Friday Fun Stuff – 7-27-12

I’m sorry this week’s Friday Fun Stuff is late this week but I have been moving in with my girlfriend all weekend. Needless to say, getting the “computer up” is not as important as getting ”our wardrobes” organized. Ahhh cohabitation!

Oldie But A Goody

Whose Line Is It Anyway

If you’ve never seen this show it’s the funniest show in history!

Olympic Games 2012

As you know, East London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012. What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

In previous Olympic Games, East London’s competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

As above but with added obstacles (e.g. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages delivery man. The traditional 22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy’s boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organized, please note that the Synchronized Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by “The Verve”.

A safe route has yet to be decided.

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be menacing.

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organized hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

Late News:
Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the above but with the Pentathlon modified to include: Killing a spouse, digging a hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named ‘Calm Down’ contest.

Stop Press:
To guarantee the entry of any Manchester athletes at all, drug testing has been waived this year.

Gentle Thoughts For Today

Birds of a feather flock together…and then shit on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs’.

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Biker With A Heart!?

On January 9, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a 21 year old girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” he didn’t want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked … “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that … and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she’s finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then he says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl”
The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!

I Hate Being Politically Correct

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can’t eat it.

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
It’s not hard.

What’s the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.

The Perfect Breakfast As a Man Sees It
You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

The Top Retractions Printed By The NY Times

12 “Correction: The cookie recipe in question costs $350, not $250 as previously reported.”

11 “Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error.”

10 “We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country.”

9 “Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry.”

8 “Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!”

7 “In Thursday’s edition of the Times, we erroneously reported the stories of five people who experienced bad luck as a result of not forwarding an e-mail message…”

6 “This mistake will never happen again. We apologize to the Top 5 subscribers, contributors and the list moderator, Chris Whitewater.”

5 “Recently, pop singer George Michael was caught masturbating in a public restroom yesterday. He was not, as reported in this newspaper, actually choking a chicken.”

4 “It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the recipient of a MacArthur ‘Genius Grant.’”

3 “Evidently, there are no Klingons on Uranus after all. Sorry for the confusion.”

2 “Our article describing O.J. Simpson as ‘slashing out’ over the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable typo…”

1 “As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is actually just a clothing store.”

The Love Dress

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

“What are you doing?!” she asked.

“I’m waiting for Mike to come home from work,” the daughter-in- law answered.

“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”

“Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress,” she explained.” It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me”

The mother-in-law, smiled, excused herself and left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
“What are you doing?” he asked.

“This is my love dress,” she whispered sensually.

“Needs ironing,” he said. “What’s for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

Rudest Pregnancy Comments We’ve Ever Heard

Nice Boobs!
“I bet you’re liking those boobs! They look nice cause she’s pregnant, but they probably won’t after she has the baby.” (To the husband of a mom-to-be while they were out shopping.)

Can I See Your ID?
“Teen pregnancy is destroying our nation — you shouldn’t be thinking about sex, let alone having a baby.” (Said to a married 21-year-old mama.)
“You look too young to be having a baby …”

Big Is Not the Word
“God, you’re gigantic.”

Baby Bump
“You are too round for us to be doing the nasty anymore.”

Calorie Police
“Are you going to be eating those all by yourself?” (To a mom buying donuts at the grocery store.)
“Did you even have time to lose the weight from the first one?”
“When were you due, like, yesterday?”
“How much weight have you gained?”

Fortune Tellers
“I’m sure your baby’s going to come early — there’s no way you could make it all the way to your due date.” (The mama politely asked the woman to see her medical degree.)

The Gender Question
“Oh no! STILL no boy?” (or girl!)
“So are you trying for a (girl/boy) this time?”

My father-in-law with my last (second) pregnancy when we told them we were expecting: “So you guys aren’t smart enough to figure out what causes this yet?” Ass. Congratulations would have been just fine.

Not Your Breast, Not Your Business
“Are you going to breastfeed? Why not?”

Out of Line!
“I was at the grocery store one day, and knew several of the cashiers. Sarah looks at me and says, ‘How far along are you?’ I said almost 36 weeks. She decides to tell me that Candice, another cashier, just went into labor yesterday and gave birth to a stillborn after a full-term seemingly healthy pregnancy. This was with my first pregnancy, and I thought, well, if I was nervous before you sure DIDN’T put my mind at ease any!”

