Friday Fun Stuff – 5-31-24

If Mom Was A Marvel Superhero

Shoot at The Stars – SCTV

How To Ruin A First Date In 20 Seconds

• “Mispronounce their name so horribly that they can’t understand how you got it so wrong. Try it again and mispronounce it even worse, then just give up and say, ‘It’s not worth it.’”
• “Everyone suggests shitting their pants. Be original. Shit her pants.”
• “Excuse me while I make sure my parole officer knows I am here.”
• “Berate the waiter for bringing a glass of ice water with an odd number of ice cubes.”
• “You looked way hotter in your pictures.”
• “Tell her, ‘Sorry I’m late, my mom had a hard time finding the place.’”
• “See, the thing about Crypto is….”
• “Maintain unbroken eye contact for 20 seconds straight without saying a word, then whisper, ‘I’ve been waiting for you my whole life.’”
• “So, I have this incredible business opportunity where you can earn a lot by recruiting others to join.”
• “Be myself…”
• “You look much prettier than the voices told me you would look.”
• “Fart loudly. Perhaps even lift the leg, and definitely do not break eye contact. Really own it.”
• “‘You look scrumptious, Milady!’ –kisses woman’s hand-“
• “Open with something like…‘My ex and I used to come here all the time. He was SUCH an arsehole. Let me count the ways…’”
• “Have you heard of our lord and savior?”
• “I love you.”

College Entrance Exam – College Football Player Edition

Time Limit: 3 weeks

YOU MUST ANSWER TWO OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY!

1.) What language is spoken in France?

2.) Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
OR
Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.

3.) Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army
(D) WRITE A PLAY

4.) What religion is the Pope? (Check only one)
(a) Jewish
(B) CATHOLIC
(c) Hindu
(d) Swedish
(e) Agnostic

5.) Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?

6.) What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?

7.) How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)

8.) What are people in America’s far north called?
(a)Westerners
(b)Southerners
(C)NORTHERNERS

9.) Spell – CAT, DOG, PIG

10.) Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the sixth. Name the previous five.

11.) Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy’s
(b) 7-11 stores
(c) cats and dogs
(D) THE SKY

12.) Can you explain Einsteins’s theory of relativity?
(a) Yes
(b) No

13.) What are coat hangers used for?

14.) The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15.) Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium.
OR
Spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS

16.) Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17.Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) Nigeria
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Australia

18.) If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?

19.) What is the phone number for 911?

20.) How many Chinese Urns in a dozen?

21.) If Sacramento is the state capitol of California, what is the state capitol of California?

22.) Where does wood come from?
(a) TREES
(b) Asphalt
(c) Steel

23.) If I have 10 dollars and I give you 10 dollars, how much money do I have left?

EXTRA CREDIT:
Using your fingers, count from 1-5.

UN-Written…“RULES Of Being A MAN”

• If you see a skid in the toilet you have to pee it off.
• Maintain eye contact, even when the cleavage is begging for attention.
• If you ever tie anything down to a trailer, you must then slap it and say “that’ll hold”. Same for roof if the car of hanging out the back.
• No matter your age. A stick is a cool sword.
• Unless it’s forked, then it’s a gun
• Always click the tongs before use.
• Be nice to everyones’ mother.
• Wash your hands at least three times between cutting chillies and touching your dick.
• Be a smart arse to your friends to their faces, relentlessly and without pause.
• If they’re not there, have their back, and never smack talk ’em.
• Don’t ever let the boy inside of the man die. If the boy dies there will be nothing left.
• You will stare into your own urinal bowl, and your own urinal bowl only. Throughout the process of urination, you can only look directly forward.
• Never compliment a man’s watch while at the urinal. If you do speak, it is into the wall in front of you.
• You will return the head nod.
• One must never, EVER roast a friend to try and impress a girl.
• Death before taking more than one trip to bring in all the grocery bags from the car
• Always respect the forklift certified man. (Or a hot chick doing photoshoot)
• You must deploy the sneeze at maximum volume.
• Silent farts around strangers. Loud farts amongst friends.
• If someone complains that it’s hot you must immediately and without delay respond with, “it’s not the heat that gets you, it’s the humidity.”
• An unwritten rule of being a man: Always offer to help move heavy furniture, even if you secretly hope they say no.
• REPLY to Move heavy Furniture: And only take beer as payment.
• You are expected to at least once be on meat duty, Expect to be given un-required advice about how to BBQ the meat.
• After a certain age, you should walk slowly with one hand, grabbing the other behind your back.
• It is also acceptable to stand in this position while observing something and make general remarks about the situation you’re observing.
• Leave one urinal between you and the other guy.

Controversial Diagnosis

A patient complained to his doctor, “I’ve been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis.”

The doctor calmly replied, “Just wait until the autopsy, then they’ll see that I was right.”

Warnings for Kids

Parents: If you haven’t done so already, you might want to use the below listed warnings as a check-list to ensure that you have properly warned your offspring of some of the dangers they face in this life.

