Friday Fun Stuff – 7-7-23

Dating Agency Videos – Smack the Pony

Candid Camera Gold: Buster Keaton (1961)

Society’s Burning Questions

1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
2. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
3. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead?”
4. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
5. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
6. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
7. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
8. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
9. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do… write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
10. Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
11. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?
12. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
13. STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
14. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
15. Clones are people two.
16. If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
17. No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.
18. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
19. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
20. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
21. Think “honk” if you’re telepathic.
22. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
23. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
24. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
25. Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
26. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

And That’s Why No One Can Find Him

I was chillin by the fire when Big Foot walks into my campsite, takes a beer out of the cooler and starts drinking it.

Then he looked right at me and said, “no one is going to believe you”.

Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Tech Support

1. “Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?”
2. “…that’s right, not even McGyver could fix it.”
3. “So…what are you wearing?”
4. “Duuuuuude! Bummer!”
5. “Looks like you’re gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap’n.”
6. “Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you’re with ’60 Minutes’. Press 3 if you’re with the FTC.”
7. “We can fix this, but you’re gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.”
8. “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
9. “In layman’s terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.”
10. “Hold on a second… Mom! Timmy’s hitting me!”
11. “Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of ‘Dianetics’.”
12. “Please hold for Mr. Gates’s attorney.”

Exercise For People From 50 Upwards

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty ofroom on each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight outfrom your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level)

After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag.

Two Line Jokes

Alcohol is a perfect solvent:
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

There are two kinds of people who don’t say much:
Those who are quiet. And Those who talk a lot.

They say that alcohol kills slowly.
So what? Who’s in a hurry?

My girlfriend asked me, “Do You believe in love at first sight”?
I said, “At the first sight of what?”

“Will the father be present during the birth?” asked the obstetrician.
“Nah,” replied the mother-to-be. “He and my husband don’t get along.”

My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.

“Just say NO to drugs!”
“Well, if I’m talking to my drugs… I probably already said yes.”

I would never cheat in a relationship,
because that would require two people to find me attractive.

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18-year-old.
Until she checked the freezer.

A skeleton walks into a bar.
He orders a beer and a mop.

You’re not completely useless.
You can always serve as a bad example.

I’m Not That Old

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old? Well……You’ll love this one!

My name is Alice Smith, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park high school.

‘Yes, yes I did. I’m a Morganner! ‘he beamed with pride.

‘When did you graduate?’ I asked

He answered, in 1975. Why do you ask?

‘You were in my class!’ I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.
Then the ugly,
Old,
Bald,
Wrinkled,
Fat assed,
Grey haired,
Decrepit,
Bastard asked…
‘What subject did you teach?’

Variations On Murphy’s Law

1. The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.
2. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
3. The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
4. The Law of Volunteering: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
6. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
7. Boob’s Law: You always find something in the last place you look.
8. Wailer’s Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
9. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
10. Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense.
11. Conway’s Law: In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
12. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.
14. Law of Drunkenness: You can’t fall off the floor.
15. Heeler’s Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
16. Osborne’s Law: Variables won’t; constants aren’t.
17. Main’s Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
18. Weinberg’s Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Take A Taxi Home

I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a “social session” with family or friends.

Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several beers followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and a few vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was well over the limit.

That’s when I did something I’ve never done before – I took a taxi home.

Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don’t know where I got it, and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it.

So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.

You Know You’re a Mom When . . .

1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor . . . and you don’t care.

2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone’s bleeding.

3. You can’t find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.

5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

6. Popsicles become a food staple.

7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.

9. You’re willing to kiss your child’s boo-boo, regardless of where it is.

10. Your baby’s pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her, after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.

11. Your kids make jokes about flatulence, burping, pooping, etc…. and you think it’s funny.

12. You’re so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

14. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.

15. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

16. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispy bars.

17. You’re up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller blading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet . . . you STILL managed to gain 10 pounds.

When You Get Old

A older couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I’m on the toilet. Please advise.

Seriously, There Are Easier Ways To Get High