Deprived: The Kids’ Birthday Party Documentary
Oh, The Places You’ll (Actually) Go
Failed American Slogans Are Terrifying Motto’s For Life Under Trump
We the peop…. no, not you.
You’re in Tiny Hands with AltState
Like a good neighbor, stay over there
241 years. We had a good run.
You can’t always get what you want.
2016: We’re going to “Make America Great Again” -Donald Trump
2017: **See’s riots**
Pro life until you’re born then you are on your own kiddo
Anyone can be President!
Who’s Gonna Pay for the Wall….MEX… whooops
We Want You…Unless you’re from a Muslim majority country or Mexico.
Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall…and then rebuild it between us and Mexico
Come Back in 4 Years…Maybe We Regain Our Sanity By Then
We got all the guns but we’re still scared
America. 91 Years older than Canada yet way less mature.
All Lives Matter In Countries That Have Trump Hotels
May the Deportation Force Be With You
Categories Of Sex
There are 5 categories of sex:
The first is Smurf Sex: This happens during the honeymoon, during which time you both keep doing it until you’re blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex: This happens at the beginning of the marriage, when you’ll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
The third is Bedroom Sex: You’ve calmed down a little, possibly have children, so you feel you’d better do it in the bedroom.
The fourth is Hallway Sex: This is where you pass each other in the hallway and utter the words, “Fuck you!!”
The fifth kind of sex is Courtroom Sex: This is when you get divorced and your spouse screws you right in front of everyone in the room.
New Financial Terms
CEO –Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO– Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no se x.
VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER — What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.
The Most Powerful Word In The English Language
It’s very probable that ‘shit’ may just be the most powerful word in the English language.
You can be shit faced, shit out of luck or have shit for brains. With a little bit of effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, and forget shit. You can even tell others to eat shit or die. You can have a shit fit or just shit your whole life away.
There are some people who know their shit, while others can’t tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.
There are days that are colder than shit, days that are hotter than shit, and days that are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit, or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
There are times when everything you touch turns to shit, and times when you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it is the basic building block of creation.
And remember, once you know your shit, there’s no need to know anything else!
Things That Sound Dirty In A Football Broadcast, But Aren’t
20. The hole closed on him before he was able to penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. It’s a game of inches.
17. He’s off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just have to start pounding it.
14. He’ll be feeling that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He needed to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration into the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (at the line).
1. He has great hands.
Memo To All EMS Personnel
To: All EMS Personnel From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
2) Stroke patients are NOT “Charlie Carrots.” Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to shit), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or “hamburger helper.” Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like “negative vehicle to vehicle interface” or “terminal deceleration syndrome.”
4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not “glow worms.”
5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered “pharmaceutically gifted.”
6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not “trans-occipital implants.”
7) The homeless are not “urban outdoorsmen,” nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a “PVC Challenge.”
8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being “paws up,” ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).
I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.
If you’re not familiar with the works of Steven Wright, he’s the famous erudite scientist who once said: “I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen… and replaced by exact duplicates!” His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us mortals. Here are some of his gems:
1- I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2- Borrow money from pessimists…they don’t expect it back.
3- Half the people you know are below average.
4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12- OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13- How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16- When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23- My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25- If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27- Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
34- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
For those of you who have ever felt you may be technologically challenged, take heart. The following incidents may do the trick in restoring your self-confidence:
* A woman called Dell customer support complaining that her mouse was difficult to control with the dust cover on. The ‘dust cover’ turned out to be the plastic the mouse was packaged in.
* Dell tech support received a call from a woman saying her brand new computer wouldn’t work. She had unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 15 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, her reply was, “What power switch?”
* An aggravated woman called Dell complaining that she wasn’t able to get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the tech asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response was, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened.” The ‘foot pedal’ turned out to be the mouse.
* Dell received a call from a customer complaining that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling his tub with soap and water and soaking it for a day, then removed all the keys and washed them individually.
* Another Dell customer called support to say he was unable to get his computer to fax anything. After half an hour of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was attempting to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.
* IBM received a call from a confused customer who was having problems printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it “couldn’t find printer.” The user said he had also tried turning the monitor screen to face the printer – but his computer still couldn’t “see” the printer.
Signs That You Might Need A Different Lawyer
• During the trial, you catch him playing his Angry Birds.
• Every couple of minutes he yells, “I call Jack Daniel’s to the stand!” and proceeds to drink a shot.
• He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
• He places a large “No Refunds” sign on the defense table.
• He begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said …”
• He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
• Just before trial starts he whispers, “The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?”
• Just before he says “Your Honor,” he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
• The sign in front of his law office reads “Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM.”
• Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, “Whatever.”
• He giggles every time he hears the word “briefs.”
• Opening argument in which he called the prosecutor a “Doo-Doo Head” could hurt your case.
• Tries to cheer you up by saying how great you look in orange.
• Giggles hysterically at the mere mention of the Penal Code.
• Keeps trying to call a witness named “Johnny, the Trouser Troll.”
• The only question he can come up with during cross-examination is, “Isn’t it true that you’re a lying bastard?”
• Constantly raising objections to the “vibes” he’s getting from the jury.
• Every time the judge sustains one of his objections, he screams, “Yahtzee!”
• Instead of saying, “Your honor, I object,” he now just rolls his eyes and says, “Whatever.”
• Claims staring at your cleavage is a necessary part of the “discovery” processes.
• Offers to waive his usual fees in exchange for your panties.
• You met him in prison.
• During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
• He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
• When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
• He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
• He tells you that he’s never told a lie.
• He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger.”
• A prison guard is shaving your head.
Answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask…
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine.
The five questions are:
1 – “What are you thinking?”
2 – “Do you love me?”
3 – “Do I look fat?”
4 – “Do you think she is prettier than me?”
5 – “What would you do if I died?”
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - “What are you thinking?” The proper answer to this question, of course is, “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.” Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a – Football
b – Baseball
c – How fat you are.
d – How much prettier she is than you.
e – How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. “If I wanted you to know,” Al said, “I’d be talking instead of thinking.”
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 – “Do you love me?” The correct answer to this question is, “Yes.” For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, “Yes, dear.” Wrong answers include:
a – I suppose so.
b – Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c – That depends on what you mean by “love”.
d – Does it matter?
e – Who, me?
3 - “Do I look fat?” The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, “No, of course not” and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a – I wouldn’t call you fat, but I wouldn’t call you thin either.
b – Compared to what?
c – A little extra weight looks good on you.
d – I’ve seen fatter.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 – “Do you think she’s prettier than me?” The “she” in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, “No, you are much prettier.” Wrong answers include:
a – Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b – I don’t know how one goes about rating such things.
c – Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d – Only in the sense that she’s younger and thinner.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 – “What would you do if I died?” Correct answer: “Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino’s Pizza truck that came my way.” This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
“Dear,” said the wife. “What would you do if I died?”
“Why, dear, I would be extremely upset,” said the husband.
“Why do you ask such a question?”
“Would you remarry?” persevered the wife. “No, of course not, dear” said the husband. “Don’t you like being married?” said the wife. “Of course I do, dear” he said.
“Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
“All right,” said the husband, “I’d remarry.”
“You would?” said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
“Yes” said the husband.
“Would you sleep with her in our bed?” said the wife after a long pause.
“Well yes, I suppose I would.” replied the husband.
“I see,” said the wife indignantly. “And would you let her wear my old clothes?”
“I suppose, if she wanted to” said the husband.
“Really,” said the wife icily. “And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?”
“Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.”
“Is that so?” said the wife, leaping to her feet. “And I suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too.”
“Of course not, dear,” said the husband. “She’s left-handed.”