Don’t pet any strange dog: it will eat your face off

Don’t go into the street: a car will run you over and you’ll end up looking like a banana pancake

Don’t forget to wash your hands after playing outside: there are millions of tiny eggs under your fingernails that get into your mouth and hatch in your belly, and then at night worms crawl out into your bed

Don’t play in the refrigerator: there is green stuff on the leftovers that is growing faster than you are…by morning it will break out of the plastic containers and beat you up

Don’t touch the knives: you’ll cut off your fingers and then you can say good-bye to things like ripping off your diaper, locking yourself in the bathroom and poking the dessert just before the company comes

Don’t stand around with your fingers in your nose: other kids will think you’re creepy and throw things at you

Don’t unbuckle your seat belt: you might get arrested and put in prison where you’ll have to celebrate your birthday with a bunch of murderers, perverts and lawyers

Don’t bite on that electrical cord: there’s energy inside that will blow up your teeth …you’ll never be able to chew paper, old gum from the sidewalk or dog kibble again

Don’t open the dishwasher and jump up and down on the door: mommy will have to call a repairman, and then daddy will have a heart attack and die

Don’t put your tongue on anything outside: a dog went pee-pee there

Don’t drink anything in the garage: it’s all poison and we’ll have to take you to the hospital and they’ll put tubes in your stomach and pump everything out and make you watch

Don’t take anything in the medicine cabinet: it’s all very strong medicine and we’ll have to take you to the hospital where they’ll remove your stomach and put tubes in so we can feed you

Don’t drink anything in the kitchen cabinets: it’s all very strong cleaners and you’ll have to spend the rest of the week sitting on the toilet while the cleaners empty your insides

Don’t chase the birds: it’s bad enough we’re feeding them moldy bread

Don’t play in the fireplace: a reindeer went pee-pee in there

Don’t hit Mommy or Daddy’s computers with anything: if they break, Daddy will have to buy new ones…and you’ll have to get a job delivering papers to pay for them

Don’t try to kiss animals: they eat yukky stuff and will try to bite off your tongue

Don’t play in the toilet: Remember, the toilet is dirty even though it looks clean, the germs in there are even worse than the ones under your fingernails…mommy and daddy are even afraid of them

Don’t keep on wearing those old shoes: they’re too small and your feet will shrivel up like the potatoes in the vegetable bin and you won’t be able to run away from mommy or daddy

Naturally, you’ll probably want to add thousands of others to suit your own environment. This is intended as a starter kit only.

New Words to Beverly Hillbilly’s

Sing to tune of “The Beverly Hillbilly’s”

New words – old song

Come listen to a story ’bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, “they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer…”

Windows, that is… PC’s… Internet…

Well, the first thing ya know ol’ Jed’s an engineer.
The kinfolk said “Jed, move away from here”.
They said “California is the place ya oughta be”,
So he packed up his disks and moved to Silicon Valley…

Intel, that is… big amusement park…

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him lots of donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said “your project’s late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we’ll work you 52!”

OT, that is… unpaid… no personal days…

The weeks rolled by and things were looking pretty bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple… “We’ll work him 66!”

Tired, that is… stressed out… no social life…

Months turned to years and his hair was turning gray.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.

Laid off, that is… de-briefed…unemployed…

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you’re told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you’re old.
So gather up your friends and start up your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.

Millionaires, that is… Bill Gates… Steve Jobs…

Y’all come back now… ya hear’

Why A Messy Office Is Better Than A Clean One

10. Annoying coworkers will give your cubicle a wide berth.
9. Tons of visual aids in reach to use for explanations about last night’s episode of The Walking Dead.
8. Much more likely to trip and injure yourself for your entry into the lawsuit lottery.
7. Ability to waste an entire day cleaning your office.
6. In case of hostage situation, plenty of makeshift weapons.
5. Perfect camouflage for your unwashed clothes.
4. Taking bets on rat races can be highly profitable.
3. You can pretend to lose the file that will delay the meeting much more easily.
2. If you spill your coffee, there are always crumbs to soak it up.
1. Makes you look busier than neatnik coworkers.

Now You Know What It Feels Like

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK!

Careful…CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

You Might Be A Cop If…

1) People shout “I didn’t do it!” when you walk into a room.
2) Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
3) You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
4) You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
5) You believe prozac should be added regularly to the water system.
6) When you mention vegetables, you’re not referring to the food group.
7) You want to hold a seminar entitled “Suicide – getting it right the first time.”
8) You call for a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly toward you.
9) You believe anyone who says, “I only had two beers” is going to blow over 150.
10) You walk into places and people think it’s high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout, “They’ve come to get you…”.

Why I Didn’t Text You Back:

A) I was asleep
B) I was driving
C) I was ignoring you
D) I forgot
E) I saw your text and told myself that I was going to respond, but I wanted to finish what I was doing first. After that, I got side-tracked and went to do something else and completely forgot your text even existed because I was stuck in my own tiny world until I went to text you days or even weeks later about something completely unrelated.

Well At Least They Don’t Sugar Coat It