Friday Fun Stuff – 11-28-25

Weird Al Narrates Thanksgiving

Funny Thanksgiving – Elementary School Comedy Skit

How To Cook A Turkey

Step 1. Buy a turkey
Step 2. Have a glass of wine
Step 3. Stuff turkey
Step 4. Have a glass of wine
Step 5. Put turkey in oven
Step 6. Relax and have a glass of wine
Step 7. Turk the bastey
Step 8. Wine of glass another get
Step 9. Hunt for meat thermometer
Step 10. Glass yourself another pour of wine
Step 11. Bake the wine for 4 hours
Step 12. Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 14. Tet the sable
Step 15. Grab another wottle of bine
Step 16. Turk the carvey!

Shooting the Thanksgiving Turkey

Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving . . . you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department.

10 Rules For Thanksgiving Dinner At My House

Print and give copy to each guests that enters your home.

1. Don’t get in line asking questions about the food. ‘Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won’t be able to eat anything.

2. If you can’t walk or are missing any limbs, sit your ass down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little asses to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my damn house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it’s time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their asses!

4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for somebody who gives a damn. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.

5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don’t, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy ass home next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don’t let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn’t bring anything over, don’t let me catch you making a plate period or there will be a misunderstanding.

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn’t belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call will have your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call DHS on your ignorant ass!!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICK THE HELL OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy ass family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR DEBIT CARDS YET!

Alone On Thanksgiving? Mad At Your Dad?

Let Me Help You Get Back At Your Family For You

I am a 28 year old felon with no high school degree, and a dirty old van one year younger than me painted like Eddie Van Halen’s guitar I can pass for anywhere between the ages of 20 and 29 depending on if I shave. I’m a line cook and work late nights at a bar. If you’d like to have me as your strictly platonic date for Thanksgiving, but have me pretend to be in a very long or serious relationship with you to torment your family? I’m game.

I can do these things, at your request:
Openly hit on other female guests while you act like you don’t notice.
Start investigative discussions about politics and/or religion.
Propose to you in front of everyone.
Pretend to be really drunk as the evening goes on (Sorry, I don’t drink, but I used to, a lot, too much in fact I know the drill).
Start an actual physical fight with a family member, either inside or on the front lawn for all the neighbors to see.

I require no pay but the free meal I will receive as a guest!

Dog Rules

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

A Martha Stewart-less Thanksgiving

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I’m telling you in advance, so don’t act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won’t be coming, I’ve made a few small changes.

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I’ve gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match, and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I’m sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims, and the turkey hotline.

Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

As accompaniment to the children’s recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We’ve also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony.

I stress “private”, meaning Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that “passing the rolls” is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread. Oh, and one reminder for the adults For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won’t come next year either. I am thankful, very thankful.

Real Mothers

Real Mothers don’t eat quiche; they don’t have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried play dough doesn’t come out of shag carpets.

Real Mothers don’t want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.

Real Mothers sometimes ask “why me?” and get their answer when a little voice says, “because I love you best.”

Real Mothers know that a child’s growth is not measured by height or years or grade . . . It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.

Nice Warning

One evening after the honeymoon, Tom was out in the garage tinkering with his tools, happily welding just for fun. His new bride leaned against the workbench, watching quietly.

After a long pause, she said, “Honey, now that we’re married, maybe it’s time you stop spending so much time out here. You could sell the welders, your gun collection, the golf clubs… and honestly, that old Harley has to go.”

Tom froze, staring at her like she’d grown two heads.

“What’s wrong, darling?” she asked sweetly.

“For a second there,” Tom said slowly, “you sounded just like my ex-wife.”

Her eyes widened. “EX-WIFE?! You never told me you’d been married before!”

Tom shrugged. “I haven’t.”

Twelve Commandments For Seniors

1. Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
2. “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
3. You don’t need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.
4. Your people skills are just fine. It’s your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
5. The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don’t need to write that down. I’ll remember it.”
6. “On time” is when you get there.
7. Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
8. It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
9. Lately, you’ve noticed people your age are so much older than you.
10. Growing old should have taken longer
11. Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn’t shut you up.
12. You still haven’t learned to act your age and hope you never will.

… And one more:

“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house

Some People Do Have A Sense Of Humor

I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath….throw the washing in.”

However, the bloke on the next table said, “My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died.”

If the ground could have swallowed me up I’d of been happy.

I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?”

He said, “No, he choked on a sock.”

He Feels Bad Enough On Thanksgiving You Don’t Have To Rub It In Bugs