I’m Not a Doctor – The Carol Burnett Show
Greeting Cards You Will Never See In The Hallmark Store
1. Front: I heard your a gambling addict.
Inside: I’ll bet your not.
2. Front: I’m sorry to hear you have gone blind.
Inside: See you later!
3. Front: I’m sorry to hear you are brain dead.
Inside: It’s really not that bad when you think about it.
4. Front: My sympathies on the last of your father’s teeth falling out.
Inside: Well, dadgummit!
5. Front: My condolences on the loss of your arms.
Inside: Write back soon!
6. Front: I’m sorry to hear you have contracted Alzheimer’s disease.
Inside: I’m sorry to hear you have contracted Alzheimer’s disease.
7. Front: I heard that you were very sick.
Inside: I hope that you die painlessly.
8. Front: I heard you were dead.
Inside: I hope it was painless.
9. Front: Congratulations on your weight loss!
Inside: It’s a shame you had to saw off your legs to do it.
10. Front: Congratulations on finally getting a life.
Inside: Now get ready to lose it.
11. Front: Thank God you aren’t pregnant!
Inside: I might have had to admit I’ve had s@x with you.
12. Front: I heard that you attempted suicide.
Inside: Wishing you luck and success in all that you do.
13. Front: After all these years, it was good to run into you again.
Inside: Thank God this time you didn’t leave as much blood on my bumper!
14. Front: I was sorry to hear that your dog ran away.
Inside: Next time try cooking him a little longer.
15. Front: They told me you were constipated.
Inside: No shit?
16. Front: Wishing you a speedy recovery from your accident.
Inside: Look forward to seeing you in court!
17. Front: Hot damn!
Inside: I’m sorry to hear that your house burned down.
A husband and wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that?”
“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”
“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce.”
“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
“Who’s that woman with Jim?” asks the wife.
“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.
“Ours is prettier,” she replies.
Just Some Stuff We’d Like To Say
1. I’m confused, no wait… maybe not.
2. Despite the look on my face, you’re still talking?
3. Don’t take life so seriously. It isn’t permanent.
4. Let me drop everything and work on YOUR problem!
5. Dyslexics Untie!
6. Embarrassing my children: Just one more service I offer.
7. HERE I AM. Now what are your other two wishes?
8. I’m not fluent in IDIOT, so please speak slowly and clearly.
9. Mess with me and you mess with the whole trailer park!
10. I never make mistakes. I thought I did once but I was wrong.
11. 333 – I’m only half evil.
12. I would do me.
13. If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he STILL wrong?
14. To err is human. To blame someone else shows management potential.
15. Some days it’s not even worth chewing through the restraints.
16. I’m RETIRED… go around me.
17. I’m not an alcoholic (alcoholics go to meetings) – I’m a Drunk.
18. SQUIRRELS: Natures little speed bumps.
19. Can’t feed ‘em – Don’t breed ‘em.
20. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
Please Take Your Seat
Scene took place on a British Airways flight between Johannesburg and London.
A White woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air Hostess. “Madam, what is the matter,” the hostess asked.
“You obviously do not see it then?” she responded. “You placed me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat.”
“Be calm please,” the hostess replied. “Almost all the places on this Flight is taken. I will go to see if another place is available.”
The Hostess went away and t hen came back a few minutes later. “Madam, Just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the economy class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is a seat in the business class. All the same, we still have one place in the first class.”
Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued:
“It is not usual for our company to permit someone from the economy class to sit in the first class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting.”
She turned to the black guy, and said, “Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in first class.”
At that moment, the other passengers who were shocked by what they had Just witnessed stood up and applauded.
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz”
“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
Robert De Niro
“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked!”
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.”
“Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.”
“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”
“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”
Well What Did You Think He Would Say
Hey, Mom,” asked Little Johnny, “can you give me twenty dollars?”
“Certainly not,” she said.
“If you do,” he went on, “I’ll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.”
His mother’s ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money.”Well? What did he say?”
“He said, hey Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.’”
Two Year College Degree For Men
A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in:
Becoming a Real Man. That’s right, in just six mini-semesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an MA degree. (Male Arts)
Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
MEN 101: Combating Stupidity
MEN 102: You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103: PMS-Learn To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas
MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn’t End with Conception
EAT 100: Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101: Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A: What’s Hers is Hers
MEN 120: How NOT to Act like an arse when you’re Wrong
MEN 121: Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122: YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123: Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C: What Was Yours is Hers
SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102: Morning Dilemma: If It’s Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103: How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201: How To Put the Toilet Seat Down
(See Electives Below)
MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212: You, Too, Can be a Designated Driver
MEN 213: Honest, You Don’t Look Like Brad Pitt
MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important
MEN 220: Omitting %&*!@ from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket after Farting Is NOT Necessary
MEN 222: Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important II
EAT 102: Cooking with Tofu
EAT 103: Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103: Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231: Mothers-In-Law
MEN 232: Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233: Just Say “Yes, Dear”
ECON 001C: Cheaper to Keep Her
You Never Fought?
A married couple never fought, not even once in 25 years of marriage.
A friend of the couple asked, “How is that even possible?”
Husband replied, “Well, we went to a ranch for our honeymoon. While horse riding, my wife’s horse jumped, and my wife fell off. She got up and patted the horse and said, “This is your first time.”
After a while it happened again and she said, “This is your second time”.
And when it happened the third time, she pulled out a gun and shot the horse.
I shouted at her and said, “Are you crazy?!? You killed the horse!!”
She gave me a look and said, “This is your first time.”
What Is Politics
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Am ringer, “the Mark Twain of American Socialism.”
I offered my opponents a deal: “if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them”.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)
We hang petty thieves and appoint the bigger thieves to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become PM; I’m beginning to believe it.
~’Clarence Darrow for the Defense’ by Irving Stone.
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer
What happens if a politician drowns in a river? It’s pollution.
What happens if all of them drown? It’s a solution ….!!!
This Is The Captain Speaking
Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:
“I think everyone’s asleep, let’s go.”
“This one’s empty … no-ones looking… you go in first.”
“It’s a bit cramped – let me sit down.”
“Have you got the condom? Quick – put it on.”
“Ah perfume – you think of everything.”
“This is great…..” (long sigh)
Static on the loudspeaker then a new voice.
“This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you’re doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations…Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!”