Stating the Obvious
“My daughter was overdue and I worked right up until I went into the hospital. It used to drive me nuts when I would get to work and people would say, ‘You didn’t have the baby yet?’ Every day for a few weeks they asked the same thing. I was like, yeah I checked myself out of the hospital after I gave birth so I could come here. OBVIOUSLY I didn’t have the baby yet!”

Just Really Bad
“Oh, that baby is so heavy to lift with you being pregnant (my 31 pound toddler). I had a miscarriage and blame it on lifting my toddler son.” (said by a complete stranger)
“When I first told my co-workers that I was having twins, at 6 weeks, my boss goes, ‘Well, it’s still early.’ Gee, thanks, like I want to lose my babies.”

Daddy of All Comments
“Are you sure your husband is the father?” No you idiot, I just want to have anyone’s kid! The conception date is right along with the week of us just having sex constantly … but NO … He couldn’t possibly be the dad.

Fit to Be Tied
“Are you getting your tubes tied? You’ve been pregnant forever.”

Bad Question Choice
From the baby’s father: “You chose to keep it?”

Kiss Your Life Goodbye
“Hope you like getting your sleep now. You’ll never have a night to sleep again” No shit. I’ve raised two of my three dogs and they still don’t let me sleep through the whole night. Not to mention wake me up at 5 a.m. everyday ritually.
“When people see me reading a book or just relaxing: “Oh you better get in all your reading now because in a few months you aren’t going to be able to do that anymore.’ ”

Top Ten Signs your Local TV Weatherman Is Nuts

10. Every night, his forecast is: “It’s raining men, hallelujah!”
9. Often asks anchorwoman to switch clothes with him.
8. Uses expensive radar equipment to track Michelle Pfeiffer.
7. “Satellite photos” look suspiciously like Polaroids of a desk globe.
6. Appears to have the first spring robin in his mouth.
5. Seen checking into a Motel 6 with a half-inflated weather balloon.
4. Every night he says, “Lordy mama, it’s gonna rain root beer tomorrow!”
3. The symbol on his weather map for an arctic cold front is a snowman giving the finger.
2. Does the weather naked.
1. He’s got a tropical storm in his pants.

Things NOT To Say To A Naked Man…

That’s it?
Wow – look at all the hair on your back!
Maybe you should start going to the gym more.
That was fine dear…pass me my vibrator?
That’s a shame, maybe we should grab a video instead?
Wake me when it’s over, ok?
I think the condom’s too big.
You want me to what?!?
Well, that explains the padded pants.
Did you take out the garbage yet?
My husband’s in the Marines.
He’s due home any day now.
Is that a toupee?
So THAT’S what your ex warned me about!
Surgery might be able to help.
Not until you’ve showered.
That must be my mother on the phone.
Your brother’s bigger.
Your best friend’s better.
Are you done yet?
Wow! Look at the size of your… gut!
Size doesn’t REALLY matter, dear.
You might want to see a doctor about that.

Things NOT To Say To A Naked Woman…

Cool, I’ve never been to the Grand Canyon.
How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!
You must be very experienced.
Remember, you said this was a freebie…right?
Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don’t fall in.
I gotta take off my watch, wouldn’t wanna lose it.
Why do you wear a bra when you’ve already got a belt.
Would you mind rolling around in this flour.
I heard carpenters dream about you.
So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
Look….I can get my whole arm in.
It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
Is that an optical illusion?
If I look right at it I feel like I’m falling in.
Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?
Do you mind if I wear one too…in case yours falls off?
Jeez…What ya got up there, dead fish?
I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
I’ve been wondering all night what that smell was.
Maybe if I get really wasted I won’t mind your body.
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Everybody down at the bar said you were good.
Oh, that’s why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines go away.
Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel.
I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so.
You’re not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.
You’re not ‘that’ fat.
I see why everyone said, with you, it’s better with the lights out.
Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.

No I’m Not Using Steroids Why Would You Ask?
I Always Wondered What Santa Did During The Summer
The British Parliament Is Always Working Hard
Hot Dogs Anyone?
Gives A Whole New Meaning To The Term Before And After Pics
I Think It’s Time To Break Down And Buy The Mini Van
Redneck In Training
You Are All So Busted!
I’ll Be Damned, Some Churches Do Have A Sense Of Humor
True Love I’m Sure

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