Friday Fun Stuff – 8-31-12

MadTV eHarmony

Muppet Teens

Employee Performance Evaluation Quotes

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”
4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
6. “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
7. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
8. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
9. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
10. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”
11. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”
12. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
13. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
15. “He’s been working with glue too much.”
16. “He would argue with a signpost.”

Bad Divorce

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse.

Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. “I’m sorry Mickey, but I can’t legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane…”

Mickey replied, “I didn’t say she was mentally insane, I said that she’s fu(king goofy!”

10 Terrifying Facts About This Year’s College Freshmen

1. For this generation of entering college students, born in 1994, Kurt Cobain, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, Richard Nixon and John Wayne Gacy have always been dead.

2. Michael Jackson’s family, not the Kennedys, constitutes “American Royalty.”

3. Robert De Niro is thought of as Greg Focker’s long-suffering father-in-law, not as Vito Corleone or Jimmy Conway.

4. They have never seen an airplane “ticket.”

5. Benjamin Braddock, having given up both a career in plastics and a relationship with Mrs. Robinson, could be their grandfather.

6. The Real World has always stopped being polite and started getting real on MTV.

7. Bill Clinton is a senior statesman of whose presidency they have little knowledge.

8. Pulp Fiction’s meal of a “Royale with Cheese” and an “Amos and Andy milkshake” has little or no resonance with them.

9. Despite being preferred urban gathering places, two-thirds of the independent bookstores in the United States have closed for good during their lifetimes.

10. They grew up, somehow, without the benefits of Romper Room.

Dear Internal Revenue Service,

Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 ” Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5″ Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.


A Satisfied Taxpayer

More Ways To Annoy People

1. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
2. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
3. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
4. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
5. Drum on every available surface.
6. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
7. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
8. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
9. Construct your own pretend “tricorder,” and “scan” people with it, announcing the results.
10. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
11. Set alarms for random times.
12. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
13. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
14. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
15. Honk and wave to strangers.
16. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
17. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
18. Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
19. Wear your pants backwards.
20. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
21. Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
23. only type in lowercase.
24. dont use any punctuation either

Dilbert’s Modern Vocabulary

An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. “I’ve been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”

Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located.

Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in “We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in.”

A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in “This is Dylan, my … um … friend”.

New Rules:

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.

Ten Things You’ll Never Hear From A Southern Boy

1. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen.
2. You can’t feed that to the dog.
3. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
4. Trim the fat off that steak.
5. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
6. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
7. Duct tape won’t fix that.
8. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
9. I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
10. Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin’.

The Avon Lady

An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.

Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He began to sniff.

The Avon lady asked, “Do you smell something?”

“Why, yes, I do,” he replied.

“What does it smell like?”

“Hmmm, I’m not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit in a pine tree.”

Things Only A Mother Can Teach

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until your father gets home.”

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING….
“You are going to get it when we get home!”

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you … Don’t talk back to me!”

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me.”

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD…
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.”

7. My Mother taught me ESP…
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’re cold?”

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

10. My Mother taught me about SEX….
“How do you think you got here?”

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You’re just like your father.”

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

14. And my all time favorite… JUSTICE…
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you… then you’ll see what it’s like”

Do You Get The Feeling We Forgot Something?
Look Mom I Almost Fit Inside!
I Told You This House Was A Great Buy! You Can Even Hear The Ocean!
He Should Have Divorced The Bitch Years Ago
Moron! If You Don’t Put A Top On They Can Climb Out!
I’d Rather Just Ditch That Day
See It Wasn’t Just The Liberals Who Thought So
And The Most Idiotic Tattoo Goes Too…
But He Never Calls When I’m Sober
Why Can’t We Give Senor Citizens Driving Tests Again?

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