Lou And That Woman
Ed Asner was one of best straight men ever RIP. FYI, this was 1970
Books Never Written
We used to think these up in third grade and the great thing about them is that I still think they’re funny now.
1. The Yellow River by I.P. Daily
2. The Numbers Game by Cal Q. Later
3. Under the Bleachers by Seymour Butts
4. Rusty Bed Springs by I.P. Freeley
5. How to Get Good Grades by B.A. Wiseman
6. Spots on the Wall by Hugh Flung Poo
7. Falling Off a Cliff by Eileen Dover
8. The Complete Proctologist’s Handbook by Ben Dover
9. The Joys of Drinking by Al Coholic
10. My Life with Igor by Frank N. Stein
11. Supporting Athletes by Jacques Strappe
12. Things That Itch by Mike Rotch
13. I Was Prepared by Justin Case
14. Small Treasures in the Toilet Bowl by I.P. Nickels
15. What Makes a Good Thief by Ian Yerhous
16. Waiting in Line for the Bathroom by Ivana Tinkle
17. Practical proctology by Bea Hind
18. The future of robotics by Cy Borg and Anne Droid
19. What to do if you’re in a car accident by Rhea Ender
20. How Things Work by Wyatt Dunne
21. Breathing Lessons by Hal E. Tosis
22. Why Should I Walk? by Iona Carr
23. Deep in Debt by Owen A. Lott
24. The Most and the Least by Maxi & Minnie Mum
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “l am very rich. Marry me!” That’s Direct Marketing
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, “He’s very rich. Marry him.” That’s Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.” That’s Telemarketing.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, “By the way, I’m very rich “Will you marry me?” That’s Public Relations.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, “You are very rich…? That’s Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I’m rich. Marry me” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That’s Customer Feedback.
Fairy Tales Rewritten
This is my version of how fairy tales and children’s stories should have gone. It points out the absurdity and foolishness that we just take for granted when we tell or read the story to our kids. Some may claim the stories are metaphors and have hidden lessons in them, but I maintain that a good story, even one with a metaphor or lesson, should still make sense.
I’m not saying these stories would be more entertaining this way, but I derive a sense of entertainment from rewriting them to be more logical.
1. Goldilocks – The bears lock the door when they leave and Goldilocks can’t get in. The End.
2. Little Red Riding Hood – The wolf eats Little Red Riding Hood when he meets her in the forest instead of going through all the trouble of taking a shortcut and impersonating her grandmother. The End.
3. The Three Little Pigs – The wolf eats all three pigs while they’re building their houses. The End.
4. All Curious George books – The man with the yellow hat takes responsibility for his pet instead of leaving him unsupervised. George no longer gets into trouble. The End.
5. The Wizard of Oz – Dorothy trades her slippers for the Wicked Witch’s broom and goes home. The End.
6. Rumpelstiltskin – When the king asks the miller if it’s true that his daughter can spin straw into gold the miller says, “Of course not, I was being metaphorical.” The End.
7. Cinderella – Cinderella goes to the ball in her normal clothes and even the shallow Prince can see she’s beautiful. The End.
How Is Dating Not An Official Sport?!
You have: matches, players, strategy, competition, balls, goals, pros, amateurs, penalties, scoring, spectators, losers, game-time decisions, leagues, alternates, physical effort, protective gear & if you win the championship, you get a ring.
Signatures To Spice Up Your Emails
• Stoically while staring out at the sea,
• See you in Hell,
• Baby bye bye bye (bye bye bye),
• Stay fresh, cheese bags,
• Await the signal,
• Take care or else,
• Softly and tenderly like Julie Andrews holding a baby bird,
• Stuck inside a computer beep boop beep boop,
• Hail Cthulhu,
• Watch the skies, traveller,
• Please be nice I’m sensitive,
• Still deeply confused by Tenet but too afraid to ask at this point,
• Sent from my iPhone OR WAS IT,
• And if you don’t know, now you know,
• Naked and afraid,
• New York Times #1 Bestselling Author,
• Respond at your convenience but know I will be panicking until you do,
Just How Did He Sell The First One
Guy who invented the clock: There will be 12 numbers on it.
Friend: So, the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: No, 24
Friend: So, will the day start at 1?
Inventor: The day will start at the 12, which is at night.
Inventor: And the 6 means 30.
Signs You Should Stop Going To Your Office Happy Hour
1. Your office happy hour is at a rave.
2. Your day-drinking tends to lead to night-weeping.
3. After your second drink, you’re an “I need to show the bartender where my neighbor’s Doberman bit off part of my penis when I was in fourth grade” kinda guy.
4. You’ll do literally anything to be accepted by Kevin the intern—especially now that he has the really good bath salts hookup.
5. In your experience, your office “happy hour” could more accurately be described as your “uncontrollable-meat-sweats-in-the-ladies-room hour.” And yet, you continue to order the BBQ pork shoulder plate.
6. Your desire to climb up the corporate ladder invariably leads to you resting your head on your boss’s lap and singing the entirety of “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails.
7. You work in a toll booth.
8. Your office happy hour is every morning at 9:30 am, under your desk; you provide the booze, and your Soviet-era nesting dolls Yuliya and Lenochka provide the eye candy.
9. At the last three happy hours, your boss has described a “really vivid dream” he keeps having about you wearing a “super hot Catholic school girl’s uniform.”
10. At the last four happy hours, you’ve worn your super hot Catholic school girl’s uniform.
11. As you’ve aged, you’ve come to see your office happy hour for what it really is: a frivolous gathering of vacant corporate drones, everyone listless and blathering, like so many dying fish at the bottom of the fisherman’s barrel, each offering one last futile twitch before the knife comes down…
12. The time conflict with Two and a Half Men reruns has become a problem.
13. You’re tired of being the only one at the table who doesn’t have any new jokes about “Orientals.”
14. Your office happy hour is in the supply closet, and instead of having drinks and appetizers, you quietly read through old archives of client billing statements.
15. The marketing department doesn’t seem to appreciate your Jim Carrey The Maskroutine like they used to.
16. You’ve started referring to your office happy hour as “therapy.”
17. You live in Kuwait, where the consumption of one glass of alcohol is punishable by 80 lashes, in case you needed reminding.
18. Your coworkers make you pick up the tab every time you forget to come to happy hour dressed as your favorite “Pretty Little Liars” character.
19. You’ve already had sex with everyone you work with, so like, what’s the point?
20. You were laid off six months ago.
Seams Like A Legit Question
Dad: Why did the Grammar teacher slap you yesterday?
Son: Just wanted to clear my doubt. I asked her a valid question for which she had no answer, so she took out her frustration by being furious violently.
Dad: what was the question?
Son: I asked her why bra is singular when it covers two things & panties plural when it covers only one?
They Would Never Put Up With It
I’m going to start addressing evangelical Christians like they talk at gay people:
“Yeah, I just don’t agree with your lifestyle.”
“Your beliefs are simply a phase.”
“l respect you, just not how you live your life.”
“You shouldn’t be allowed to get married.”
What Does That Say About The Teacher?
A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane to go on a holiday. Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on plane the students had built. Everyone freaked out and rushed out of the plane, except for one teacher who stayed there calmly.
When the flight attendant asked why he hadn’t left he responded…
“I know the abilities of my student quite well; this shit won’t even start”