Everything is Samuel L. Jackson’s Fault
We’ve All Had That Dream
An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.
There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.
Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.
Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere
It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!
Trump was very impressed and said, “That’s really great!
By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?”
His assistant said, … “I couldn’t tell, the casket was closed.”
Fun Things To Do In The Bathroom Stall…
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”
2. Say “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
5. Drop a marble and say, “oh shoot!! My glass eye!!”
6. Say “Darn, this water is cold.”
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, “Now how did that get there?”
9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!!”
11. Say, “Interesting….more sinkers than floaters.
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?”
13. Say. “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!!”
14. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot”
15. Say, “Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”
20. When you’re in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say “You got any more toilet paper over there, This side’s completely out.”
Letter Home From A Hillbilly In The Marines
Dear Ma and Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer the Marines beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 5 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things — no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave, but it ain’t bad, they git warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kinda weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed gain. It aint no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route marches,” which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Colonels and Generals just ride around and frown. They don’t bother none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep gettin medals for shootin. I don’t know why. The bull’s-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don’t move. And it ain’t shooting back, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lay there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Yore lovin daughter,
You Know You’re In A Redneck Church if …
…the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
… people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ‘em.
… when the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” five guys and two women stand up.
… opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
… a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of” (Love it!)
… the choir is known as the “OK Chorale”.
… in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
… people think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
… the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized “Wheeling” washtub.
… the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue.
… the collection plates are really hubcaps from a’56 Chevy… instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
… the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
… the communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Tickled Pink”.
… “Thou shall not covet” applies to huntin’ dogs, too.
… the final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now, Ya hear.”
Best Lawyer Story Of The Year
This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, and then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’ The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued – and WON! (Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART…
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
Bumper Stickers 1
1. My karma ran over your dogma.
2. I brake for… wait… AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!
3. A fool and his money are a girl’s best friend.
4. I’m not driving fast-just flying low.
5. Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
6. My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!
7. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
8. “I is a college student.”
9. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. Gravity- It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!
10. Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
11. Life is too complicated in the morning.
12. All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
13. The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
14. Nobody’s perfect. I’m a Nobody.
15. My wife said “If you go hunting or fishing one more time I’m going to leave you” …I’m sure going to miss her.
16. Ask me about my vow of silence.
17. Today’s subliminal message is: ( )
18. I love animals, they taste great.
19. EARTH FIRST! We’ll stripmine the other planets later.
20. “Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”
Dirty Old Woman
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem, how to carry his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?’
The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’
The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’
‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’
The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’
The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.
Letters To Landlords
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords by their tenants.
“The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.”
“I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.”
“This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.”
“I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.”
“I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.”
“Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.”
“Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.”
“Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.”
“Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away.”
“When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife’s new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.”
Wife: ‘What are you doing?’
Wife: ‘Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’
Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’
Wife: ‘Do you want dinner?’
Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
Wife: ‘Yes or no.’
Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’
Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’
Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’
Son: ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’
Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’
Son: ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’
A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’
He looked at her from head to toe and replied ‘I like your sense of humor?’
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
‘What was that for?’ the man asked.
The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’.
The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on’ the wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman
In a brand new Cadillac
Doing 65 mph
With her face up next to her rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds…
To continue shaving….
And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don’t scare easily.
But she scared me so much,
I dropped my electric shaver
the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
My Cell Phone
Away from my ear
Into the coffee
Between my legs!
Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the damn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers