fish’?” Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with horse radish (“chrain”) which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.
How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel although I don’t know any. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegian who couldn’t get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn’t take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis.