Explaining the Pandemic to my Past Self – 1 Year Later
10 Dating Tips By Way Of Hollywood
1. People Who Hate Each Other on Sight Usually End Up Falling in Love (“The Way We Were,” “Titanic,” most Astaire/Rogers movies). Actually, people who hate each other when they first meet usually work very hard to avoid each other in the future. And if you ever really tried the sort of things Hollywood calls “meeting cute” – mixed-up luggage, mistaken identities, fender-benders – you wouldn’t end up at a table for two, but in court.
2. If the Person Isn’t Interested – Or Loses Interest – Pursue Them Twice as Hard (see above). Screenwriters must love this one – scenes of rejected suitors (chiefly men) showing up with picket signs, camping outside suburban homes with boom boxes or lying in wait by office buildings are in everything from silent comedies to “Say Anything.” In Hollywood, this dedication marks you as a sensitive soul and often results in true love. In real life, of course, it marks you as a stalker and usually results in a restraining order.
3. If You’re a Man, Try Pretending You’re Gay – Women Will Become Instantly Intrigued (“A Very Special Favor,” “Three to Tango”). No, not really. They may, however, quiz you on the latest Hollywood gossip, beg for exfoliating tips or ask if those tangerine capris make their butts look big. No, tell the truth. Do they, really?
4. If You’re Gay, Don’t Worry About Approaching That Straight Person -He/She Is Latently Gay Anyway, and Will End Up Thanking You (“Bedrooms and Hallways,” “Claire of the Moon,” almost any other indie movie). No, not really. They may, however, end up turning red, pouring their drink in your lap or punching you in the nose.
5. Looks Are Unimportant to Most Women, As Long as You’re Funny (“The Graduate,” “The Tao of Steve”). A firmly cherished belief, particularly among lumpy studio executives who think they get all those dates because they’re charming. Somewhat true in real life, although it should be pointed out that Woody Allen is not just funny, but very funny – and also, conveniently, rich.
6. Looks Are Unimportant to Most Men, as Long as You’ve Got a Good Personality (“Frankie and Johnny,” “The Truth About Cats and Dogs”). Actually, even Hollywood doesn’t really believe this – they know they’re shallow. Which is why, although the homely guys in their movies are always played by homely guys, the plain gals are always played by really attractive women in sloppy clothes. And a polyester waitress uniform still didn’t make Michelle Phiffer any less gorgeous.
7. Upper-class Gentlemen Are Secretly Attracted to Real, Working-Class Gals Who Show Them How to Have Fun (“Pretty Woman,” “Working Girl”). Undoubtedly true if that gentleman is 103 and the real, working-class gal is Anna Nicole Smith. But, unfortunately, nothing to count on – unless you look the way Anna Nicole Smith used to and really want to date 103-year-old men.
8. Upper-class Ladies Are Secretly Attracted to Real, Working-Class Guys Who Show Them “What It Means to Be a Woman” (“Woman of the Year,” “How Stella Got Her Groove Back”). Possibly true for brief periods of time, particularly if it’s the last night of her Jamaican getaway, and you’re a tight young hard body. But just because it worked for Taye Diggs doesn’t mean it’s going to work for you.
9. Breakups Are Inevitable But Can Usually Be Resolved by Chasing the Other Person Down the Street or Embarrassing Them at Work (“Love With the Proper Stranger,” “An Officer and a Gentleman,” “Love Jones”). Actually, that’s more likely to result in another one of those restraining orders. See Lie No. 2.
10. On the Rare Chance You Really Break Up, When You Finally Part for Good – Or Meet Again Later – You’ll Share a Significant, Bittersweet Moment (“The Way We Were,” “Now, Voyager,” “Casablanca”). Extremely doubtful, really, compared to the chance that you’ll share a few flung insults, or dishes. As a highly impressionable film fan, though, there’s an excellent chance you will trudge home in a foul mood, open up a pint of ale or ice cream and watch more movies – and wonder, once again, why your love life can’t match them quite so neatly.
Are My Testicles Black?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,’ he mumbles, from behind the mask ‘Are my testicles black?’
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies ‘I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body.’
He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, are my testicles black?’
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘No sir, they aren’t and I assure you, there’s nothing wrong with them, Sir’
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, ‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely…..
‘A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – back?’
Answers That Are Too Logical
Q. In which battle did Napoleon die?
A. His last battle.
Q. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
A. At the bottom of the page.
Q. River Ravi flows in which state?
Q. What is the main reason for divorce?
Q. What is the main reason for failure?
Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A. Lunch & dinner.
Q. What looks like half an apple?
A. The other half.
Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will simply become wet.
Q. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
A. No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.
Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.
Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are hard to crack.
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, “Your son go back to college yet?”
“Two days ago.”
“Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over. In May, he’ll be an engineer. What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of college?”
“At the rate he’s going, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.”
“No, I mean what’s he taking in college?”
“He’s taking every penny I make.”
“Doesn’t he burn the midnight oil enough?”
“He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.”
“Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?”
“Sure has! It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him!
Dog Texting Codes
HAW – Humans Are Watching
HOL – Howling Out Loud
BOL – Barking Out Loud
SMB – Sniff My Butt
TFT – Time For Treats
TTTP – Talk To The Paw
GFAR – Going For A Ride
INTP – I Need To Pee
DTA – Delivery Truck Approaching
LMA – Lick My Asshole
OMST – Over My Shredded Toy
ROFB – Rolling On The Floor Barking
RISS – Rolling In Smelly Stuff
LIMK – Locked In My Kennel
LH – Leg Humping
CUS – Chewing Up Shoes
GATAATCOTLR – Growling At Three A.m. At The Corner Of The Living Room
CC – Chasing Cats
EMOS – Eating My Own Shit
Go See Your Grandmother
A teenager goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.
While he’s talking to his grandmother, his friend finishes off some Peanuts on the coffee table. As they’re leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, “Thanks for the peanuts.”
She says, “Sure, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off ‘em.”
“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” Albert Einstein
“When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.” Unknown
“The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?”” Freud
”Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late.” Unknown
”I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.” David Bissonette
”Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for.” Mae West
”Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.” Ambrose Bierce
”Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.” Oscar Wilde
”A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.” Zsa Zsa Gabor
”The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” Henry Youngman
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. “Don’t you want her name engraved upon it?” asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
“No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.”
Male Or female
Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are also an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
An hourglass is female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
Who Needs Class
“Jim,” a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, “do you mind telling me whose class you’re cutting this time?”
“Like,” the young teen replied, “uh, see, okay, like it’s like, I really don’t like, think like, that’s really important, y’know, like because I’m, y’know, like I don’t get anything out of it.”
“It’s Mrs. Dulls’ English class, isn’t it?” replied the teacher.